It’s a common refrain: Relationships are hard work. Fights are normal and rough spots are par for the course.
However true this may be, such insignificance can distract from legitimate causes of anxiety in one’s social and romantic lives — including signs that a relationship may have become, or always has been, toxic.
Here’s what you need to know about toxic relationships, and how to tell if you’re in one.
What is a toxic relationship?
California-based Dr. Lillian Glass, a communications expert and psychologist who says she coined the term in her 1995 book Toxic People, defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship [between people] who are not supportive of each other, where there is conflict and disagreement.” One seeks to undermine the other, where there is competition, where there is disrespect and lack of cohesion.
While every relationship has its ups and downs, Glass says a toxic relationship is always so unpleasant and draining on the people in it that the negative moments outweigh the positive moments. Dr. Kristen Fuller, a California-based family medicine physician who specializes in mental health, adds that toxic relationships damage one or both participants mentally, emotionally, and possibly even physically.
And those relationships don’t have to be romantic: Friendly, family, and professional relationships can be toxic, too, Glass says.
What makes a relationship toxic?
Fuller says that people who constantly undermine or provoke their partner — whether intentionally or unintentionally — often have a reason for their behavior, even if it’s subconscious. They may have been in a toxic relationship, either emotionally or as children. “They may not have had the most supportive and loving upbringing,” says Fuller. “They could have been bullied at school. They could have had an undiagnosed mental health disorder, such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, or some form of trauma.
Such was the case for Carolyn Gamble, a 57-year-old motivational speaker based in Maryland, who says she fell into toxic relationships after a troubled childhood marked by losing her mother to a drug overdose and suffering physical abuse at her own hands. dad. Growing up, she found some of the same themes in her marriage to her ex-husband, who she says became verbally and emotionally abusive. “I’ve realized in this life, no matter what papers we deal with, that sometimes there are things we have to let go,” she says.
Sometimes, Glass says, toxic relationships are simply the result of an imperfect pairing — like two people who need to be in control, or a cynical kind of dating a thin-skinned person. “It’s just that the formula is wrong,” she says.
Heidi Westra-Brock, a 46-year-old chiropractor who lives in Illinois, is familiar with this mismatch. Brooke considers herself an empathetic and people-pleasing person, and was raised “assuming everyone was nice and everyone wanted the best for you”. Instead, she says, her personality attracted controlling partners who forced her to sacrifice her needs for theirs, constantly working for approval that never came.
Although their stories are very different, both Brooke and Gamble say they endured toxic relationships for years – confirming that no two bad relationships are quite alike.
What are the warning signs of a toxic relationship?
More serious warning signs include any form of violence, abuse or harassment, which must be dealt with immediately. But in many cases, the indicators of a toxic relationship are more accurate.
The first, and simplest, is persistent unhappiness, says Glass. If the relationship stops bringing happiness and instead makes you feel sad, angry, anxious, or “just give up, like you’re sold out,” it can be toxic, says Glass. You may also find yourself jealous of happy couples.
Negative shifts in your mental health, personality, or self-esteem are all red flags, Fuller says. These changes can range from clinically diagnosable conditions, such as depression, anxiety, or eating disorders, to a persistent feeling of stress or discomfort — especially around your partner. Feeling like you can’t talk to your partner or express your concerns to them, Fuller says, is another sign that something is wrong.
You should also look for changes in your other relationships, or in the ways you spend your free time, says Fuller. “You may feel bad for doing things on your own time, because you feel like you have to take care of your partner all the time,” she says. “You push the boundaries when you’re not yourself anymore, and you give everything to your partner.”
Finally, Fuller says the concerns of family or friends need to be taken seriously, especially since people in toxic relationships are often the last to realize it. Brooke says this applies to her relationships, which have resulted in continued damage for years.
“By the time I started to realize I was in something unhealthy, it was so normal to me that it didn’t feel like a big deal,” says Brook. “You’re paralyzed by it, because you’re just used to it.”
What should you do if you are in a toxic relationship?
If any of these red flags sound familiar, it’s time to take action. If you feel you are in physical danger, you may need to get the authorities involved. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is also available for guidance 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233.
If the damage is emotional or mental, you will have to decide whether or not the problem can be fixed. If underlying triggers such as depression or trauma are affecting the behaviors of one or both individuals, Fuller says therapeutic or medical therapies may help. Glass agrees that getting to the root of the problem is important, but says that sometimes the solution may be walking away.
“I’m really a big believer in trying to sort everything out and understand why a person is toxic. You may be able to live with it, but on the other hand, you may not be able to,” says Glass. “[If you can’t], get out.” from him. We should not put ourselves in this situation.”
“Love should never cost you your peace. It should never cost you your joy. It should never cost you your happiness,” Gamble says. “If the situation is more negative than positive, something has to change.”
