There is one person in your circle of friends who always has a “woe is me” attitude.
blame others for everything that goes wrong; They think bad things only happen to them and don’t try to change things because they feel pointless.
Yes, this person has a severe case of victim mentality.
So how do you deal with this person without giving in or losing your temper?
If you’re dealing with someone who is the textbook victim mental state, read on. This article contains everything you need to know about dealing with someone who always pulls the victim’s card.
What is the victim mentality?
Victim mentality is a term commonly used in popular culture and informal conversation to describe people who like to wallow in negativity and force it on others.
In medical terms, it is not a term but is instead referred to as a stigma to describe a particular personality trait.
Victims often express a lot of negativity, but it is important to realize that extreme pain and distress is often the root cause of their condition.
As a result, they believe that others are to blame for their misery and that nothing they do will make a difference.
Thus, they become vulnerable, which leads to difficult outbursts and behaviors.
Key signs of victim mentality
Some signs indicate that someone is pretending to be a victim.
Avoid responsibility and accountability
One of the major hallmarks of people with a victim mentality is that they avoid responsibility and accountability at all costs.
They pass responsibility around and make excuses and blame themselves, believing that bad things happen to them for no reason. Then they begin to believe that the world is out for them and that changing this is impossible.
They don’t want to change (or can’t)
People from a victim environment are less likely to want to make changes. It may seem that they just want to feel sorry for themselves, and decline offers of help.
Spending a little time wallowing in misery isn’t necessarily unhealthy. On the contrary, this can help with acknowledging and processing painful emotions.
However, this period must have an end date. It is most effective to proceed with recovery and change afterwards.
An overwhelming feeling of helplessness
Victimization often makes people think that they do not choose to change their situation. However, despite this, life keeps throwing them into situations that, in their view, they cannot escape or succeed in.
It is essential to consider the difference between “unwilling” and “unable” when dealing with people who feel powerless because of circumstances.
Some victims may consciously shift blame onto others and be humiliated in the process.
However, those who are unable to move on have typically experienced deep-seated psychological anguish that makes change seem impossible. The unwilling are simply using the victim mentality as a scapegoat.
Negative self-talk and self-sabotage
A victim mentality may lead to internalizing the negative messages that come with challenges.
As a result of the victimization, people may think:
- “Everything bad seems to happen to me.”
- “I can’t change it, so why bother?”
- “My bad luck is my fault.”
- “Nobody seems to care about me.”
Each new difficulty reinforces these harmful beliefs until they become ingrained in their inner dialogue. Negative self-talk damages resilience over time, making it difficult to heal and recover from challenges.
Self-sabotage often goes hand in hand with negative self-talk. Those who believe their self-talk often are more likely to live it. Negative self-talk often unconsciously gets in the way of any attempts at change.
Lack of self-confidence
It may affect the victim’s low self-esteem and self-confidence. As a result, they may feel more victimized.
The belief that I am “not smart enough” or “not talented enough” can prevent people from developing their skills or identifying new skills or abilities that could enable them to achieve their goals.
If they work toward what they want but fail, they may believe that they are once again the victims of circumstances. From their negative perspective, it can be hard to see any other possibilities, for all the light at the end of the tunnel.
Frustration, anger and resentment
Emotional well-being can be affected by the mentality of the victim.
People with this mindset may experience:
- It seems that the world is against them, making them frustrated and angry
- Feeling helpless that nothing will change
- Feeling pain when they think their loved ones don’t care
- Anger at happy and successful people
The feelings that develop and fester within people who feel they will always be victims can affect them deeply. In the long term, these feelings can lead to:
Excessive anger
- depressed mood
- exclusion
- Unit
How to deal with the victim mentality
Even after reading that, you can relate! I know it takes a lot, but what are your choices?
You care about this person and you simply cannot ignore them. After all, they are looking at you. How do you deal with them?
If you’re struggling with a loved one or loved one who is always pulling the victim card, here’s how you can help without stressing yourself out mentally and physically.
1) Be empathetic
Know that they have experienced traumatic events in the past, and express sympathy for them.
Comforting phrases, like I hear you, I can imagine what that sounds like, or, I can say, I can go a long way in making them feel supported.
Take it a step further, put yourself in their shoes, and then provide them with the ideas you have based on whether you are one of them.
You could say, “It’s awful that you have to deal with this.” I’m here to help you if you need it.”
2) It does not appear to be judgmental.
They are opening up to you because they trust you and feel comfortable with you, so allow them to speak their truth without feeling judged or ashamed.
