The image of the narcissist is well illustrated in popular culture. You might think of a handsome, mighty, beautiful man or woman, with a portable mirror (or camera phone) in their hand, so that they can appreciate their own beauty whenever they wish.
But this notion of narcissism only covers half of the narcissists out there. For the other half, there are covert narcissists.
So what are covert narcissists?
These are narcissists who share the same characteristics of self-love as the more vocal narcissists but without any of the outwardly defining traits of narcissism.
Covert narcissists are more dangerous because they understand how to hide their narcissism in a way that other narcissists do not.
And be in a relationship with one? It can ruin your life.
(This article will be divided into two parts. The first section will discuss understanding narcissism, the difference between covert and overt narcissists, and the signs and experiences of a covert narcissist. The second section will discuss being in a relationship with a covert narcissist: are you with someone, why do you find it difficult to leave them, and how you can save yourself And move on.)
Part I: Understanding narcissism
We often use the word “narcissist” to describe someone who might be obnoxious, arrogant, or self-obsessed.
However, narcissism also describes a serious mental health problem, and individuals who exhibit many of certain characteristics may be classified as having narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic traits
To be clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (or the official handbook for professional therapists) states that an individual must have 5 of the 9 traits of narcissistic personality disorder. These include:
They lack empathy for others
They believe that they are inherently more important than those around them
They crave recognition of their inherent superiority
They show excessive arrogance through their attitudes and behavior
They are paranoid about others being jealous of them
They have a natural sense of entitlement, believing that the world belongs to them
They are obsessed with fantasies of power, love and success
They take advantage of others to satisfy their constant need for admiration and attention
They believe that only other special people can get it right
While some researchers believe that people are born with narcissistic personality disorder, there are others who believe that it is a behavior that is learned through the environment.
They argue that while disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder have been shown to have genetic and chemical backgrounds, narcissistic personality disorder shows no physical abnormalities or brain differences.
Narcissism is of two types: covert and overt
As explained above, the two types of narcissist—the covert and the overt—share the same goals and desires but pursue them through different means.
An overt narcissist can be described as confident, assertive, and loud, but a covert narcissist is more insecure, negative, and quiet.
While both types of narcissist have an inflated sense of self-importance, the covert narcissist will – for one reason or another – display a shyness that will never appear in the overt narcissist.
This makes the covert narcissist more dangerous than the overt narcissist, as the covert narcissist can convince you that he is not a narcissist, while still working towards narcissistic goals.
Signs of a covert narcissist
1) Quiet self-importance
Real-world example: One-Upping
What you may have heard: “Did you get an A on the test? That’s great!” Not as great as the A+ you got last week, but still good for you.
How they want you to feel: Torn between praise and shame, and being reminded that you are less than them. You’re bound to thank them for their “kindness,” even if it doesn’t feel right.
Like the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist cannot bear the thought that he may not be the smartest or best person in the room. But unlike the overt narcissist, the covert narcissist does not spread their colorful wings every time they feel threatened.
Instead, the covert narcissist is much better at showing his superiority in subtle ways. This includes belittling accomplishments by contrasting them with their sly compliments and other snooty remarks.
2) careless indifference
Real world example: shadows
What you may have heard: “Oh, you texted me? Sorry, I didn’t see. I was too busy to be texted by everyone.”
How they want you to feel: insignificant and petty. They know they’re tied to you, and they want to remind you by showing you who’s boss now and then. They want you to know that they don’t care about your time or your feelings.
Narcissists love to put themselves in the spotlight, even if that spotlight is just one person’s attention.
This includes manipulating the people in their lives into believing that anyone’s time, wants, or needs only matter to their own needs.
So, while an overt narcissist may ask you to commit to his or her desires publicly, a covert narcissist does so slowly and carefully.
And over time, they break your self-esteem with care about your time and needs. They do this by not sticking to their plans with you – arriving late to meetings, changing plans on the go, never keeping promises, and even ignoring your messages.
3) an appreciation of altruism
Real-world example: Sharing charitable donations
What you may have heard: “I popped a $20 tip jar at Starbucks and the waiter was so grateful, it was funny.”
