“Why can’t you do things right?!”
If this is a line you hear often, it can definitely dent your confidence. Not only that, it can also be very frustrating. It takes a lot of maturity not to raise a white flag and just say, “I quit!” right in their faces.
It becomes even more difficult if it is someone very important to you like your father, best friend or business partner.
If you struggle with being blamed for everything, here are 15 effective ways to deal with it.
First keep your sanity
1) Keep your head cool
This is a must if you are dealing with someone who has negative personality traits.
As tempting — and easy — as it gets your nerves to soar, it’s important to restrain yourself.
The last thing you want is to give them more ammo to shoot you. Lose your temper, and they will find a way to use it to blame you. They might break a vase and then tell you “You yelled at me, so look what you made me do!”
This does not mean that you have to put up with it silently. If anything, by remaining calm you can learn how to handle your situation better.
2) Learn to calm yourself
When you’re stressed, what things help you calm down or feel good about yourself?
Things like chewing on candy, listening to soft jazz, or rolling balls between your fingers, for example.
Think about it, and try to find a way to always have you on hand for stress relief for those times when you feel like you might explode.
Even small distractions can help a lot when things get stressful, as they give you a way to mentally escape your situation.
You may want to bring a small bag of candy with you, for example. Or make sure you always have a fidget spinner in your bag. Try to treat the root of the problem though, or you’ll ruin your teeth! But in the meantime, this will do the trick.
3) Think happy thoughts
While thinking about the good may not solve anything, at least it can give you relief from your suffering.
It can be helpful to make a list of things you’re grateful for and keep it in your wallet when you’re feeling incompetent and not to blame for everything.
Go ahead and jot down your accomplishments, your big dreams, the memories you love, and the things that make you proud of yourself.
When you hear them ranting about why the apartment is always dirty, remind yourself that while that may be true, you do have a great life with lots of good things to be grateful for.
4) Remind yourself that they are a small part of your journey
Blaming all the time can make us feel useless and unimportant — like we are and never will be good enough.
If you’re dealing with a particularly picky mentor or boss, you may feel like you’re always just one mistake away from messing things up for good.
If you’re dealing with an annoying, overly critical parent, you may feel like you’re simply not up to anything.
But this is not true.
Those people who keep blaming you are just one of many you will meet on your journey through life.
It won’t matter much to them ten or twenty years from now, so don’t care too much about them and just focus on becoming the best version of you instead.
Also keep in mind that even though it may not seem like it, you are good enough now. And with each day you live, you will continue to get better.
5) Take it as training
There is nothing you would want more than to run away from the people who keep blaming you. But sometimes you may not be able to. You may still depend on them, or you may not have the resources to start over somewhere else.
In the meantime, it might help to change your mindset instead — viewing the entire experience with them as an exercise in your patience, kindness, and self-love.
People say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. This isn’t always true, because sometimes it’s up to you whether to let something build you up or break you down.
To make it even more fun, you might want to imagine yourself as a contestant on Hell’s Kitchen with Gordon Ramsey. Lots of lessons you can learn from that, too.
Don’t focus on how to convert it. Instead, focus on how you can use the experience to improve yourself.
6) Don’t take it personally
It’s hard not to take pointy comments and behaviors towards you personally, especially if they do it to you all the time and even more so if they are someone important to you.
Whoever it is – be it a lover, a co-worker, or a group mate – don’t think that their hurtful words define you as a person.
In fact, it is very likely that they are projecting their issues onto you. They are using you as a scapegoat not because of what you did, but because of the things that are going on inside their minds.
Maybe they decided to put all the blame on you, for example, because they thought you were so cheerful. And perhaps the reason they hate your cheerfulness is because they used to be cheerful too, only to be laughed at for it.
secondly. Do a little self-reflection
7) Ask yourself “Do they always blame me or do I not feel like it?”
Look, you definitely shouldn’t light yourself up. However, it may be beneficial for you if you do some self-reflection. While it’s true that they blame you for things, there’s a chance that they don’t do it as often as it seems.
In order to answer this question, you need to pay attention to the frequency of your interaction and whether most of it is actually negative.
