Empowering parents of narcissistic mothers creates a whole next level of trauma in children, which will play out in their adult lives in many negative ways.
I always knew my dad was the “good” guy in my dad’s relationship, but I was also acutely aware that he wasn’t supporting me. In my eyes, my father had just gone to work and left us with my mother, who was nothing but a whore.
I did not have the understanding or vocabulary at the time to recognize my mother as a narcissist and my father as the complete enabler of her sordid behaviors.
Having been raised by a narcissistic mother, then married to a narcissist, who was also raised by a narcissistic mother, I must have witnessed many enabling parents of narcissistic mothers.
You can bet that if there is a narcissistic mother in the family, the father is likely to be enabling her behavior—because if he doesn’t, the relationship won’t last. Either the father will have it and leave or the mother will dump the father in place of someone better suited to her selfish needs and expectations.
This dynamic can work in any relationship, be it male-female or same-sex.
Empowering Parents of Narcissistic Mothers
What is empowerment?
Ultimately, the Narcissistic Abuse Aide coaxes the narcissist so that they will always feel special and make them the most important person in the house. The top of the hierarchy, if you will.
Whatever she wants, she gets it without question. Whatever you say goes. Whatever her behavior or reaction is, it is met with acceptance and support from the empowered (regardless of how harmful this behavior is towards others).
Any sloppy behavior by the narcissistic mother is always justified by the enabling father.
The narcissistic mother is an energetic black hole, requiring presentation in the form of attention (both positive and negative). The narwhal desperately needs this attention so that you can feel as if they are really there.
As a young child, the narcissist subconsciously cut off any access to the human qualities of being empathetic, kind, and compassionate. Don’t be fooled into thinking that this lack of morals cannot be extended to their children, for it certainly is.
When the Nark cut off this natural supply (which we all have) of the source and divine energy, they were inadvertently left with only one alternative. You extract life force from others in order to “feed” themselves and continue to “live”.
Think of a wolf in sheep’s clothing or a devil in disguise, and then you can begin to really imagine what a narcissist is beyond his physical human form.
The narcissist will demand of his children and steal supplies from them without looking back.
My mother always made me and my siblings feel bad for everything she did for us. As a child I used to think: “But this is your job as a mother. Why did you even have children?”
I now understand that her idea of having children was full of delusion. She expected us to give her a steady stream of energy… because let’s not forget it’s all about her after all.
However, as we grew to become individual beings, she realized how much (ungrateful) work motherhood involved, which inevitably led to her resenting us.
Examples of empowerment
There are many ways in which parents of narcissistic mothers can be empowered to support and encourage an abusive family dynamic.
Empowering parents…
Always accept the narcissistic mother’s story, regardless of the child’s real-time experiences.
Don’t stand up to a narcissistic mother, she will never stand up for the children.
Will effectively blame others for the narcissist’s behavior (even when the narcissist is clearly at fault).
He will diligently arrange the narcissist’s wreckage (including physical, social, and emotional messes).
Empowering Parents Says Things:
“Just do what your mother wants.”
“It’s just how it is.”
“Don’t prick the bear. You know how she is!”
“If you only do what I asked, we won’t have to punish you.”
Why Does the Father Enable the Narcissistic Mother?
The narcissistic mother demands complete loyalty. Her partner must worship her in every way and must tell her that she is beautiful, amazing, and perfect. This behavior is very confusing for the children, because they are also aware of how bad the mother treats their father.
It is important to understand that narcissists need willing servants (and supplies), which is why they so aggressively seek out people who are already predisposed to a low sense of self.
They simply will not tolerate anyone standing up to them or criticizing them for any of their ridiculous behaviour.
People with low self-worth are ideal because they are more resilient to the bullshit behaviors of narcissists. They will generally feel as if they are very lucky to have found someone they love at all and will be very willing to “settle down” with a nark.
Often, the enabler grew up in a family with narcissism, substance abuse, needy, selfish, or neglectful behavior by the person/s they were supposed to take care of. Therefore, they are taught from a young age that it is safe for them to reduce their own needs in the face of a toxic parent.
In other words, their self-esteem is completely zero, and they are already “trained” to put others before themselves without question.
It’s easy to see how this becomes an eternal cycle between parent and child. Ultimately, someone along the ancestral line needs to become aware of the cycle of emotional unavailability and abuse, and be able and willing to break it.
