Dealing with a narcissist is a battle that only the initiators can win.
You think you have a narcissist in your life. This person is right, rigid, obnoxious, and has a constant need to be superior. Or maybe you’re dealing with a narcissist in disguise, and the signs are more ambiguous. Often it is not easy to find out.
Learning to deal with a narcissist requires strategy. You need to know the signs and understand the field of play. Without taking the necessary countermeasures, you will remain vulnerable. Finally, you need to know how to protect and care for yourself when narcissistic abuse targets you.
Shame: the narcissist’s bread and butter
No one chooses narcissistic abuse. It only takes hold slowly if you are unaware of what is going on. Before you take on the public abuse, the shame imbalance is the best way to gauge whether you’re dealing with a narcissist.
You can usually learn about the day-to-day interactions of a narcissist, which come in the form of:
dig.
suppression.
Backhand courtesy.
chuckle.
A “note” about you makes you doubt yourself.
Lifts you up every time you speak.
These are all small nudges to make you more and more shy. This is how narcissistic abuse begins. never admitting mistakes, blaming others for what goes wrong, and amplifying themselves through story; The narcissist creates an aura of “superiority.” And by doing so, they force you to feel inferior in comparison.
This apparent ‘superiority’ is shamelessness. It creates the illusion that the narcissist is ‘higher.’
By being constantly rude while shaming you in the process, all without your awareness, the narcissist is gradually grinding you down. This makes you psychologically flexible enough to control and manipulate.
Signs that you may be ashamed of narcissistic abuse are:
You start to feel heaviness in the mind.
Your mind goes blank.
Your position collapses.
You start by questioning yourself.
You find yourself on the defensive all the time and need to stand up for yourself or explain yourself.
When the temperature rises
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, notice this pattern of shame and practice catching it when it starts. It could come from anywhere. Friend, relative, co-worker or boss, romantic partner.
If this pattern takes over without your awareness, narcissistic abuse will follow. Only by picking it up and disengaging it can you protect yourself.
An excellent analogy for shyness is a frog swimming happily in a pot of slowly boiling water. By the time the frog knows what’s going on, it’s too late.
By exposing you more and more in the context of the relationship, the narcissist is effectively “turning up the tension.”
Shame weighs you down, makes you doubt yourself, and weakens your willpower and pride. You lose sight of your potential. The hotter the water, so to speak, the less able you are to act against the narcissist.
How do you know if you are being shy? Check the water temperature.
Do you constantly question yourself? Do you feel heavy, as if a black cloud has come over your mind? Do you feel incomplete and hopeless? Then you are most likely dealing with a narcissist.
How to deal with narcissists game
In learning how to deal with a narcissist, you will need to defend against a shyness disorder. This is where the game comes into play.
The narcissist gains power over you by infiltrating your mind and changing the way you perceive reality.
They make shameful comments until you question yourself. They act so shamelessly that you see them as perfect and you can’t pin anything on them. They make fun of you until your self-esteem drops.
And with the constant barrage, you eventually come to believe that they are superior, and that you are inferior to them in every conceivable way. To change this field of distorted reality, you have to see it for what it is: an elaborate lie.
Connect the dots
The feelings you feel may be real, but the fantasy that triggers them is not. When the narcissist speaks, you can begin to dissect the game.
Pay attention to what they say, then to how you feel. While you’re at it, just look through the top view. Connect with your inner observer, who is activated when you practice mindfulness.
Then write down what the narcissist is saying, and share those words with a close friend or your therapist. Really get analytical. What is the purpose of the words? Do they aim to support the relationship, or do they have a darker purpose? How much truth do words hold? Is this fact subjective? How would a loving and supportive person handle the same situation?
After a while, you will pick up the pattern. They say something, you get emotional, you respond predictably and you sink even deeper into their madness.
To illustrate this point, consider a live sports match. The crowd is elated, the tension is high, the emotions run wild, and the game can go anywhere. Now take those same people, and ask them to watch a replay where they already know the score. Will they be investors?
You are dealing with a narcissist by exposing his shameful ways. When the madness reveals it all to you, it will feel like you’re watching a sick rematch that never ends.
How to deal with what the narcissist says
Narcissistic abuse always begins with the mind. The narcissist aims to infiltrate your thoughts, turn your perspective upside down, and then reprogram you from within.
Fortunately, you have many deflection tools at your disposal. The key is to redirect or detach the energy from the narcissist’s attempts to shame you.
The following tricks should come in handy when dealing with a narcissist:
change the subject
The narcissist judges you, makes fun of you, or focuses on you and your “despair.”
In the middle of the narcissist’s talk or rant, simply change the subject to something completely normal. Do it without shame and without warning. the weather. What color shirt would look best, black or white? When do the shops close? What was the result of last night’s match?
The key here is to depersonalize the conversation, stop the narcissist’s flow of shame, and bring your interaction back to the surface. The narcissist will feel the switch, but most likely won’t say anything, because that would disrupt the “game.”
interrogate
If the narcissist is making fun of the book you’re reading, how you tidy your room, or how you style or cut your hair, calmly ask him what he means. Ask them how they would do things or what they would choose, and why exactly would that be better?
Finally, ask them about the truth behind their perspective. Will others agree? If so, who exactly? Have any studies been done on choosing the best book to read, or how to arrange the room? What are the features of this study? Is it possible, perhaps, that different people need different solutions, and that such solutions may not be entirely obvious until you are in someone else’s shoes?
The possibilities for this kind of questioning are endless, but the effect is powerful: either you’ll throw the wind out of the narcissist’s sail, or you’ll force them into a dead end. If you stay completely calm, the narcissist will have a hard time getting angry, because it seems like he’s the crazy one and not you.
Hold the line
When the narcissist says it’s all your fault, accuses you, or makes fun of you, make room for it. Pay attention to the narcissist’s facial expressions, look into their eyes, remain silent, and pay close attention to their hideous creations. Study it like a scientist, see how it settles between you, how it penetrates you, and let it stay there for a moment.
Be aware and alert, and if you feel attracted, breathe deeply and focus on specific facial features of the narcissist. Ground yourself in the moment, and no matter how hard things feel, keep the line.
This technique is powerful when you’re dealing with a narcissist because it puts the onus on the narcissist to carry the emotional weight of the exchange, not on you. As a result, the mirror is slowly directed towards the narcissist, and his attempt fails.