The best way to do this is to keep a diary. Write down your negative and positive interactions for the day for at least two weeks. If they blame you for everything every single day, then it’s a toxic relationship that you need to get out of.
However, if you only notice three out of twenty bad interactions, then either those three bad interactions were particularly severe…or it could be because of insecurities, and what they said just happened that triggered your insecurities.
You don’t take all the blame, of course, but it’s something you both need to work on.
8) Ask yourself, “Am I hypersensitive?”
It’s time to take a good look at yourself – from the moment you were born to the present day.
Do you consider yourself a sensitive person? In general, are you easily offended?
Do you think people are too careless with their words? There is, of course, nothing wrong with being sensitive. In fact, being a highly sensitive person has its gifts.
Asking these questions should not negate the fact that you are dealing with someone. It will give you a better idea of how to deal with the constant feeling of blame.
9) Ask yourself “Did I really do something wrong?”
Perhaps you are not the sensitive type and are in fact dealing with a deceptive and verbally abusive person.
So it is important to ask yourself if you really did something wrong because it can dent your self-esteem if you just allow them to verbally abuse you.
Think of the last three or four instances in which they blamed you for something. Play it back in your head and put it under the microscope.
Let’s say they blame you for not getting up early because you were late for an event. Ask yourself if you really committed a crime and if it was a major crime. Let’s say it’s a wedding… Then of course, I did something wrong.
But suppose they blame you for being lazy and that’s why you don’t earn enough, when that’s clearly not the case – you work 50 hours a week and you’re still looking for another job – then hey, they’re doing nothing wrong and they’re just mean and complaining .
If you really think you did nothing wrong, don’t let their words get to you.
10) Ask yourself “Do they have a problem?”
After analyzing yourself, of course you should analyze the person who keeps blaming you.
Do they have anger management issues? Do they have too high expectations? Are their parents strict? It is likely that you know them well enough and help to understand what is on their minds.
Next, ask yourself if they are going through something. Have they told you a problem that worries them? Maybe they are just nervous, which is why they blame things on you.
Some people are not very good at dealing with stressful situations, and if you think this is the case, try to be patient and help them deal with their stress in a healthy way.
Third. Try to check
11) Pay attention to patterns
There is always a pattern or common thread behind abuse or negative behavior, and figuring out exactly what that is will help you deal with the problem itself.
Think about when they are most likely to blame you.
For example, a colleague might make it a habit to blame you when he’s approaching a deadline, or he might do it in front of his superiors to look better.
Another example is the love of your life who blames you for whatever goes wrong every time they lack sleep.
When you figure out the most likely triggers and scenarios for when they start blaming you, you can see it coming early on and prepare for it mentally and emotionally.
It can also give you clues about what you should ask them to change.
12) Pay attention to how they treat others
If they blame others for everything too, it’s probably time to accept them for who they are. This doesn’t mean you’re going to let them blame you all the time, but you should manage your expectations.
They are what they are, especially if they are really old. Sure, they can still change but it will likely take some time.
However, if they are kind and patient towards others and yet blame you for everything, it may be a sign that they don’t respect you or have deep anger towards you.
13) Identify the things they usually blame you for
It might seem like they blame you for everything, but chances are, that’s not the case. No one would possess this kind of energy even if they were the most mysterious person in the world.
But let’s say they blame you a lot. It’s time to list and classify them.
For example, if they blame you for getting up late, going to bed late, not being on time, and not paying the bills, you can see that there is a common pattern. All of these are related to poor time management.
Another example is if they blame you for your company’s poor performance because you didn’t do your part well, for not getting a client because your presentation is “slick” because you’re up until 3 in the morning. Both are irresponsible.
By selecting root, you will know which ones you can work on. She may be negative, but that doesn’t mean she’s completely wrong. It’s always good to know what areas you need to work on.
Fourthly. Deal with it once and for all
14) If you are sure that you did nothing wrong, stand up for yourself.
If they keep blaming you for things just because they can, stop it.
There are some people who just enjoy bullying and blaming people so they can feel superior. Show them that you don’t tolerate this anymore.
