It’s really easy to look at another person’s relationship and identify all the problems that are going on, isn’t it?
But when it comes to being alone, it’s much more difficult.
You have mixed feelings, a shared history, hopes for the future and so much more.
This is why it’s so hard to detect when your relationship has gone bad, or even worse, your partner has become toxic.
I know because I was in the exact same situation. I realized too late what was really going on, and now I want to help others recognize the signs of abuse.
Well, here are 10 red flags that you are in a controlling relationship. Be brave dear reader, there is a light at the end of the tunnel…
1) You’re forever asking permission
Imagine having to ask your friends every time you want to go out for coffee with someone who doesn’t involve them – it would sound crazy, wouldn’t it?
Well, I hate to break it with you, but if you’re asking your partner for permission to do things like:
Seeing family or friends
Get out on your own
Make your choices in personal life
You may be in a controlling relationship. The same applies if you need their approval for what you wear or the food you eat…
These are all major red flags that you may be dominating the relationship and, as a result, losing your sense of independence.
2) “It’s my way or the highway”
Do you find it difficult to compromise your partner?
Subscribe to Hack Spirit!
Get updates on the latest posts and more from Hack Spirit straight to your inbox.
Your E-mail…
Participate
I agree to receive personalized emails and ads.
For example, with my incredibly controlling ex, I remember trying to negotiate something as simple as who picks the movie that particular night.
He would never give up – if it wasn’t his way, he would have started a huge fight.
This is another classic sign of control within a relationship.
The truth is, a healthy partnership is based on respecting each other and conceding when you don’t get along.
But if your partner makes a fuss every time they don’t get what they want, it’s only natural for you to back off… Basically, they keep control of the entire situation by manipulating your feelings.
You might find yourself hanging around them, just because you know they’re going to make such a big thing out of every little thing – that’s no way to live life.
3) Your opinions are never “correct.”
Another red flag you’re in a controlling relationship is if you never do something right, and your opinions aren’t valued or listened to.
This is very worrying because if your partner starts making you doubt your own decisions and perceptions, you may end up with low self-esteem.
I remember once making an innocent comment, like, “I love that dress.”
My ex looked at me with a face of disgust and told me I had no idea what I was talking about.
If your ex is doing the same thing or criticizing everything you say or do, this is another cruel attempt to control things.
They so consume your self-esteem and esteem that you give up having an opinion or doing anything for yourself!
4) The blame game never ends
“If I had dinner on time, I wouldn’t be in such a bad mood, would I?”
Sentences like this make me shudder. They refer to someone who takes no responsibility for their moods or actions and, instead, blames everyone else.
So why is this a red flag for being dominant in a relationship?
Well, by constantly blaming you for everything that goes wrong, your partner is filling you with self-doubt and guilt.
You may really think that you are doing something wrong when in reality, they will be in a bad mood regardless of whether or not you ate dinner on time.
Either way, it keeps you where they want you – under their thumb.
5) Your friends are slowly disappearing from view
One thing I didn’t realize was going on during my controlling relationship was that my friendships were disappearing.
It wasn’t obvious because it happened gradually.
But before I know it, whenever I mention seeing a friend, my partner will inevitably get into trouble…
Either they weren’t a “good influence” on me, or I was making him feel left out by going out without him.
Now I understand how this was another form of control:
With my isolation, he knew I wouldn’t be able to run to my friends once things got worse. I will feel lonely. Naturally, I will become more dependent on it.
6) Public humiliation has become the norm
Another red flag to look out for is public humiliation…
This sign can not only control, but, crucially, show complete disrespect.
If your partner:
He bluntly compares you to others, “Why can’t you be more like her, it’s so much fun!”
He makes mean remarks, “Honestly, you’re so stupid sometimes.”
It restricts you from making your own decisions, “Don’t think about it, I already said you can’t have another drink.”
They use humiliation to butcher your self-esteem. As I mentioned earlier, this is another tactic used to control you.
Because without self-respect, you will find it difficult to be confident and independent. Instead, you will depend more and more on your partner, which is exactly what he wants.
7) Your partner puts the spotlight on you
Gassing is when someone makes you doubt your memories or emotions.
My ex husband uses this routinely. We were arguing, and when I brought up something harsh he said, he would flatly deny it.
I would be completely baffled…it got to the point where I started to question my own thoughts and memories.
This is a very scary place to live. You feel like you are losing your grip on reality.
And all those feelings. Fear, confusion, helplessness, and isolation directly feed into your partner’s desire to control you.
8) You feel like you’re being watched 24/7
Now, as desperate as gaslighting makes you feel, being watched all the time will make you feel like a criminal being investigated by the FBI.
If your partner:
Checks your phone constantly
He wants all of your social media passwords
He needs to know where you are and with whom you are
Tracks the amount of time you spent when you were out
These are all major control flags. This is not normal behavior in a relationship.
Sure, some couples may use each other’s phones from time to time. Most of them will check in with each other throughout the day when they are both out.
But it shouldn’t be a requirement.
Whether your partner is extremely jealous or has other issues, it’s important to know that the game of keeping things in check on you isn’t healthy.
9) The silent treatment is used as a weapon
Ah, the dreaded cold shoulder.
If you are in a controlling relationship, you are probably used to experiencing this.
I actually thought it was normal until I realized it is a weapon used to punish you when your abuser doesn’t get what they want.
My ex would ignore me for days on end, sometimes insisting that I “beg” for his forgiveness before we could go back to normal.
Personally, I think aggressors do this for two reasons:
To play with your feelings and keep you on edge. This helps them maintain control, after all, only they can decide when the cold snap is over.
to hurt you. It’s just a way to punish you. In fact, some studies have shown that being ignored by someone you love can cause physical pain. These abusers know what they’re doing.
Instead of speaking rationally about the issues, they would rather keep you in the dark. Not only is this unhealthy, it’s disrespectful and harmful!
10) Your partner is constantly trying to change you
Do you recognize yourself when you look in the mirror?
I’m not asking to make you feel bad, but to make you aware if your partner is cheating on you, one piece at a time.
It might start with something like, “Oh, but you’d look better if you wore that,” and eventually lead to, “You can’t think of that, what’s wrong with you?”
Hey, red flag.
This is the complete opposite of unconditional love. Trying to change who you are as a person, or how you dress, is basically their way of controlling you.
They no longer just monitor where you go or who you talk to, now they want to have a say in everything you think, wear or do.
Believe me, no matter how hard you try to please them, it will never be enough.