Avoid saying things like “Why did you do that? It’s so common” or “I wouldn’t die with XYZ… you get the picture. Instead, use more language and avoid saying it.”
3) Explain your role
Let them know that you are listening from an outsider’s perspective.
You are there to help, not to find out right and wrong. Nor are you there to play referee.
This will help you not to be drawn into all the emotions. Instead, you simply listen and respond as a complete outsider would respond to the situation.
4) Allow them to vent
Although it may be stressful on you, getting them to vent is the best step forward.
Let them empty their hearts and get everything that bothers them out of their chest. This will help them feel that you support and trust them.
Also, while they’re talking, don’t interrupt them. Instead, use nonverbal communication such as nodding and nodding facial features to show them that you are listening to them intently.
You could say something like: I can’t solve your problem for you, but I can help you with it.
5) Set boundaries
This is very important when dealing with someone who suffers from a victim mentality.
You need to set clear boundaries and rules about what points of discussion, personal opinions, etc. are appropriate for you.
You need to make it clear what you feel comfortable and uncomfortable discussing because, at any moment, someone might cross into this landmine area.
But how can you set boundaries and promote a healthier relationship?
The truth is, you have to start from within:
The relationship between you and yourself.
Only then can you deal with a manipulator or a difficult relationship.
I learned about this from the shaman Rhoda Ayandi. In his original, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, he gives you the tools to plant yourself at the center of your world.
It covers some of the major mistakes most of us make in our relationships, such as codependent habits and unhealthy expectations. Most of us make mistakes without realizing it.
So why would I recommend Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques drawn from ancient shamanic teachings, but puts his own modern day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but his experiences of love weren’t much different from mine.
Until he found a way around these common issues. And this is what he wants to share with you.
So if you’re ready to make that change today and grow healthy, loving relationships and relationships you know you deserve, check out his simple and true advice.
6) Keep the conversation light.
Ask lots of probing questions to make sure the person is thinking clearly. Some good examples of survey questions are:
“What do you do best?”
When you look back, what are some of the things you did well?
By asking these open-ended questions, they are more likely to be open-ended and give you more information.
7) Add a sense of humor to the conversation
If it is appropriate to do so, use humor to make the conversation more bearable.
You can make fun of the situation or problem by adding a little humor to things.
You’ll know the invisible limit that shouldn’t be crossed, so make sure you don’t overdo it.
Excessive humor may make them feel that you don’t take them seriously or that you don’t think their problem is serious.
8) Encouragement, not advice.
Help and encourage them to discover things and also don’t stain things for them.
Offer to help them find solutions, but don’t try to shield them from bad outcomes.
Instead of telling them what you would do in the situation, help them set realistic goals that can help them change the situation.
9) Don’t get carried away with arguments.
Before getting into any conversation, make sure you are well prepared and don’t allow yourself to get sucked into destructive dynamics.
Remind them that you are here to help and that arguing won’t benefit anyone.
“I know this is important and I care too, but it seems like we’re going in circles. Let’s pick this up later?”
10) Talk about facts.
People who consider themselves victims often try to tell their version of what happened and often ignore factual information at hand.
If you find this happening during the conversation, politely tell them the factual information you’re making. This will bring them back to basic.
11) Don’t take sides
Make sure you remain objective and help them identify unhelpful behaviors such as blaming, complaining, and not taking responsibility.
At all costs, avoid being drawn into a “he said, she said” battle because it is anything but counterproductive.
She said, she said the situation is not going to help anyone here.
12) Avoid stickers
Do not classify them as victims, as this will only make the situation worse. Chances are, they already knew they were stuck in a victim mentality.
They are pleading for you to help them, so don’t put a label on them if you want to make things worse.
13) Don’t say things you will regret
Don’t attack them and be nice. Allow them to grow through your encouragement. After all, they’ve turned to you for guidance, and if you get upset or angry and say something in the heat of the moment, you’ll likely destroy their trust in you.
Although taxing, it is your duty to help this person, so you must do what you can to help them get better.
14) Be the voice of reason.
Often times people with a victim mentality don’t think and speak from a place of fear.*
What you need to do is influence them so that they act more rationally. Through this influence, you can help go deeper and gain more important insights into why they feel a certain way.
15) Don’t stoop to their level, be honest.
Dealing with someone who has a victim mentality can be downright stressful. You will constantly have to watch your words and navigate the conversation without detonating a mine.
Avoid getting caught up in petty squabbles and make it known that you’re managing the conversation.
You may also be tempted to throw in the towel and give up.
They need your help and you are
