Dealing with a toxic spouse is hard. You feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells.
You ask yourself all the time. And you never know when the next argument will explode out of nothing.
It becomes impossible to live like this.
Every relationship has its natural ups and downs, but toxic relationships have their ups and downs almost constantly.
Toxicity can happen without you even knowing what’s going on until, one day, you realize you never feel truly happy.
You’ll never feel completely at peace, because you’re always anxious when the next class explodes.
Because he’s so static, you won’t have the space to really think about what you want, whether this is how you want to live or whether you should leave.
You just want to go back to how it was before, when you fell in love, went on fun dates, and felt like you were always on the same team.
No matter how toxic your relationship becomes, there can be a path back to happiness.
But getting there will require some serious thinking and possibly some hard choices.
This is scary stuff, and you might find yourself asking “Is it really that bad? Is it really toxic, or am I just exaggerating?”
In this article, we will first take you through the signs that your husband is toxic, so you can decide for yourself if he really is.
Then we’ll look at what you can do about it, how to decide whether to stay and what you can do to leave if you decide this is what you need to do.
What are the signs that your husband is toxic?
When you think your spouse might be toxic, you often end up doubting yourself. Play this list of 11 signs so you can decide for yourself whether or not he’s really toxic.
- You have no say in decisions
Toxicity often manifests as controlling and possessive behavior.
Do you find that you can never choose what happens, even over the little things?
Does your husband always have to choose what to have for dinner, even though you’re the one doing the cooking?
Does your choice of clothing get so critical that you always end up changing?
Do you always have to go to bed at the same time he does, or does he cry all the next day?
These may seem like little things, but they are often part of a bigger picture.
A husband who keeps telling you he hates your dress probably won’t be happy either that you’re taking the lead in making bigger decisions.
Or worse, he may not want you to have a say at all.
What happens if you talk about the future? Are you too afraid to even mention it?
Maybe you’ve always dreamed of getting out of town, and you think he did too, but now he refuses to even discuss it?
Or maybe you want kids, got married after you planned it, but now he acts like you never mentioned him before (leaving you sad and heartbroken)?
You don’t always have to agree. Not that he can’t change his mind.
But in healthy relationships, there’s always a willingness to discuss and compromise on decisions, big and small.
In a toxic relationship, you end up with what he wants because you fear the repercussions if you don’t.
- You feel depressed and tired all the time
A toxic relationship will feel like it is draining the life out of you. Does this sound familiar?
If you feel that you cannot get enough sleep, even though you slept 9 hours, this is a sign that something is wrong.
Or if you always feel down and find it hard to enjoy the things that used to bring you joy, something is wrong.
These feelings aren’t always caused by a toxic relationship, but they don’t come out of nowhere. Be honest with yourself about why this is happening to you.
- Your friends are constantly trying to tell you that something is wrong
Often times, your friends will be able to tell that you are in a toxic relationship before you can be, especially if they are friends who knew you before the relationship began.
If they see you go from a happy, sociable person to someone who rarely socializes and who doesn’t seem to have the same love for life that they used to, they’ll know why.
Think about the conversations you’ve had with friends lately. Did they mention your husband? Or do you always feel like they don’t like him?
They have your best interests at heart, so it’s worth hearing what they have to say (even if it hurts).
- He tries to stop you from seeing your friends
Since your friends will always know if something is wrong, a toxic spouse probably won’t be too keen to see your friends.
Do you find that your husband keeps looking for excuses to join you on nights out with your friends?
Is there always a reason to cancel the long overdue girls’ dinner?
Does he refuse to have a barbecue or dinner at your house, even if you owe a large number of return invitations?
A toxic spouse will often try and justify their attempt to isolate you from others as a sign of their love for you.
He might tell you that he’s worried you’ll end up getting drunk if he’s not there to protect you, or that another guy might try to take advantage.
He will tell you that he loves you so much that he does not want to be without you, even in the evenings.
But in healthy relationships, both partners need space to be themselves, to socialize as well as together, and to pursue whatever hobbies they choose.
- Your husband is not the person you go to for support
One of the great things about a healthy, satisfying relationship is that you are each other’s greatest source of support and guidance. When you hear people say “he’s my rock,” that’s what they mean.
