To get to the bottom of what narcissism is, we have to understand human psychology, and what drives a person to embrace narcissism as a way of life. Once we have established this, we can then define what a narcissist is, and why narcissistic abuse appears in the relationship with a narcissist.
Understanding narcissist psychology
We begin our journey to understand what narcissism is by looking at the essence of the human being; Their true selves – a place of passion, instinct, intuition, and ancestral strength.
The true self: who we really are
The true self is the seed of who we can be, and it contains our true nature. It is a dynamic place, brimming with life energy, which, if we allow it, shapes our power in the world in unimaginable ways.
The true self is divine in its mission. Like the sun, its purpose is to shine brightly and enable the game of creation. However, like the sun, the light of the true self casts a shadow.
If the true self is a bright and ever-expanding star, then the different parts of the self can be seen as its own solar system. The True Self lies at the center of this universe, photosynthesizing and giving life to everything. Its drive to manifest itself in the world is what Sigmund Freud called “identity”.
The narcissistic drive for pleasure
Id is the true self’s pursuit of pleasure, the avoidance of pain; Being driven by desires, wants and needs.
Our need to be loved and seen, our desire for sex, our desire to avoid abandonment—all these drives and more lie at the heart of identity.
The id derives its energy from the life instinct, and works according to what Freud called the “pleasure principle.” When you feel hungry, you eat. When you thirst you drink. When you want attention, you demand it. If you like something, take it. If something is uncomfortable, you should avoid it. When someone annoys you, you get angry or get rid of them.
Identity pushes us away from the death instinct and pushes us towards life. Like a child, the id is blind in its pursuit of gratification—until, of course, it faces the consequences of its actions.
The ego: the perception of ourselves and the world
Our motives can conflict with others, and our environment doesn’t always accommodate us. To get what we want, we sometimes need to resist our impulses. To best fulfill our impulses, we may first need to analyze, predict, and understand the world around us, which is the job of the mind. With each experience, we eventually form a map in our brain of how to best navigate our environment.
As we move through the world, we begin to notice the differences between ourselves and others. Some people seem confident, others are more withdrawn. Some are stronger, others are submissive.
Moreover, the way people treat us changes based on the way we act or not act. By blocking out some of the triggers, we can see that we get better treatment. On the other hand, other instincts are welcome. With the passage of time, a concept forms in our minds about how much the world and who we are in it absorb. This idea of who we are and, above all, who we can be, is ourselves.
The ego is a construct that the mind uses to negotiate and interact with the world on our behalf.
The ego determines how we act in the world, not just how we want to. Over time, we develop this concept for ourselves based on the messages we receive from those around us. If we are constantly celebrated and loved, our ego thinks we deserve love. If we are neglected, ridiculed, or abandoned, we see ourselves as inherently bad, and learn to suppress our impulses.
Shadow Descent
Starting with our parents, there will be a specific set of motivations that the world deems unacceptable. In some families, crying is not allowed, nor is protest or anger. Intolerant parents can crush curiosity and excitement. This creates a huge tension between the true self, which wants to expand aggressively, and the ego, which considers it “wrong”.
When our impulses collide with the world, the stress becomes too much. To overcome these impulses, we completely reject these impulses and decide that they are bad. Yet they do not disappear. They remain within us, in a region of the self that Carl Jung called the shadow.
The shadow contains the urges, desires, traits, and needs that we have not been able to satisfy or express.
Because it was rejected by those we loved, and because its existence was so painful, we disconnected from these parts and pushed them deeper inside us, and “forgot” them. In the struggle between holding on to love and expressing our authenticity, we have sacrificed essential parts of ourselves in order to be accepted. And as we age, we develop amnesia to make sure we never have to face these “flawed” parts, unaware that the past will eventually come back to haunt us.
The False Self: Who We Wish We Were
Between the rigid ego and the bulging shadow lies an unbearable tension. The healthiest form of release is to satisfy those urges within our environment. However, when we decide that our motives are bad, the tension is always there. Then we are forced to vent addictive behaviors and substances, acting out, overeating, overeating or binge-watching, and other forms of escapism.
Another powerful way to release shadow tension is through imagination. In this way, we can numb our pain and create the illusion of satisfying our impulses. We imagine a perfect person who will rescue us from the prison of torment. We daydream that our circumstances are magically changing, or we fantasize about going somewhere else where life might get better.
Imagination can also influence the concept of our identity, the ego. If we are constantly rejected, neglected, or mistreated, the stress of the resulting pain leads us to compensate by imagining ourselves as desirable, privileged, or even superior.
While this can provide comfort, it is inevitably at odds with reality. Just like drugs, when imagination runs out we need a higher dose to get back to where we were.
Also, the stronger the shadow, the stronger the imagination. In extreme cases, when enough of the true self has been cast into the shadows, it is lost. Imagination then becomes the only defence, as the imagining of the self as superior to the ego crystallizes and forms into a grandiose false self; Building detached from reality.
A false self is a fictional idea of who a person is, which compensates for perceived flaws and shortcomings.
Meanwhile, the shadow lurks in all its rejected parts, ready to explode unexpectedly. A cold war ensues between the “perfectly evil” shadow and its “perfectly good” false self, ready to turn hot at any moment. Then the ground becomes fertile for narcissism to grow. Fueling this whole process is narcissistic display.
What is narcissistic display? Narcissistic fuel
The narcissistic display is to be seen, accepted, and legitimized by others, which leads to an exaggeration of joy, pride, and strength.
Seeing and accepting others legitimizes one’s true self. It can be a feeling of dizziness and intoxication. When people care about us, interact with us, do something for us, or give us something, they feed us narcissism. In short, the narcissistic presentation is legitimized and validated by another person.
For healthy people, narcissistic display helps them maintain a healthy sense of self-esteem and get their needs met. A certain amount of narcissistic presentation is crucial to an empowering life. Too much of it corrupts a person’s sense of power, and enough makes the world go round.
In the case of narcissists, it is a drug they use to fuel their false selves.
What is narcissism?
With this map of the true self, the id, the ego, the shadow, the false self, and the narcissistic outlining, we can return to the important question: What is narcissism, and what is narcissism?
Metaphorically speaking, narcissism is like blowing up a balloon. In this metaphor, the balloon represents the narcissistic false self, and the helium is the narcissistic display.
When someone gets your attention, they receive helium for their balloon. When someone can control your reaction, they also get helium to keep their balloon inflated. Giving someone your cooperation and resources can also inflate their balloon. Emphasizing your talents or looks is the helium for your narcissistic balloon.
In the case of narcissists, this inflated balloon condition protects them from exposure to their underlying trauma. To escape their shadow, they begin to reinforce their false selves by pursuing interest, reaction, collaboration, and affirmation. They found that the more they inflated their balloon, the more force they experienced, and the better they felt.
The narcissist worked constantly in order to maintain this state. Under no circumstances can they risk blowing their balloon to anyone or anything. This leads us to the next question.
What is a narcissist?
The narcissist is the person who;
a) they cast their entire true selves into their shadow,
b) have replaced it with a false, imagined self that they deem superior in any way necessary,
c) This false self must be continually fed by the narcissistic supply,
d) All in the hope of avoiding confronting their own painful and rejected core.
A narcissist is someone who has not been seen, accepted, or loved for who they really are, and so they compensate by creating a misleading “superior” version in their own mind to compensate.
