If you have one parent or had a narcissistic parent, chances are you have experienced triangulation.
During many of our arguments or even neutral discussions, my mother would randomly name people who were on her side or supposedly said things that supported her claims. Conveniently, no one is ever there to support her.
Her claims may range from a supposed expert who supports her artificial scientific truth or people who also, like her, think I am a bad, crazy, or corrupt person. She’s trying to show me that she knows a lot of people who agree or would agree with her, so she must be right. as always.
If your narcissistic parent often drops people’s names to support their argument, compares you to others to make you feel less than, or drags others – literally or verbally – into the relationship or situation between you and them, they are using triangulation.
This post will discuss what narcissistic triangulation is, its signs and examples, the effects it can have on you, and how to cope.
What is triangulation?
In psychology, triangulation is a term closely related to the work of Murray Bowen, a psychiatrist known for developing family systems theory.
Bowen believes that the emotional system between two people is often unstable. Under pressure, this two-person system will form itself into a three-person system—a triangle.
In this triangle, the third person can be used as a substitute for direct communication or as a messenger to communicate with the main person. Often, it is used to express dissatisfaction with the main person.
Although triangulation can apply to other relationships, it is most notoriously unhealthy and toxic in family dynamics. Due to the nature of this blog, this post will focus on the triangulation used by narcissistic or other toxic parents.
What is narcissistic triangulation?
People may use triangulation unknowingly. But at the hands of a narcissist, triangulation is often used intentionally as a tool of manipulation. A narcissist may use triangulation to heighten his feelings of superiority and protect his fragile ego.
Triangulation is an emotional manipulation technique often used by a narcissist to draw a third party into a situation, relationship, or conflict between the narcissist and another person.
In other words, your father may often involve someone else (say, your other parent, brother, family member, friend, literally anyone, or even anything) in everything that happens between you and your father.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist known for her discussions of narcissistic abuse and author of Don’t You Know Who I Am? Narcissistic triangulation is called the “psychological triad you didn’t agree with.”
The narcissist may use triangulation as a way to change the dynamic of an argument or the geometry of a rivalry. Or they may use it to control the flow, interpretation, and differences of communication between two people or groups of people.
The purpose of triangulation
As with their other manipulative and abusive tactics, the narcissistic parent will often use triangulation as a way to gain some type of control or power over you or another person.
Narcissists may use triangulation to:
It distracts you or others from the real issue or argument
Weighting the arguments in their favor
Reinforce their false sense of right or superiority
Distract the tension from the argument to the third party
Divide people for control or power
Triangulation is often used to “divide and conquer” – playing people against each other. The narcissist will often bring a third person into the mix to remain controlling or right-handed. There is limited or no contact between the two trigonometric people except through the narcissist.
Signs and examples of triangulation by narcissistic parents
Triangulation always involves drawing a third person into a dynamic, situation, or relationship between two people. It also usually involves communication or lack thereof. During triangulation, communication is used as a means of control and misinformation.
When triangulated, nothing and nobody is off limits. A narcissist may trinity a pet, a celebrity, or perhaps even something, just to prove themselves right or to maintain control.
The following are common signs and examples of triangulation by narcissistic parents.
Showing favoritism or comparing you to someone else who is “better”
“Your sister is much better than you.”
“Why can’t you be more like your friend?”
“If only you were as smart as your cousin.”
Your narcissistic parent may show favoritism towards your brother or cousin. Or they may compare you to someone they consider “better” than you.
They want you to feel like you have to compete for their attention, respect, and/or admiration. This is also commonly reflected in the golden child and scapegoat dynamic between the siblings.
Using another person to manipulate you
A narcissistic parent may insert another person — literally or verbally — into the dynamic to pressure you into doing things you wouldn’t do otherwise. And they can do that in several ways.
For example, they may introduce you to someone in a particular field to “encourage” you to pursue a particular career. Or they can simply claim, “Your partner wants you to do this” to make you feel guilty for doing something.
Name the people who are supposed to be on their side
During an argument, argument, or any type of conflict with a narcissistic parent, they may randomly drop the names of people they claim to agree with or take their side. Often, the person they call is not there to back up their claims.
“Your teacher said you were a troublemaker.”
“My therapist agrees that you are the problem.”
“People always tell me what a great mom I am and how horrible a son you can be.”
This is often done to reinforce the narcissist’s belief that they are always right. They make it seem like you are outnumbered so you have no choice but to disengage. And when it does, it makes them feel like they’ve “won,” which satisfies their constant need to feel entitled and superior.
Spreading rumors to create drama and conflict
Narcissists thrive on chaos among others, so they love to create drama. They may use triangulation to create conflict between others just so they can witness the ensuing drama.
They can do this by manipulating two people who conflict with each other. Or they may spread rumors about one another or distort facts to mislead.
“I saw your friend with another girl last week.”
“I saw your brother in your room earlier even though you made it off limits.”
“Your father doesn’t care about you.”
Claiming that someone said something about you
Your narcissistic parent might pass on stories about people who were allegedly gossiping about you. They do this to make you feel insecure and suspicious.
Similar to the previous point, this sign also puts you in conflict with another person. But on top of that, it also lowers your self-esteem by making you feel that others also see you in a negative light.
