Healthy relationships make life worth living, and people who know how to nurture them see the benefits everywhere. They have more positive family dynamics, stronger friendships, and more balanced leadership skills.
Conversely, unhealthy relationships can get in the way of success. Relationships that always seem to be in crisis mode, or that rob you of your energy instead of recharging it, are depriving you of the time and energy you need to reach your potential.
Truly healthy relationships — whether they’re with romantic partners, friends, or family — don’t happen automatically. They require hard work and attention for true wellness. Here’s how to nurture your relationships and give them the best chance to thrive.
Healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships
No relationship is 100% healthy all the time. A relationship is always a work in progress, and therein lies so much of the beauty. But there is a big difference between imperfect communications, which is normal, and those that are potentially offensive and can negatively affect your life.
To identify differences, it can be helpful to think of the behavior of others in relationships in terms of green, red, and yellow flags. This follows the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s definition of healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships:
Green Flags: These are healthy behaviors that convey respect and trust. People who have a lot of green flags should make you feel supported and cared for. These include open communication, emotional safety, and mutual respect.
Red flags: Red flags are warning signs that someone may be manipulative or abusive, such as harsh or threatening communication, aggressive behavior, and attempts to control you. If these behaviors begin to appear, consider leaving the relationship or seeking professional help to address it.
Yellow flags: These are not necessarily toxic, but potentially unhealthy behavioral patterns that you should watch closely for. Yellow flags include failures to communicate and unbalanced contributions to the relationship.
If a person does not consciously act on their yellow flags, they can turn into red flags, which is why it is important to recognize and communicate them early on.
Pay attention to the relationships in your life. How many green flags can you see? What about red? If you find that the negative aspects are starting to tip the balance, take a second look at the situation. Talk to a good friend and assess whether that person is positively affecting your life or holding you back.
7 Key characteristics of healthy relationships
You don’t act the same way in all of your relationships. Parents and best friends receive different types of attention from you. But healthy relationships contain a fairly consistent set of basic principles, whether that’s with your child or a close colleague. Here’s what to look for:
Earned trust: In a healthy relationship, you should trust each other. You know you can count on the other person’s support and honesty. But no healthy relationship starts with complete trust, you have to prove it and earn it.
Building mutual trust is a long-term project that requires dedication and consistency.
Mutual Support: You and your partner should support each other through hardships, celebrate victories, and encourage each other to grow. You can put your own needs aside when you’re going through a tough time, and vice versa. This is also about expressing what support looks like to you.
Mature and Healthy Communication: Poor communication can seriously damage relationships. One study found that couples who reported higher levels of negative communication were more likely to divorce within the first five years. A variety of communication skills must come into play in healthy relationships, including expressing gratitude, managing conflict, and listening.
Respect: In a relationship, respect means taking the time to recognize the other person’s boundaries and acknowledge their strengths and contributions.
The opposite of respect is contempt: the belief that the other person is less valuable, important, or intelligent than you. According to relationship expert John Gottman, contempt is the most destructive behavior in a relationship.
Balance: In a balanced relationship, both parties make the effort, and this looks different in different contexts. In a romantic relationship, balance usually means basic equality in terms of the amount of time and emotional labor each partner invests.
In a hierarchical workplace relationship, there may not be equality, but there is reciprocity and recognition.
Honesty and Authenticity: Honesty means expressing emotions in a clear and compassionate manner without spinning or breaking the truth. Likewise, authenticity is being honest about who you are. In a strong relationship, both people have the autonomy to express their true selves.
Affection and Positive Vibes: Being around another person should lift you up and make you feel good, and affection is showing them that you feel that way. And this communication does not have to be physical. In a business relationship, that might mean a warm email greeting or a smile.
13 Advice for building healthy relationships
Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti said, “A relationship is a mirror in which you can see yourself, not as you wish to be, but as you are.” Relationships can bring out strengths you never knew existed, but also reveal hidden weaknesses and flaws. This is why building healthy relationships begins with reflection and self-awareness.
