I recently ended a two year serious relationship.
The heartache was bad, and it took a while for me to find my feet again, but what made it worse was my ex-husband’s horrible behavior and actions.
Talking to friends and reading articles by psychologists and relationship coaches, I came to see that her behavior wasn’t random.
It was part of a pattern of destructive and hurtful things every toxic person does at the end of a relationship.
1) I send you toxic and hurtful messages
When a relationship ends it is very painful.
The breakup could be mutual and there could be many reasons why you broke up.
But it still hurts.
My ex-wife and I both found that our relationship had just diminished, and I found her behavior to be overly controlling.
But I wasn’t angry with her or hated her. I just wanted to go back to living my own life.
That’s not how she saw it, and if she broke up with a toxic person, neither would they.
Poisonous messages are likely to start right away:
Accusations, angry denunciations, insults, wishing you bad luck in the future, threatening to expose past wrongs you made, or manipulating you for things you allegedly did.
2) Trash talks to you behind your back
Second, they’ll start talking trash behind your back to friends, family, and just about anyone possible.
This is just an amplification of sending all the angry and toxic pen messages.
They’re amplifying it by telling it to everyone else who will listen, and trying to ruin your reputation and make you a monster.
This is a very toxic behavior, but very common.
Instead of trying to resolve the hurt on their own or talking to you, the toxic person feels the need to announce it and get other people involved.
This is a really bad habit and it can be hard to believe it’s even happening to you, because it’s probably something you would never do.
Could someone who once claimed to care deeply about you get this bad?
Unfortunately, the answer is yes.
3) Spreading their pain on all social media
The other thing every toxic person will do at the end of a relationship is spit it all over.
They will brag about how sad, angry, and disgusted they are on social media.
They may also brag about how happy they are to be free from someone who is supposedly awful like you.
No matter who broke up with whom, toxic people take the end of a relationship as an opportunity to burn everything.
They will try to harm you as much as possible, including by publicizing and spreading the detachment as much as possible.
This could include some really bad jokes, vlogs (video logs), and even a compilation of direct messages and private correspondence between the two of you.
Again, it’s really terrifying to think that someone you once trusted could stoop to that kind of leap, but in reality toxic individuals will go down that low and even lower in their quest for revenge.
4) Try to undermine the previous foundation of the relationship
The other thing every toxic person will do at the end of a relationship is try to blow up any previous foundation of the relationship.
They will basically claim that the relationship was worthless from the start or was based on a lie.
Guess wrongly who that lie was and who was the person who entered the relationship on a false basis?
Of course it was you.
They are your innocent victim, and they are basically the devil.
It’s always good to know…
This type of villain role may seem funny at first and you may be tempted to blow it off or see it as childish.
To be fair, it’s clearly childish and not deserving of your respect.
But you have to be very careful not to defuse this from the start. If you allow your toxic ex to think they can just scream and rave as much as they want, they will likely take it too far and become an extreme, destabilizing force in your life.
5) I blame you for the breakup, even if they were a dump truck
Another thing that is always certain according to a toxic person is that you take responsibility for the breakup.
Even if they abandoned you, it was your fault that you were abandoned.
No matter what happened in the special times between the two of you, it’s up to you to play a terrible person in their eyes.
You’re supposed to please this ex and calm his ego.
No matter how much you may have been hurt or how much they betrayed you, it is expected that you will bear all the weight on your shoulders and undergo the abuse.
It’s honestly so disgusting.
If they yell at you and treat you terribly? Your fault for not understanding them enough or not being kind enough.
If they steal money from you or even beat you? You got them to do this by flirting with someone else or not paying enough attention to them.
And over and over…
6) Ask you to take responsibility for their well-being
An integral part of this gaslighting is that you are expected to be responsible for how your ex feels.
The breakup hurt them, it was your fault, you are a fraud etc.
Everything you did or didn’t do hurt and betrayed them greatly, supposedly, and now you’re responsible for whatever happens to them.
This can unfortunately reach the point of threatening suicide if you don’t win him back or convince him.
This is where the ex’s behavior goes from being hurtful to being illegal and you may even have to contact law enforcement.
Trying to put someone else in charge of your life is a very dangerous step to take and can cause you enormous psychological stress that you don’t have to take.
If things go this far, be sure to talk to a trusted friend or a licensed professional about what to do next.
Many people have ended up going back to an ex or allowing their abuse because of guilt about what would happen if that person hurt themselves.
7) Give ultimatums about getting her back or try to make you feel guilty
This bit of ultimatums is very common for toxic people to do after a breakup.
“If you don’t take me back I will…”
“If you don’t admit you were wrong, I’m good at leaving bad reviews about your business everywhere possible online under a bunch of random accounts.”
“If you don’t see why I had to break up with you, it’s because you’re a terrible person.”
When this gets to the point of them threatening self-harm is when you may have to start thinking about your next steps on a very serious level, as you mentioned.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t overreact to your dangerous and toxic ex, but you also can’t underreact.
And so on and so on.
8) Try to sabotage the good things going on in your life
Whatever good you have in your life, a toxic ex will do one of two things.
He will do his best to give you bad reviews, complain about you, ruin your reputation and harm your life.
The second option is that they will spread so much negativity and talk off your ear that they will try to make you “knock out” all your winnings.
“Yes, you started this new business, congratulations. You do realize that the whole sector is heading for a massive crash next year, right?”
And so on and so on…
9) Blame yourself for future problems and avoid blocks
No matter how many times you block this toxic ex, they will find a way to get over it.
New SIM cards, new phones, a Skype phone number they can call from, you name it.
Well, I’m probably giving too many ideas to the grumpy outsider here.
the point is:
Whatever happens, they will find a way to fill your ear with their poisonous nonsense, and they won’t take no for granted.
Obviously, this can be so heartbreaking, that you start hoping that they’ll meet someone new and be happy just to be left alone!
10) Be jealous and look into any future relationship you have
It would be nice to think that your goodwill towards your ex will return.
But toxic people always take the end of a relationship as an opportunity to burn your reputation and wish you ill.
Whatever success you’re enjoying or new love you find, chances are they’ll be out there making sarcastic comments or making fun of you online.
