Gaslighting is the process of changing a person’s perception of reality.
This tactic is often used by bad partners to get what they want in a relationship; They’ll say things like, “I don’t remember doing that.
You’re making it up,” to deliberately avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
But did you know that gaslighting can be done unintentionally?
In fact, unintentional gaslighting is more common than you might think.
Your friends, your family, and even you may have hit someone out without even realizing it.
Being aware of common gaslighting techniques is important to maintaining your relationships with others.
Here are 12 examples of unintentional gaslighting.
- Telling white lies
We often think of white lies as nothing more than a small thing.
If we forget to buy flowers for our significant other and instead say they ran out of roses, we think it’s no big deal.
We tell ourselves it’s just a little lie. You won’t hurt anyone.
Except it covers up the fact that you might be more flawed than your significant other might think.
The truth you tell your significant other is that it was the florist’s fault for not having the roses; You picture yourself as a dedicated partner who has always had your significant other on top of things.
When in reality, you may have been really focused on something else entirely.
White lies change reality more than you think.
- Ending the fight before it is resolved
You may have found yourself in a fight with your friend, arguing about different opinions about something.
But instead of coming to a mutual resolution, you say, “I’m tired of this fight. I’m done talking about this.”
The message this sends is that you are denying the other person the opportunity to share their view of reality with you.
You’re making them think the fight is resolved when it really isn’t.
Out of blind rage and frustration, she dominates the argument and buries the hatchet – when in reality there is still more to be said.
- Ignore the red flags
Did you know that it is even possible to light yourself with gas?
Perhaps your partner was abusive and unfaithful to you.
Your friends have seen them call you names and treat you as if there was no love in your relationship at all.
But you keep insisting that you can change it.
You tell yourself that they are just having a bad day, and they just need a little rest or to be understood.
By ignoring the red flags, you are ignoring the fact that your partner may not be the one for you.
The worst part is that you may not see it; Whenever someone mentions it, you tell them they’re crazy.
- Blaming others for their actions
When you work in a group and make a mistake, you may instinctively place the blame on someone else for being “too” anxious or “too” irresponsible.
But the truth is that you acted out of your own insecurities. It was a defense mechanism for you.
By deflecting responsibility, you may have accidentally set others on fire.
While it’s very possible that their actions and behavior influenced yours, their responses could be completely normal – it was really just you.
- Saying something is no big deal
When something catastrophic happens to you or someone you know, such as getting into a car accident, losing a job, or getting divorced, it can be very fair to say that such a loss is no big deal.
You light yourself up to mitigate reality:
that you will have to pay a real and very specific amount of money that you may not have to pay for the repairs; you need to find another job in a competitive job market; And that you spent years of your life with someone who didn’t feel the same way you did.
While others may view situations differently, it is still important to learn how to accept the situation for what it is.
- Not talking
Sometimes gaslighting can happen without you having to say anything.
For example, you are hanging out with a guy who thinks you are his best friend.
In fact, you don’t see them that way at all.
You see them as more of a fun person to be around, but not someone you invite to be your best man or maid of honor.
But they don’t know that and you didn’t tell them.
By not speaking up, you are allowing them to believe that you are more important in their lives than they think they are.
You might do it out of kindness. You don’t want to break their hearts, so keep moving forward.
But know that you are allowing them to continue living a lie.
- Being quick to judge different people
When someone comes to you with an idea that you’re not used to hearing about, you may be quick to dismiss it.
You might say, “This idea is very strange.”
Although you may have good intentions to save them from catastrophic failure, by rushing to judge their idea, you are actually bending reality to your will and forcing them to conform to your idea of what is normal.
In fact, it might just be a bad idea for you.
For another audience, it can be completely rational and rational. It’s just a frame of reference for what a good and a bad idea doesn’t coincide with.
- Disagreement based on someone’s background
You might talk to someone about business topics, and then go out and tell yourself,
“What do they know? They didn’t graduate from the university I did.”
The unintentional manipulation of reality here is that you are saying that someone’s background invalidates their opinion.
It positions the university as a place of stupidity, as opposed to what it believes to be the home of brilliance.
But this, of course, is not true.
Great people can come from anywhere; It’s not always just about where you know where people are.
In other words, you’re not just a gaslighter; You are showing prejudice towards this person.
- Making false promises
You promised your friend that you’d be over to his house at 10 a.m. but you’ll be there at 11. You apologize and move on.
Although it may be a small mistake, if you often fail to keep your promises, you are putting a potentially perverted reality into what you promise your friend.
Even worse if you don’t apologize.
The nature of the promise is that it is meant to be fulfilled.
The more you save on your promises, the less impact the promise will have.
Your friend may become more wary than she should be when others make promises.
- Spreading gossip
You may have heard from your close contacts that someone you know got a random woman pregnant and left.
You have no evidence to prove it; It’s just rumours.
But you think it’s too sexy not to get involved, so you pass it on.
By passing it on with you, you change people’s perception of this person you are talking about.
By telling others, you are portraying him as an impulsive, unreliable and very promiscuous person.
When the fact that what you say isn’t really true.
You are spreading misinformation, and this has real consequences.
In this case, it’s someone’s reputation.
- Overexperienced
When you share online that the food at the restaurant you ate at had the worst food in the world, you are spreading a lie.
Although it may be dismissed as humor, it is also possible for people to change their perception of a restaurant.
If you meet someone who actually loves food, you can call them crazy; You’re making them think there’s a problem with them when there really isn’t a problem.
The food may not actually be horrible; It’s not the kind of food you normally eat.
- Overstimulation
When someone lags behind you in mastering a skill, you may feel the need to encourage them and say, “It’s going to be OK! You have nothing to worry about!”
Everything will work out. “
While your intention, of course, may be great, you may be setting them up for disappointment and frustration.
The truth is that you don’t have the same body type and mental abilities.
You may have developed more than them, so something may be fine for you, but for them it is above what they are capable of.
- Dealing with unintentional gaslighting
Just because you don’t know gaslighting doesn’t mean it doesn’t actually happen.
Others have compared it to the difference between murder and manslaughter.
Killing is premeditated, and manslaughter can be self-defense.
Either way, there is no denying that someone died.
One way to avoid unintentional gaslighting is to increase self-awareness. Take your language, for example.
There’s a difference in telling someone they’re ugly and saying they simply aren’t your type.
Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask them how they interpret what you are going to say.
You may not even realize how manipulative you are in reality.