In a toxic relationship, you will often do everything in your power to hide any emotional distress from your spouse.
He’s the last person you go to when you need to talk about something, not the first.
You are afraid that if you ask him for support, he will react angrily or simply be dismissive.
If it also isolates you from your friends, you will have absolutely no source of support.
He doesn’t like it when you try to improve yourself
Toxic spouses will often do everything they can to prevent you from socializing with new people, trying new things, or visiting new places.
They are afraid that if you do that, you will grow away from them and you will have a reason to leave.
Maybe you want to start training for a new dream job, but he makes it clear that he thinks you’re going to fail, so don’t bother.
Or maybe you’d like to start running, but he’s constantly finding reasons why you shouldn’t go out for a run.
He might even tell you that by trying to do the thing you want to do, you’re ruining your marriage.
He’s scared and insecure, and that insecurity means he can’t risk feeling like you’re achieving more than him.
He needs to feel that you are less accomplished and successful than he is.
- You always get blamed
Because a toxic spouse feels insecure about themselves, they will always seek to blame you.
If he scratches the car while it’s parked, he’ll tell you it’s your fault for distracting him. If he burnt dinner it would be your fault for not offering to cook, as you should have known he was so tired.
He is unable to take responsibility for ordinary accidents and small failures, because his fragile ego must believe he is above blame.
He will also excel in his criticisms when you make small mistakes. You might get the 24-hour silent treatment just because you forgot to eat dinner, for example.
In healthy relationships, both partners accept that they will sometimes make minor mistakes, that this is just part of life, and usually laugh about them together, rather than argue.
A non-toxic partner will call for pizza when you forget dinner, then open wine to celebrate the unexpected night of therapy. He won’t spend hours telling you that you’re awful.
- You never have sex…or even a hug
Toxic relationships are not happy love relationships. And it is not surprising that if you are with someone who constantly criticizes you, you will find yourself unwilling to have sex with them.
A lack of emotional intimacy leads to a lack of physical intimacy.
But it’s not just about sex. In a toxic relationship, any kind of physical closeness often stops.
Never spontaneously share a cuddle in the kitchen. You eat dinner in silence without even looking at each other.
A toxic spouse may also use sex and intimacy as a tool of control.
He will withhold it from you as punishment for doing things he deems “wrong,” and if you do have sex, it can be cruel, unemotional, and one-sided. It won’t make you feel loved and cherished, but used.
- You’re always arguing
Every couple argues sometimes. But in a toxic relationship, you may enter a volatile cycle of constant arguing with extreme highs and lows.
Your relationship and life always feels unsettled. You may find that he keeps breaking up with you after a fight, only to get back together the next day. This makes you constantly try to keep him happy to avoid the draining cycle of make-up and crushes. \
Can a marriage to a toxic man be saved?
Short answer: yes.
Long answer: Only if both parties to the marriage are willing to speak openly and honestly, and are able to change.
It is worth remembering, before you attempt to save your toxic marriage, that many such marriages simply cannot be saved.
There is a difference between a toxic marriage and an abusive marriage. If your spouse becomes abusive to you or (if you have them), your children, you tread very carefully.
If you want to try to save it, and know that it is very likely that you will not be able to do so.
Experts recommend that if your marriage becomes physically abusive, don’t try to save it.
Doing so can put you in danger, and it’s important that you get out of the marriage for your own safety.
Emotional abuse is often a precursor to physical abuse, so even if your spouse is not yet physically abusive, you should be aware that this may change.
Anyone in an abusive marriage should seek professional help.
If you feel your spouse is toxic, but not necessarily abusive, there is a chance your marriage can be saved.
It is worth remembering that almost everyone is capable of some level of toxic or unhealthy behavior in a relationship. Few, if any, relationships are perfect.
The difference between healthy relationships where people sometimes behave in unhealthy ways and toxic relationships is communication.
It’s not likely that you and your spouse will always be completely aligned with your goals, values, and dreams.
There will always be times when you disagree or have different priorities.