“Your aunts used to ask me how I gained so much weight.”
“My friend was telling me how rude I was.”
“Your mother told me you were stupid.”
This type of triangulation sends you the message that you are all the negative things your narcissistic parent claims you are. It also reinforces your negative self-image and self-talk. If all these people are saying something about you, then it must be true, right?
Other signs of triangulation
All of the above signs show that your narcissistic parent is drawing a third person into his relationship or situation with you. But it is also possible that you were the third person to be drawn into his or her situation or relationship with another person, most commonly with your father or another sibling.
For example:
Using you as a messenger to communicate with your significant other or someone else so your narcissistic parent doesn’t have to.
Comparing another person to you makes them feel less than you and possibly upset you or hurt your relationship.
Spreading rumors about you or claiming that you said something about someone else to make that person doubt themselves or hurt your relationship with them.
Telling you something negative about someone else to take sides. or make you choose a side, preferably his own, in a dispute or dispute in which you are not involved.
Using you to avoid spending time with a spouse or partner, either as an excuse or as an alternative.
In general, there are many different methods a narcissist might use to triplicate, whether you are the target or the third party they are being drawn to. Unfortunately, it can leave some harmful effects.
Effects of narcissistic triangulation
Like all other narcissistic abuse tactics, triangulation can make you doubt yourself and your relationships with others. And even if it’s not done to you directly, when it’s triangulated without you knowing, it can damage your relationships without you understanding why or how.
Many of the effects of narcissistic triangulation are also the same as those of other forms of emotional abuse, including:
Feeling confused, misunderstood, and inadequate
Fear of what others think of you
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Self-doubt
Suspicious of relationships with triangular people
Relationship problems and conflicts
The feeling of instability and insecurity
Feeling the need to stand up for yourself or confront the people involved
A damaged reputation because other people think things about you are not true
Damaged or ended relationships
Anxiety, depression, and other mental conditions
Developmental or behavioral issues in children
How to deal with triangulation
Dealing with narcissistic triangulation can be frustrating, confusing, and upsetting. But once you get the hang of it, it’s possible to learn how to deal with it.
Get to know their tactics
The only way to be able to deal with triangulation is to recognize when it occurs. It may be difficult at the moment, but whenever you feel negative after interacting with your parents, take a step back and assess the situation.
Whether it’s triangulation, other manipulation, or an abusive tactic, remind yourself that your dad is most likely trying to get you out of it.
Realize that you are in control of yourself
When you hear something surprising or anything at all from your parents, try not to react or react, at least not right away. Try not to lose control of your feelings even if you feel overwhelmed because if you do, it just means they got to you.
Know that you can’t control your father or the people you triangle with. Only you can control what you do, including how you react and respond.
Also, note the role you may have played in triangulating your parents. There may have been times when I was aware of the dynamic. You can’t control whether they drag your name into the situation. But you can control whether you participate in it.
Be skeptical of what they say
It is almost a rule of thumb that you should never trust a narcissist.
You probably know that what your father says cannot be relied upon. So take everything they say with a grain of salt, especially if you feel a certain way afterward. Again, take a step back and evaluate.
Just because they said someone said something about you doesn’t mean it’s true. They could have intentionally misinterpreted what the person said, overstated it, or outright lied.
Even if your father is telling the truth, it is also very likely that your father said something about you first to prompt the other person to say something about you. Either way, don’t believe everything you hear, especially when it comes from them.
For example, I bet most, if not all, of the people my mother claimed to have criticized me probably didn’t say anything bad about me. Or perhaps she deliberately slurred their words or said something first to elicit such a response. In the end, it doesn’t matter what they said or didn’t say. It’s the fact that she feels the need to tell me at all and that’s because she just wants to hurt me.
Communicates
Communication is key to relationships. If everyone involved simply sat down and talked about things, triangulation would be useless.
The whole point of triangulation is to use this lack of communication between people to manipulate them. So if you communicate properly and directly, it can nip this type of abuse in the bud.
If and when your narcissistic parent mentions something someone supposedly said about you, clarify it with that person first before responding or responding in haste.
Don’t believe something just because someone tells you, especially if it comes from a manipulative person. Always state the facts first. Go to the source – the person the manipulator is supposedly quoting – before jumping to conclusions.
Of course, this can only work if everyone involved is interested in hooking up or if you are close enough to the person to hit it off. Much easier said than done because narcissists are adept at manipulating people and pitting them against one another.
Ultimately, you can’t force people to communicate if they don’t want to. If people want to trust a narcissist on you, it’s not on you.
Ask for support
Narcissistic triangulation can severely affect your self-esteem and emotional well-being. So it’s best to have a support network in place.
They could be friends, other family members outside of your parents, or a professional who can help you deal with the situation with your parents and stay emotionally healthy. You can contact a certified therapist here.
As I’ve mentioned time and time again, the support network is invaluable. But it can still be a problem because the narcissist may stir up conflict between you and the people you care about, hoping to sabotage those relationships.
And as long as you stay connected and connect with your support network, you and them can remain safe from triangulation and other tactics a narcissist might use to try and sabotage the relationship.