Let’s take a look at some of the common reasons why a father enables a narcissistic mother’s behavior:
The enabling father knows that to keep the peace and avoid angry outbursts, the narcissistic mother must remain “happy” at all costs.
The image of a “good wife” or “happy family” outweighs the child’s emotional needs.
Calling a mother means having to look at his role in the family dynamics, which means having to take responsibility.
Fear of being left alone if it does not align with the behavior of the narcissistic mother.
The fear of rocking the boat and having to “deal” with the mother’s backlash.
Emotional and mental exhaustion from the narcissistic mother’s manipulations.
Seeing behavior as “normal” due to unhealthy childhood dynamics and/or being in a toxic relationship for a long time.
The father is completely manipulated by the narcissistic mother and believes her lies about how “bad” the children are.
In my family, my father’s ready response to anything from the children was, “Whatever your mother says,” or “Whatever your mother wants.”
He was one of the many empowering fathers of narcissistic mothers.
I have so many vivid memories of my mother being completely cruel, cruel and inconsequential, and then I would look at my father as if to say, “Would you let her treat me like this?”
There is not a single memory of my father standing by me and stopping my mother from her terrible behaviour. I would look him in the eyes and he knew I knew, but he would more or less shrug his shoulders and support my mom, no matter what.
The sentiment was that of the parents against the children. It was a far cry from a close-knit, kind, and supportive family unit. This did not exist in our house.
One of the sickening aspects of an empowering father is when he ends up brushing off the abuse on behalf of the mother. She is adept at manipulating him and often plays the victim to make him believe children are terrible or defiant to her.
The narcissistic mother can be very persuasive, especially since she will know the exact wounds inside the father that will stick to her, making him stand by her. Even to the point where he abandons his parental duties to protect his children.
My childhood was totally dysfunctional on the inside, but looked like a perfect middle-class family on the outside. Special education and orthodontics for children, socially acceptable occupations for parents and a newly built house in the suburbs.
Even though as an adult some friends told me things didn’t seem right when I was growing up, no one really knew about the abuse, because my mom’s façade made everything look great to the outside world. And due to her inflated ego, she really thought everything was great because she was “amazing”.
Given the nature and hidden characteristics of narcissistic abuse, I was a child with deep psychological trauma (depression, anxiety, dangerously underweight), but I could never really pinpoint the source of it all. I just thought I was the problem and that there was something wrong with me.
I think my dad probably wouldn’t associate the word “abuse” with his wife or family dynamics for the same confusing reasons I never could.
Why Does the Enabling Father Stay?
Je me sentais souvent désolé pour mon père parce que je voyais à quel point ma mère le traitait mal et je me demandais : « Pourquoi reste-t-il avec elle ? Honnêtement, quand j’étais enfant, je savais que je serais plus heureux s’il la quittait et trouvait une femme vraiment cool qui le traiterait bien. J’avais aussi envie du genre de mère que je n’avais pas.
L’abus narcissique est une progression lente, qui se produit au fil du temps, souvent de manière subtile. Personne n’entre jamais dans une relation en s’attendant à ce qu’il soit utilisé et maltraité.
Oui, le père permet le comportement du nark, mais il est autant victime d’abus narcissiques que l’enfant.
The difference is that the children are unarmed and helpless in front of their narcissistic father. However, the father is an adult and he has a choice of what to do about the situation.
Don’t get me wrong, I spent 20 years in a narcissistic abusive relationship (I didn’t understand what it was). I fully understand how insidious and confusing abuse, not to mention the bond of trauma, makes you sickeningly loyal to the person who hurts you and your family.
However, I largely protected my children from my ex-husband’s bullying behavior and stood up for them when needed. Even though I was stuck in this cycle, I still opened my eyes enough not to allow this behavior to be directed at children. I got emotionally beaten instead, which usually resulted in my ex making light of me, playing the victim or belittling me for “raising kids in a bubble” (i.e. preventing him from abusing them).
Therefore, it is possible for a parent to be in a narcissistic relationship without enabling the narcissistic behavior towards the children.
I will admit that I was definitely enabling his behavior in other ways in order to survive.
The trademarks of narcissistic abuse are manipulation and illumination, which keeps the empowering parent in a state of confusion.
Perhaps he is emotionally closed off and in survival mode by himself. I can bet he doesn’t really understand the long term psychological effects that the abuse as well as his enabling behavior will have on his children in the future.
