This post consists of some common narcissistic abuse tactics by narcissistic parents and their effects on their children.
Having personally experienced these abuse tactics from my narcissistic mother, I can attest to how they have dramatically shaped who I am and how I interact and see the world.
When I think of the root cause of all my problems, the abuse I endured growing up is the root cause.
Every tactic of abuse or manipulation that a narcissist inflicts on you leaves a harmful trail affecting who you are, how you feel, and how you live your life.
This damage can be particularly impactful when the abuse began at a young age and came from your parents.
However, although there are many signs and symptoms common to victims of narcissistic abuse, everyone is different. However, I hope this post gives you insight into how the abuse you faced has shaped you into who you are today.
Subtle & Deniable Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is often subtle. It may be so well convincing that others who hear and see the same behaviors you fail to recognize as abuse.
The narcissist is great at creating a specific facade for the public world. They turn out to be charming to other people but are cold when alone. They can be very secretive about when and how they engage in their abuse.
effects
It’s hard to explain what’s so bad about your narcissistic parent when they have such a carefully crafted facade that they project to the outside world.
So when you mention their abuse, you may be met with skepticism, criticism, or counterproductive advice.
This may make you wonder if you have a right to feel the way you do, reinforcing the belief that maybe it is your problem.
Because of the backlash, you may have a hard time opening up to people for fear that you will be met with a similar backlash.
- Competition and One-Ups
Narcissists are very competitive. Anything you do, they can do better. This also includes negative individual processes about things like illness or suffering. This is so that they can continue to care for them.
Also, any time you get something nice, he might be angry or envious. This may be evident when they like something. Then, they will try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better thing for themselves.
Once you begin to thrive, your narcissistic parent may feel threatened, criticize, and compete with you. They may try to prevent the occasion from happening or they will try to steal the limelight.
And when someone compliments your accomplishments, your narcissistic parent may immediately jump in to claim credit or divert attention to himself.
effects
You may not care about your achievements or what you get anymore. Or you may start keeping it to yourself for fear that your father will take credit, spoil it, or take it from you.
You may think that what you’ve accomplished isn’t an accomplishment because your dad could do the same or better. Or you may think that you are only capable because of their help or good genes.
Given how competitive your dad can be, you might give up on trying because they’ll beat you anyway.
- Defamation campaigns
A defamation campaign is an attempt to damage or discredit someone’s reputation.
When a narcissist can no longer control the way you see yourself, he begins to control how others see you.
They will gossip about you, slander you, and create stories that portray you as the bad guy while playing the victim.
More often than not, they change what you said or did rather than make something up completely. And when you act negatively, they will use your response to support those lies.
If the narcissist has recently done something horrible, they may lie upfront to diminish what you might say before you say it. That way, when you talk about what they did, your “I already know” will drop off.
They may even deliberately abuse you so that they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the “victims” of your abuse.
effects
Your reputation may be irreparably damaged and there may not be anything you can do about it.
You may have a hard time finding friends, acquaintances, or people in your class because the narcissist has colored them all in.
You may feel very isolated and lonely, and again, ask if you are crazy.
In the worst-case scenario, you could lose your job, get arrested, or suffer some “bad luck” because of a narcissistic smear campaign.
- Create conflict and drama
Narcissists love the excitement and drama they create by meddling in other people’s lives.
This is especially true with their children because they are easier to manipulate. Watching people’s lives explode is fun for them.
They may create conflict out of the blue or constantly disagree with you about unrelated things only to get angry over any “slight” that comes from you.
They thrive on drama, so whenever you try to make a point that contradicts even a little bit their ridiculous claims, you give them ammunition.
With all the drama and conflict, you can often feel emotionally drained when interacting with your parents. You are also likely to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and frustrated with all the problems in your life that seem to come out of nowhere.
You never feel right and you always feel like something is going to happen. And you feel that things can never be “normal” or calm when your parents are involved.
- Revocation
Narcissistic parents judge, ignore, criticize, and disapprove of almost anything about you and what you do. They can have no appreciation or respect for how you feel or for the things you do for them.