But if they are better than you or if you have a sensitive relationship – let’s say they are your boss or your spouse – you should use nice language. You also have to stand up for yourself in a very direct way, without embellishment or drama.
If they say “You’re the reason we’re late again!” Because you got up late. Tell them “Yes, I got up late again but I was already waiting for you five minutes early.”
Of course they will refute, but be careful not to get emotional when you defend your case. Make it clear to them that you will not accept blame.
15) If you did something wrong, say sorry.
Those who blame others are often controlling people, and most of the time, a controlling person wants a proper apology so that you both can move on.
It’s annoying but it can have a huge impact on how you treat each other.
And who knows, maybe they got hurt all along that’s why they blame you for everything.
Even if it’s as simple as you not turning off the tap, you should really say sorry to remove the emotional stress.
16) Try to get better
You might say “but I’m not doing anything wrong,” in which case, you really are with an abusive person. Get out now before they suck the life out of you.
But in general, when we say that, and we are dealing with someone who is still sane, it is not entirely true. There may be some things you do that really need improvement.
Go make some changes and be sure to watch your milestones. You will need it the next time they attack you with blame.
For example, if you’ve always been 30 minutes late, but you’ve made changes and are now only five minutes late each day, you’re not perfect but you’re definitely getting better. Tell them that next time they will blame you again.
17) Tell them how their behavior affects you
If you’ve been feeling this way for a really long time, it’s time to sit down and talk and tell them that you’re not feeling well anymore.
It’s hard and your voice may be trembling but it’s something you need to do for yourself and your relationship.
Sometimes, some people are just not aware of how they affect others and that may be all it takes to cut back on what they do.
Try to make sure that you are comfortable (and even in a happy mood) doing this. It could be just what you need to do.
18) Teach them how to treat you right
We know that changing habits takes time. They won’t become nice overnight even if they try, so be prepared to play the role of “mentor,” helping them learn how to treat you properly.
Sure, you may have your own flaws, and that may be why they keep blaming you. But no one is perfect and what matters is that you try your best to improve.
You both have the right to human dignity – not to be treated like trash. So think about how you want to be treated and tell them.
For example, if they have some complaints about you, at least tell them not to say them in front of your kids or other people.
Or tell them you’d rather they tell you directly than roll their eyes and give you the cold shoulder when they think you’ve done something wrong again.
- Protect yourself before it’s too late
19) Set boundaries
If it’s someone you can’t get away from, the best thing you can do is set clear boundaries.
If you have a malicious boss, make sure they respect your personal hours by not answering their calls when you’re not at work — like when they decide to call you in the middle of the night, for example.
If they were your parents, you wouldn’t have to stay at the dinner table until he finished lecturing you about the things you’re not offended by. You can nod respectfully and then excuse yourself.
If it’s your girlfriend or boyfriend, tell them not to call you at work just to complain about the way you do the dishes.
You have to set very clear boundaries and they should allow you to remove yourself from toxic situations without taking it against you.
20) Find a good support system
It feels bad enough to take the blame for things that aren’t your fault, and it’s even worse when it happens all the time.
Go ahead and find people who can help you deal with this – someone you can trust to protect your secrets and offer understanding. It could be your best friend, your loving grandmother, or your therapist.
This is especially useful if you can’t get away from the person who is blaming you.
Tell them how you feel, ask their advice, and allow yourself to be soothed by their words and attentive ears.
It is difficult to deal with this alone. If you’ve done all of the above and your husband or wife hasn’t changed, you shouldn’t feel guilty for talking about your problems with your best friend. You are not spreading gossip here, but crying out for help.
21) If all else fails, cut ties
Let’s say you are a very patient person and you get a lot better at internalizing their complaints about you…and yet, they treat you the same or even worse. Well, it’s time to pack your bags and leave.
No relationship, job, or career is worth it if your mental health and self-esteem must suffer every day until you are drained into an empty shell.
This is a fate worse than death. Believe me, there is a better way to live.
Think of it this way. If you’re reading a book in the park and every five seconds a random kid throws a pebble at you. You tell them to stop throwing pebbles at you, but they don’t listen.