Here’s what you can do to build healthy relationships and support the people in your life:
- Find out your core beliefs
If you don’t trust someone, it may be because they have betrayed your trust in the past or have shown a pattern of suspicious behavior. But the problem may also be on your end. Your core beliefs and past experiences may cause you to view the betrayal even when there is nothing there. Exploring these core beliefs and building self-knowledge prepares you to approach relationships in an informed and intelligent way. - Cherish each other’s weaknesses
In the early stages of a relationship, you may want to be your best self and hide your insecurities. But after a while, you start to open up and show your true identity. When someone is vulnerable with you, show them they can count on you by avoiding jokes and negative comments. Express your support and tell them you care. - Ask for help when you need it
Asking someone for help is hard. But healthy relationships involve give and take. When you ask someone for help, emotional or otherwise, you’re offering them an opportunity to support you — and they’ll likely be more than happy to accept it. This also shows the other person that they should feel comfortable doing the same thing when they need it. - Protect the relationship from stress
People who experience stress have little energy left for their relationships, which means that constant stress can weaken your connections over time, whether it be internal fighting or external hardships. One way to avoid this is to talk about past difficulties as battles you overcame together. Researchers call this process “struggle glorification.” - Show appreciation
Expressing gratitude is a simple way to improve relationship satisfaction. In fact, this can lead to a virtuous cycle in which receiving appreciation makes you more likely to appreciate your partner. Find and seize opportunities to show your gratitude, whether it’s kind words or a gesture of thanks.
- Take time to talk about your hopes and fears
Infatuation at the beginning of a romantic relationship is full of happiness hormones. But this intensity can fade over time. Make the effort to keep learning about each other and sparking feelings of newness and excitement. Hopes, fears, and plans change over time, so have regular discussions to stay on the same page and discover more of the things you love. - Fighting with intention
The struggle is strong. It can break relationships or make them stronger. But dealing with conflict maturely can be very difficult, especially if you’re feeling defensive. Show the other person that you care by acknowledging the need they are expressing, even if you disagree with it, and focus on constructive solutions.
Listen carefully and try to see the battle not between you and the other person, but between you and the other person against the problem. If either of you gets emotional, pause and take a time out. Giving yourself space for emotional regulation can give you the insight you need to proactively deal with the problem.
- Embrace your differences
Everyone’s personality is unique and changes over time, which means you and the people around you will always be different. Regularly learn about your complementary strengths and weaknesses, and appreciate what each of you brings to the relationship. Show the other person that you value their point of view. - Communicate and maintain healthy boundaries
Try to proactively articulate your boundaries, whether those limits relate to the amount of time you can spend with them or your level of intimacy. But sometimes, you don’t realize boundaries until someone crosses them – so if they do something you’re not comfortable with, explain it clearly.
In the same vein, be alert for any signs that the other person is setting boundaries, even if they are subtle. Don’t be afraid to verbally clarify and ask what they need from you. Healthy couples, friendships, and family relationships give space to talk about boundaries.
- Check back regularly
Even in healthy relationships, you may sometimes fail to communicate. If you are sick or going through a busy period, you may not notice or realize that you are neglecting someone. Check in regularly with the other person to see how they are doing, what they are doing, and if there is anything you can do to help. - Be a good listener
Listening creates a sense of teamwork and helps the creative thinking process. If you can listen effectively and nonjudgmentally, you will deepen your relationships and solve problems better together.
When it comes to conflict, listening to the other person doesn’t mean you have to change your mind — or even agree to it. But it will help you understand and connect with them, which in turn can help you find common ground.
- Learn how you both like to give and receive affection
According to the author of 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman, there are five main ways people like to receive affection: acts of service, gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch. You may feel good when your friend verbally compliments you, while your friend may feel good when you do an activity like taking a walk together. This means that your love language is words of affirmation, and your boyfriend’s love language is having a good time.
If you don’t know how you like to receive affection or how to verbally express those feelings, consider taking the love language quiz. Then you can give people the attention and effort they deserve, in the way they prefer.
- Have fun together
Strong relationships are hard work, but they don’t always have to feel like work. Make time to explore, try new things, and do activities that you and the person you care about enjoy. Spending your free time working on your relationship shows that you are motivated and willing to put in the effort.
What to do when work doesn’t help the relationship
Getting better at connecting and finding a match that works for both of you is beautiful. But in some relationships, being patient and waiting for change can backfire. Sometimes, accepting someone as they are means realizing that they will never meet your needs, and unfortunately, that can mean ending the relationship.
