As they say, you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family. This is part of the reason why family dynamics can be so difficult.
Even when you love each other, it doesn’t mean that you will always love each other.
Fallouts, disagreements, and arguments are common in all types of families.
It’s easy to point fingers. But if you feel like conflict is following you, it’s time to think about whether you can fuel the problem.
Here are some signs that you are.
1) You are trying to change your family
Outwardly, the desire to change your family for the better looks like a noble intention.
If we love them, why wouldn’t we want them to evolve into better versions of themselves?!
But this mindset can quickly land you in hot water.
The day I realized that I was not responsible for my family, the day my relationship with them changed for the better.
this means:
Letting go of some of the things they were doing that I didn’t agree with
Acknowledging any suffering and struggles they created for themselves was up to them, not me
Accepting that they have the right to make their own choices, even those that I don’t always think serve them
We can support our families as best we can. We can give them advice when they want it.
But this is their life, and they have to dictate it (whether we agree or not).
Love never gives us the right to try to control. It leads to frustration and potential repercussions when we try.
Even when we have the best of intentions, when we’re trying to guide and direct our families, it can feel like we’re judging them.
2) You are the judge
If you are completely honest with yourself, deep down you will think that you are better than them.
And this sense of superiority tends to crush empathy and compassion.
You may feel:
They are constantly wrong
They keep making mistakes
They are not as smart as you
Their opinions and ideas are stupid
Their lifestyle choices are completely misguided or foolish
Hey, you might be right. But the fact remains that no one wants to feel judged. It’s incredibly alienating.
It divides not unites. And any judgmental situation can quickly devolve into grumbling, neighing, and negativity.
If you never give them the benefit of the doubt, you are probably going to be hard on them.
3) You refuse to cut any slack
The unfortunate truth is that none of us are perfect.
We fall short all the time.
Most of us are simply doing the best we can with the tools we have. And it’s true that sometimes, that just isn’t good enough.
But he’s also human.
Our parents are not provided with evidence. They mostly use what they learned on their own, along with applying the personal experience they gathered along the way.
Family members are bound to fail. When we struggle to accept imperfection, we can have unrealistic expectations for our family.
If you do nothing less, you may inadvertently become a demanding and ruthless individual.
4) You are known as the “difficult” person in the family
Of course, being the so-called outcast in the family does not mean that it is your fault.
You may be the only fair person in a difficult dynamic.
But if everyone except you gets along with each other, it’s worth considering why.
Do they make you feel like a stranger or have you turned yourself into someone else?
Have you ever:
Do you have tantrums?
Give people the silent treatment?
Use hurtful words or language?
Snap and lose patience?
Sometimes we are not aware of all the ways our behavior affects the people we love.
It’s important to remain open to feedback, especially from people who know us well. Be prepared to listen to their concerns.
Because if you feel so strongly that they are 100% the problem, chances are you may not fully acknowledge your role in the conflict.
5) You can’t see any ways you’re contributing to the problems
In your mind, there isn’t really a discussion about it. The problems in your family lie elsewhere, not with you.
This polarized way of doing things may mean that you simply don’t see blind spots.
