Relationships can be tough at the best of times, but pair a codependent and a narcissist together and it gets downright toxic.
It’s the classic case of opposites attracting.
But there’s more to the two conditions than many people realize.
A codependent will (unhealthily) go above and beyond for the people they love, while a narcissist will expect everyone else to go above and beyond.
So why do the two attract each other like moths to a flame, when on the surface they seem so incompatible.
Read on to learn more about where the two conditions come from, their similarities and how their dangerous dance often ends in despair.
Where do codependency and narcissism come from?
Codependency is not a new term, but over time, more research on the term has shown that it can stem from different types of dysfunctional upbringing.
Originally, the term was used for partners of alcoholics as they were seen as aiding or facilitating their partners addiction.
According to S. Wegscheider-Cruise (1984), an author and educator on alcoholism, a person was considered dependent if they:
But as we learn more about it, it becomes clear that anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family can develop codependency.
Now, it is believed that codependency can be a cause in families where there are:
abuse or violence
neglect
Shame and blame
Unrealistic expectations that parents place on children
Children in these families can grow up under a lot of stress and tension, often caused by the dysfunction of their parents.
As the child grows, they begin to believe that they share responsibility for the family’s problems. In some cases, their parents blame them for things beyond their control.
Even into adulthood, a child who has experienced codependency will still crave attention and approval, all while trying to suppress their inner feelings of unworthiness and guilt.
Are narcissists the opposite of codependents?
Surprisingly, the two have more in common than we often imagine.
With significant overlap in some of the characteristics that make a family dysfunctional, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) appears to develop in people who have:
You were abused or neglected as a child
Excessive criticism or excessive adoration from parents
influenced by cultural influences
Psychologist Dr. Eddie Brumelmann explains:
He goes on to explain that when parents give exaggerated praise to children and put them on a pedestal, they are encouraging narcissistic behavior.
The child grows up believing that they are superior to others, and that the normal rules of social behavior do not apply to them.
Alternatively, if a child comes from a home of neglect and abuse, they may adopt the traits of the “victim” and believe they are more important because they suffered as a child.
So although the two conditions have very different outcomes, some of their origins are common; home dysfunction.
What’s the difference between codependents and narcissists?
You may have heard the two terms used together, but it’s not the similarities that attract co-dependents and narcissists to each other.
It is their differences that draw them in and create a seemingly seamless connection, though the honeymoon period is often short-lived.
Codependency is the “fixer” or “nice” in a relationship.
Codependents are people who are very dependent on the approval of others and sacrifice their own happiness to please their loved ones.
Some traits of codependency include:
Low self-esteem
The constant need to please people
To be in denial of their dependency habits
Weak boundaries in all types of relationships
Excessive concern with the degree to which they put others before themselves
Poor communication when it comes to defending themselves or explaining their feelings
Always want to be in control
While codependent people seek attention and reassurance from their partners, they don’t realize that by constantly taking care of them, they could end up holding the other person back.
For example, a codependent mother may overly care for her child, and instead of letting her child learn from their own mistakes and grow up to be independent, she’ll do everything for them.