How they want you to feel: admiration for their generosity and wealth. They want you to know that they are nice people, but they won’t do the nice deed if they don’t have a chance to tell you or anyone else.
Altruism is meant to be a selfless act of kindness and love. It should be about helping others and enriching their lives at the expense of some part of yours, unconditionally.
But narcissists are unable to empathize with people and do not see the need to help others if they do not do something for them.
While overt narcissists don’t even care about mind games, covert narcissists care about the way other people think of them.
They want their social network to know every time they do a good deed because a good deed is not for the recipient; It is up to them to rack up their brownie points.
These are the people who, when tipping in a coffee shop, wait until the largest number of people in line have looked before dropping their tip.
What you may have heard: “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
How they want you to feel: Unsure of what you believe or understand. They want you to question your reality and your perceptions, and by doing so, they want to solidify and reinforce their opinions and desires.
Covert narcissists love to confuse others. They love to see the self-doubt others go through when their own ideas and perceptions are challenged wholeheartedly.
By removing the person’s ideological foundation, it makes it easier for the covert narcissist to exploit and manipulate them.
Remember: covert narcissists have only one goal, and that is to feed their ego.
They will do it by any means necessary, even (and especially most of the time) if it comes at the expense of the people they care about.
5) Emotionally inaccessible
Real world example: Too busy for you
What you might hear: “You’re so sensitive. Just get over it.”
How they want you to feel: Your emotions are a negative part of yourself. They want you to feel superior to you because they have complete control over their emotions, while you don’t.
They make you feel small and stupid that you even need emotional support from a friend or partner because they are so emotionally stable and together.
Narcissists do not experience emotions in the same way that other people do, which is why they find it difficult to build meaningful relationships with those around them.
While overt narcissists express this through obnoxious and loud behavior, covert narcissists tend to completely ignore their partners and friends.
They don’t understand the need to be complimented or praised by others, because they naturally believe they are inherently superior, so anything their partners or friends might do is never enough to impress them.
Other experiences of being with a covert narcissist
They get angry when you are sick
They give up on you for no reason
They forget your requests on purpose
They are the spotlight when it comes to sex
They make people fight each other
They drain all of your energy but don’t give you any of it
They have no interests other than self gain
They are projecting their own problems on you
They give you the silent treatment and make you beg and beg
They never try to make you happy
They don’t really know anything about you
Part Two: Dealing with a Covert Narcissist
Countless people are trapped in relationships with covert narcissists. If you’ve experienced any or all of the above examples, your partner may be one, too.
Are you a target of covert narcissists?
Covert narcissists tend to target a specific personality type. These are people who possess characteristics that make them more vulnerable to covert narcissistic behavior, and covert narcissists can manipulate, exploit, and control over a long period of time.
These characteristics include:
Nanny, housewife (they pity the vulnerable side of the narcissist)
a guard
very sensitive
calm
Doesn’t have a large social network (they must be relying on narcissists)
Self-doubt
very nice
Self-reflection (they have a desire to become better than the narcissist can exploit)
Self-sacrifice (even if they realize the exploit, they stay to help)
Freedom from the hidden narcissist
I know that breaking free from a relationship with a secret narcissist can be very difficult.
However, if there are people in your life who are destroying you, you simply have to learn how to stand up for yourself.
Because you have a choice.
One resource that I highly recommend is Ideapod’s free, very powerful tutorials on love and intimacy.
In this course, world-famous shaman Rudha Ayandi will help you identify the toxic relationships in your life so they can empower you to create change.
Most importantly, it will teach you a powerful framework that you can start applying today to truly free yourself from manipulative and toxic people.
Full disclosure: I have watched this 60-minute tutorial myself and have found it to be very valuable as a way to improve my own relationships.
The thing is, Rudá Iandê is not your typical shaman.
While he spends time with the indigenous tribes of the Amazon, singing shamanic songs and beating his drums, he is different in an important way. Rhoda has made shamanism relevant to modern day society.
