Do you have friendships that cause you more stress than joy? you are not alone.

The sad truth is that we are all surrounded at least in part by toxic friendships.

According to a recent study published in PLOS One, only about 50% of the average person’s friendships go both ways.

This means that out of all the people you consider your friend, about half of them feel the same way about you.

Yet we continue to persist in toxic friendships in all areas and stages of our lives, no matter how young or how old we are.

So what makes a toxic friendship, and why are so many friendships spoiled but surviving?

In this article, we discuss everything there is to know about toxic friendships—why we deal with them, how to identify them, and when to know it’s time to end the charade.

What is a toxic friendship?

A toxic friendship can seem like an oxymoron — a friendship is meant to enrich your life, while anything toxic is a source of unhealth and unhappiness.

But many of us live with toxic friends, whether we realize it or not, and find ourselves simply unable to get out of the relationship.

At its core, friendship is an agreement between two people.

No matter how relevant or important the friendship is to your life, there needs to be a balance, with both individuals making the same effort and satisfaction out of the relationship.

But toxic friends give people the opposite of contentment. They stress us out and make things more difficult than they need to be.

These are friends who drain us more than they lift us up, and make us regret the time we spend with them.

Characteristics of a toxic friend

Nobody grows up wanting to be a source of negative energy.

Often, a person’s toxic behavior is a byproduct of certain personality characteristics or traits that they have carried and nurtured throughout their lives.

Some of these characteristics include:

1) It is self-absorbing
What they’re thinking: “I’m just cruel in a world where dogs eat.”

Why it happens: No one ever told them they were growing up. They don’t know how to prioritize others and put themselves in the back seat.

How it manifests: They won’t offer to help others unless they can get something out of it. But they will never help others out of the goodness of their hearts.

2) Not safe
What they’re thinking: “I’m only competitive.”

Why it happens: They have major insecurities, and aren’t comfortable with something about themselves — their bodies, their intelligence, their accomplishments, or whatever.

How it manifests: They humiliate their friends, always belittling them in various ways. When someone else says something good about them, they’ll have to tag along with their own story, whether it’s true or not.

3) Myopia
What they’re thinking: “I like living in the moment.”

Why it happens: Even if they are incredibly smart, toxic people lack the ability to look very far into the future. This is why they are so bitter and resentful over little things that don’t even concern them.

How it works: They’ll turn on their closest friends, if they see a method that works for them. They will spread gossip, lie, hold grudges, and bully, because they care more about what’s going on now than thinking about the long term.

Recognizing a Toxic Friendship – Signs of a Toxic Friend
The biggest hurdle people face when identifying toxic friendships in their lives is doubt.

Our first instinct is to naturally see the good in our friends, so when we think we’re seeing behavior we think is toxic, we’re the first to come to their defense—”Oh, they had a bad day,” “They didn’t mean it that way,” and “They’d be nicer in Next time. “

To properly identify a toxic friendship, it’s best to look around you first. Here are three steps to identifying a toxic friendship by looking outside:

1) Watch Others: See how your potentially toxic friend behaves towards others. Do they do the same toxic behavior towards them as they do to you?

2) Ask around: If you see that they are toxic to other people, it’s time to ask them. Ask your mutual friends if they feel the same way.

3) Look at them: Does your potentially toxic friend have many long-term relationships? Do they often complain about other people, and do they struggle to keep friends, family, and romantic partners?

Common signs of a toxic friend include:

1) They sabotage even their closest friends by killing their time and energy by getting involved in pointless drama of their own making.

2) They exclude friends from groups because they prefer certain friends over others, despite the seniority of the friendship.

3) They almost never acknowledge their friends’ accomplishments, but they always talk about theirs.

4) They will use people to get new friends, and then forget about the first friend. This is known as triangulation.

5) They like to play the victim, always making sure that they face the most difficulties in their social group.

6) They project their toxic behavior onto those around them, making it difficult for their friends to truly recognize their behavior because they end up blaming themselves.

7) They know when to play nice, so their friends don’t accuse them of being toxic. When others are around, their behavior will be exemplary.

8) If their friends stand up to them, they will portray their friends as the toxic instigators, when they were the victim all along.

9) They have an inability to empathize and will change the subject or just not pay attention if a friend is opening up to them.

10) They will make snide comments that are hurtful to those around them, but are not explicit enough to be considered an insult.

The psychological impact of toxic friendships, and why we keep toxic friends
If you suspect you may be in a toxic friendship, it is important to take it seriously rather than dismiss it.

The more frequently you interact with your suspected toxic friend, the more important it is to recognize them and, if necessary, remove them from your life.

The psychological impact of having a toxic friend can take a huge toll on your life.

People who let abusive friendships continue into their lives usually have self-esteem issues.

Rather than stand up to the source of their stress and mental exhaustion, they consider reasons why they should let their toxic friendship continue, simply to avoid facing the problem head-on.

Some of the most common excuses for keeping toxic friends include:

1) Longevity of friendship
Your excuse: “I’ve been friends with them since we were kids. They’re not really as bad as you think.”

How they benefit: They play the “baby” card whenever you try to confront them, talking about old times and flashbacks.

Most of the toxic friends we keep are people we’ve been friends with since childhood. Maybe you played with them in the park, or maybe you were best friends in middle school.

But for one reason or another, they’re not exactly the same nice guy you grew up with.

Their lives took many negative turns, and now they’re taking it on you and their other close friends.

However, you feel a kind of loyalty towards them, simply because you have known them for a long time, so you cannot afford to end the relationship.

2) Possible positive networking opportunities
Your excuse: “I know he/she is an idiot, but I don’t want to burn that bridge. Maybe they know someone.”

How they benefit: They pin their networking potential on you, promising to introduce you to the “right person” to advance your career.

Just because you’re not the toxic person in the friendship doesn’t mean you don’t have your own interests in mind.

There are some people we maintain friendships with simply because we are comfortable socializing with them. Perhaps they have the right contacts you need for your career, or they may be valuable members of your community.

This is when you have to make a decision: Does the benefit of being friends outweigh the negativity they bring into my life?

There is also a case where they may be part of your social circles, so you don’t want to stop being friends with them or you could cause an uncomfortable and confusing rift that the rest of your friends will have to deal with.

3) You still sincerely believe in friendship
No excuses, no fake reasons.

The truth is, with so many friendships that show signs of toxicity, we often have to make the decision to persevere in toxic friendships simply because we know this may just be a phase, or that their toxic behavior doesn’t tell the whole story.

Toxic friends don’t necessarily think malicious thoughts.

There are many instances where a toxic friend is just someone who needs a little help or is going through a rough patch.

This is an invitation to judge only you, and it’s something you need to consider with every toxic friendship.

Is your friendship salvageable?

Confronting toxic friends is a difficult situation. On the other hand, talking to them can eventually change your friendship for the better.

However, your toxic friend may not respond to your efforts as well, causing irreversible damage to your friendship.

Before cutting them out of your life, try to assess whether your friendship is worth saving in the first place.

Ask yourself the following questions to assess whether or not your toxic relationship is worth the effort.

Do you share the same interests and values as your friend?
People grow apart, and sometimes these life changes aren’t always for the better.