They belittle, dismiss, ignore, belittle, or outright ignore your feelings, wants, needs, opinions, ideas, experiences, and cries for help.
Your parent may also use blanket statements, generalizations, or labels to ignore your point of view, remove nuances in what you say and draw their conclusions.
When you try to discuss your feelings, they may laugh at you or try to beat you up with their feelings.
Or when something big happens in your life, like an accident, illness, or divorce, they only think about how it affects them instead of how it affects you.
You are not sad.
Stop being a kid.
You are always very sensitive
You are never satisfied.
How do you get sick at a time like this?
effects
You always feel a lack of emotional closeness with your dad, and you constantly wonder if he loves you or even loves you.
Due to a lack of response to or understanding of your needs throughout your childhood, you may have trouble adequately expressing or communicating your needs and wants to people in your current relationships.
Not getting your needs met can leave you feeling resentful or dissatisfied in these relationships. Or you may see your own needs as a burden to others. Therefore, you may be tempted to bury it and reduce it. You might even hate them.
You may be tempted to pretend that you’re okay even when you’re not because you’ve learned that your needs and feelings don’t matter. And expressing it may lead to punishing you or hurting you more because of it.
Every suppression of your needs and feelings can leave you feeling emotionally numb. It may also manifest in depression or other mood disorders.
- Exploitation
Narcissists take advantage and use people to serve their gains and ambitions. All they know is that they want what they want and they will do anything to get it.
If your father has ever done something for you, he will always remind you to get some kind of repayment. If they ever agreed with you, it will be broken once it no longer serves their needs.
Sometimes a narcissistic parent may take advantage of a child to absorb the punishment that might be punishment from an abusive partner. They can also use the child to maintain a toxic marriage.
You may often make sacrifices for everyone because that’s what you used to do for your father.
You are probably a flatterer, doing it for acceptance, approval, validation, or love, or doing it out of fear of upsetting the other person.
- Gaslighting, lying, and denial
Gaslighting distorts and undermines your sense of reality. It leaves you second-guessing and questioning yourself, your reality, your judgment, your perceptions, your memories, or your experiences.
When you disagree with your father or confront him about something they did, they rewrite reality.
They tell you that you didn’t see what you saw, what you went through didn’t happen, and what you call real is just your imagination.
They may imply or explicitly tell you that you are unstable, hypersensitive, imaginative, hysterical, unreasonable, overreacting, irrational, neurotic, and/or psychotic.
They will blatantly lie to your face about what they did. And if you try to jog their memory, they will ignore it, pretend that you remember it wrong, or somehow make it your fault.
effects
Since narcissists often lie, which you may realize after you catch them a few times, you may have trouble trusting everything they say.
But unfortunately, on the other hand, you may also have trouble trusting yourself. Gaslighting makes you start to doubt yourself and takes away from your ability to trust yourself.
When a narcissist puts the spotlight on you, you may be tempted to put the spotlight on yourself as a way to fix the cognitive dissonance you might be experiencing: Are they right, or can I trust what I’ve experienced? Then you start to distrust your feelings and beliefs.
This can develop into a crippling self-doubt that persists throughout your childhood and into your present life.
- Projection
Projection is a defense mechanism that replaces responsibility for negative behavior and traits by associating them with another person.
Your narcissistic parent may press charges against you about the things they do. Or they call you names or describe you in ways that describe themselves.
They project their bad behavior, personality, and traits onto you so that they can deny it themselves and punish you for it. That way, the focus stays on your “flaws” rather than theirs.
Because of the way the narcissist trains you to believe everything they tell you, you may not question their expectations. Instead, you may see them as a testament to your identity and begin to worry about why you are the way you are.
- Blame shifting and scapegoating
Avoiding accountability | Narcissistic Traits and Influences | panda hope
It is typical for narcissists to avoid responsibility no matter what.
When asked a question or called out for a lie or offensive behavior, your parent may deflect the conversation back to you, change the subject, or give a vague, meaningless answer instead.
