It’s pretty hard to go down memory lane, but I’ve heard a few before. I went there and did it.
If you are also used to this, then you have been emotionally blackmailed. According to Susan Forward, emotional blackmail is about manipulation.
It happens when someone close to us uses our weaknesses, secrets, and vulnerabilities against us to get exactly what they want from us.
And personally, I couldn’t agree more. It’s good that I have grown a spine and regained the life that is mine.
Well, maybe it’s my zodiac sign (I’m a Libra) which is represented by scales to show our need for justice, balance, and harmony or maybe there’s a higher power that told me something was wrong. But what I knew was that I didn’t want to live a life feeling worthless.
So, from former victim to present-day victor, let me give you an overview of emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail is something people do when they desperately need to get you to do whatever they want.
It is a tool of manipulation generally used by people in intimate relationships: partners, parents, children, siblings, and close childhood friends.
In these relationships, where people’s lives are closely linked, emotional blackmail is at its strongest.
In this article, I will delve deeper into what emotional blackmail is, how it manifests and how you can deal with it (and escape unscathed).
What is the relationship of emotional blackmail?
Needless to say, it is a tactic used by those closest to us to harm and manipulate us, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
Emotional blackmail involves the blackmailer telling someone that if they don’t do what they say they will end up suffering for them.
blackmailer might say:
If you leave me, I will kill myself.”
Nobody wants to be responsible for the suicide, and that’s how the blackmailer wins.
Sometimes the threats are less serious, but still designed to manipulate the victim’s natural fears. The blackmailer may make the victim believe that they will end up isolated or hated if they don’t do what they ask. For example, they might say:
“Everyone agrees with me. You shouldn’t do that.”
Usually, an emotional blackmailer won’t come out in grand terms now and then. Their emotional blackmail will be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse in which they will regularly use simple forms of blackmail and blame.
They might say:
“If you could give me a ride, I wouldn’t be late for work.”
They will say this even though they know you can’t give them a ride because you have a date that you have to be on, and despite the fact that they are adults and should be responsible for making themselves work.
Why do people use emotional blackmail?
Most people use some form of simple emotional blackmail sometimes.
We’ve all felt disappointed when someone didn’t do something we’d like them to do.
For example, you might complain that your friend didn’t pick up any chocolates on the way home, even though they knew you were sick.
While it can become a problem if it’s frequent, it’s not something to worry about much on its own.
People who use serious emotional blackmail are abusers who try to control another person’s thoughts and feelings.
Emotional blackmailers are very good at making their victims feel helpless and confused.
They can often make their victim feel as if they are completely rational, and that it is the victim who is being unreasonable.
Victims of emotional blackmail will often find themselves trying to anticipate the mood of the blackmailer and will apologize profusely for things that were not their fault.
Fear, obligation and guilt
The term emotional blackmail was popularized by leading therapists and psychologists Susan Forward and Donna Frazier in their 1974 book of the same name.
The book also introduced the concept of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, or FOG.
FOG is what emotional blackmailers rely on to succeed. Their victims can be manipulated by them because they feel intimidated, bound and guilty for not doing what was asked of them.
The blackmailer knows full well that his victim feels this way, and quickly learns which parts of the FOG triad are most effective at manipulating them. They learn which emotional stimuli will work.
Emotional blackmailers, like any abusers, are often very good at spotting people who are likely to respond best to them.
What types of emotional blackmail are there?
Forward and Frazier identify four different types of emotional blackmail. here they are:
Punishers
Punishers will threaten to directly harm the person they are blackmailing. They may stop you from seeing your friends, renege on affection, or even physically harm you if you don’t do what they say.
They punish themselves
Self-punishers will threaten to harm themselves as a form of blackmail, and will tell you that it would be your fault if they did.
defaulters
Sufferers will blame you for their emotional state. They expect you to comply with their desires to make them feel better. They might say “Go out with your friends if you like, but I’ll spend the whole evening feeling sad and lonely if you do.”
tormentors
Hotties won’t make direct threats, but they will promise something better if you do what they ask. So they might say “I’ll book us a vacation if you stay home with me this weekend”.