It is loving communication and appreciating one another, both as partners and friends, that will make the difference in whether or not you can move past the toxicity and re-establish a healthy connection.
Do you think this is possible in your relationship? Talk to your husband. Tell him openly and honestly how you feel when he engages in toxic behavior.
If you feel that he is constantly criticizing you, talk (when you are calm, not when you are angry), about how you feel about it.
He may simply be so caught up in his insecurities that he won’t stop to think about how you make you feel.
If he tries to stop you from seeing your friends, talk to him about why your friends are important to you.
Maybe he feels, wrongly, that wanting to spend time with them means you’re drifting away from him, and he’s worried he’s going to lose you.
These feelings are not necessarily rational on his part, and may be the result of deep-seated insecurities developed in childhood.
It may be that, by recognizing and talking about them, you can work together to change the toxic patterns you have entered into.
To change your toxic relationship, you must:
Talk openly and honestly about how you feel. Listen to him and ask him to listen to you.
Re-establish your physical connection. Even if you’re tired at the end of a long day, take the time to just cuddle up to each other. The natural endorphins generated by physical touch will go a long way in healing your relationship.
Commit to spending time with each other, feeling grateful for each other’s existence, and respecting each other as friends and partners.
If your spouse is unwilling to do so, unfortunately it may be time to end the relationship. Not every relationship can be saved, even with counseling.
Remember, you deserve to be happy, and if you have kids, they deserve a happy home.
What to do if you have children in a toxic relationship
If you have children from a toxic spouse, it can often be tempting to stay in the relationship because you want to keep your family together.
You may also be concerned that if you leave, your children will have to spend some time alone with your toxic spouse, without you around to make sure he doesn’t become toxic to them.
But having children can also be a compelling reason why you should leave a toxic spouse.
Even if you think the toxicity in your relationship is being kept away from the kids and they’re unaware of any arguments or unhappiness, they’re probably absorbing some of the toxicity.
How to leave a toxic relationship
Leaving a toxic relationship is really hard.
Just because you were unhappy, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your husband. This does not mean that he does not love you.
But love is not always enough. The feeling that you love your husband, even though he is behaving in a toxic way, does not make you happy.
If you’ve been in a toxic relationship for some time, it’s easy to forget the importance of being happy.
It may have been so long since you felt truly happy and relaxed that you can’t remember how you felt.
You may find that you cling to memories of the early days of your relationship, when you were feeling truly happy, and are desperate to recreate it.
But, if you try to talk and communicate, and your husband is not willing to cooperate, your relationship is unlikely to change.
Without open communication, your relationship will become more toxic, not less. And if this is where you find yourself, it’s time to move on.
If you’ve been with your husband for a long time, it can be very difficult to figure out the practicalities of breaking up.
Even if he no longer makes you happy, you may have a hard time figuring out how to leave.
To do this, you need support. Start by talking to a trusted friend about your feelings.
Even if you’ve never opened yourself up before, you’ll know something is wrong.
You’ll be relieved that you finally acknowledged it. Simply talking about your feelings will help you see how you can make a difference.
With the support of your friends, make plans to leave, but don’t tell your husband until you’re really about to leave.
If you think he might be dangerous, don’t tell him at all – leave when he’s away or at work.
Think about where you are going to stay, or how you are going to get him to leave your house. Make sure you have a confidential bank account for your departure fund.
And decide where you want to be in a year – having a vision for your future will make it easier for you to go out and stick to it.
What should you do about your toxic husband?
Many relationships become toxic, often so gradually that you don’t know what’s going on.
If your relationship is toxic, you may find that you have little control over your life, that he constantly criticizes you and tries to stop you from doing the things you want to do.
He’ll find a way to get you to cancel dinner with your best friend, or change into a dress you love that reveals his liking.
There will be arguments over little things all the time and you will never get comfortable with him.
Over time, you will become depressed and anxious, and you will almost certainly never want to have sex.
When this happens, don’t panic. You may be able to fix it, but only if you want to.
If he is willing to speak openly, honestly, and own up to his mistakes, your relationship can be saved.
But if it can’t be, then it’s important that you leave, even (or especially) if you have children. Get the support you need and make a plan for a non-toxic future.
