When people think of unconditional love, they tend to imagine positive images of caring mothers or lifelong friends. In these situations, relationships have a healthy bond based on qualities like trust, loyalty, and most of all: empathy for each other.

But not all unconditional love that is formed through bonding is healthy—when a narcissist becomes involved, that unconditional love becomes destructive and toxic.

Why do people stay in the cycle of abuse with narcissists?

Why can’t you leave?

Much of the answer lies in trauma bonding: creating an unconditional love that you don’t share with anyone else on the planet.

This is the string that keeps you from going to No Connection.

Why do people stay in abusive relationships with narcissists?
Trauma bonding is easy to recognize when you are on the outside looking in.

“Tell your abusive mother you don’t need her anymore,” she yells at the TV personality. “Get over it and find someone who appreciates you,” she says of the hero in the film.

We watch physical abuse from the sidelines and ask ourselves “why do people stay in abusive relationships” even when we are in emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships with narcissists ourselves.

We believe that no matter how toxic the relationship is, we cannot leave because we have already formed a strong emotional bond with this person. In many cases, this bond seems so strong that relationships with others — even close friends — pale in comparison.

It is very scary to watch a friend or family member suffer from painful bonding because the level of vulnerability and potential for danger is so high.

What is trauma bonding?

Narcissists thrive in fights for a number of reasons. First, you provide the narcissist with your undivided attention, emotional capacity, and energy — all of which fuels their addiction.

But the psychological effects run deeper than that. Although the narcissist may not objectively realize this, he instinctively knows that fighting brings you both closer.

This is known as “traumatic bonding”.

Now, painful bonding is not necessarily toxic.

Let’s say you and your friend go through a traumatic event together — such as another friend’s death or a chronic illness. You all come out of this hardship with a stronger bond, right?

For narcissists, trauma is just another tool that allows them to become involved with another person — both biologically and mentally.

The difference between the correlation between trauma and love addiction
Love addiction and painful bonding happen simultaneously so often that most people can’t tell the difference between them.

People with love addiction crave an emotional bond so badly that they are willing to put up with severe abuse and unhealthy situations – even for little reward.

Just like someone who struggles with substance abuse, someone with a love addiction ignores the personal boundaries they have set for others. They may create situations to get the attention of their abuser, feel needy and hopeless, and put up with anything to avoid loneliness.

You can share a painful bond with someone without feeling like you have to put up with their abuse. Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

Love addiction plays another big role.

How intermittent reinforcement keeps you hooked

Intermittent reinforcement is another dangerous tool the narcissist uses to exploit love addiction and cement painful bonding.

Studies show that when people receive a reward at consistent intervals, they begin to anticipate the reward and work less intensely. If people don’t know when a reward will appear, they tend to work harder (or should) in the hope of getting a reward.

Even in healthy relationships, people start to take each other for granted because of the constant reinforcement. In these cases, people communicate their feelings and work together to improve the situation.

But a narcissist does not process feelings and emotions in the same way. The narcissist uses your feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, and worthlessness as an opportunity to hold his or her affection hostage. It’s a carrot and stick approach.

You are confronting the narcissist because he hurt you. They ignore your feelings. By the end of the argument, you apologize to them. Then, for a fleeting moment, they also apologize and tell you how much they appreciate you.

This is your reward and it is completely devoid of any actual intent or real emotion – don’t buy it for a moment.

Trauma bonding is the chain that keeps you connected to the narcissist
The narcissist feeds on your need for approval and love while creating painful situations to force bonding.

In healthy relationships, people bond with each other through positive experiences. But the narcissist is different. For them, emotions exist to manipulate and control others.

This breaking point where the narcissist finally changes will never happen because they genuinely believe they are right. That’s why psychology experts admit that it’s almost impossible for narcissists to change — even through holistic therapy.

Keep in mind: the concepts of intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding, and love addiction take many forms and many narcissists will enter your life. Imagine your mother-in-law or mother whom you can never please no matter how hard you try. Think of a chair hanging over your head
How Trauma Bonding Perverts Your Sense of Normal Intimacy
When you rely on traumatic bonding to sustain a relationship with a narcissist, it changes how you perceive normal intimacy.

You may have opened yourself up to the narcissist more than you have to anyone else in your life. We say narcissistic things that we have never told anyone before. We kick the border to the curb. We make ourselves completely vulnerable and call it codependency.

It’s very powerful and at first, it feels really good.

Letting someone go through your phone is like building trust.

Who cares if your friends say it’s toxic behavior? Your relationship with the narcissist seems so interconnected that you wouldn’t share this intimacy with anyone else.