Therefore, they often admonish. They will blame anyone and anything before they even think about looking at themselves. Nothing could be their fault.
Scapegoating is a form of blame-shifting. It is when a narcissist chooses someone to blame for all of their problems, actions, and feelings.
If something goes wrong, it will be the scapegoat’s fault no matter what. They will blame the scapegoat for their depression, lack of success, or the incompleteness of their lives. And they always blame them for the offense.
You made me do it
You made me angry.
I would have been successful without you.
If you are the scapegoat of the family, you may be tempted to automatically apologize for things that are not your fault and to constantly engage in self-blame.
You may blame yourself for what is missing in your life or for being unhappy.
You’re probably conditioned to put your defenses up as soon as anything goes wrong, even ones beyond your control because you were so used to always being the one at fault.
You may be very defensive when someone approaches you with a question or comment that may sound like an attack.
Since you are continually attacked by the narcissist, it makes sense that they would see almost anything as a potential threat now because that is how it used to be with them.
- Triangulation
Triangulation is often used as a way for narcissists to act as a messenger between you and others.
Narcissists often use other people’s “opinions” or “comments” to validate their point of view while invalidating yours.
The narcissist will respond to what other people are supposed to say about you or them. Meanwhile, these “reports” are often lies, exaggerations, or misrepresentations of the truth initiated by the narcissist.
Such and such agrees with me.
They told me you are crazy.
Everyone told me I was right.
effects
Narcissists use triangulation to misrepresent themselves as a desirable person who many people support.
It leaves you questioning your feelings and experiences because if all these people are on their side, then maybe it’s your problem.
Since it is a form of gaslighting, it leaves you doubting yourself and indecisive about your feelings and experiences.
- Paternity
Parenting is the process of role reversal between parent and child.
As soon as possible, your narcissistic parent will abandon his responsibilities and let you fend for yourself. They may have given you tasks that were theirs and were not meant to be given to a child.
Perhaps your father made you responsible for his well-being, emotions, and needs. Meanwhile, you are not allowed to have your own needs.
You may feel responsible for the physical and emotional health of your parents, siblings, and siblings because you were forced into adulthood at such a young age.
You are unable to live your own life or create goals that do not meet the needs of your parents.
This may have continued into adulthood as you constantly put the needs of others before your own.
- Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail aims to evoke feelings of fear, guilt, and compliance. It includes anything done or reported to you that may appear threatening or intimidating.
The narcissist’s threats may be subtle or blatant. But they are used to controlling you or terrorizing and subjugating you.
They always keep you on edge and always feel the need to please them just to avoid the consequences of defying them.
Narcissists also often use “love” as a tool of manipulation. He only “loved” you when you did what they wanted. But if you don’t, they will punish you or withhold affection from you.
Narcissists may also withhold things like money or connections to further manipulate you and maintain control over you.
effects
She often walks on eggshells, always afraid of taking the wrong step that could herald a negative reaction or punishment.
This may continue into adulthood when you feel the constant need to please everyone.
I also learned that you are loved for what you do. Therefore, you may think that you have to win the love and approval of others by doing what they want.
It also explains why people please you or why you’re afraid to say no.
- Pity dramas and guilt trips
When you refuse to do something your parents want or agree to, they may play the victim or engage in self-pitying drama.
They whined and whined that no one liked them or that everyone was too selfish. They may even threaten to kill themselves just to get what they want.
This is also a form of guilt-tripping, making you feel bad so they can make you do whatever you want. This also removes your boundaries, making it easier for you to manipulate them.
After all, I’ve done for you, this is how you’re going to pay me?
I will not live forever. You will regret treating me one day.
no one cares about me. I might die as well.
effects
You may feel a lot of guilt or shame when a narcissist guilt-trips you or engages in self-pitying drama. So you might give in to their whims and delusions when it happens because you feel bad.
You may also feel a lot of guilt in general, feeling like you owe them anything they gave you (because they would never let you forget it).
Even as an adult, you may feel guilty when you want to set boundaries or when you say no to everything he asks of you.
- Boundary Violations
With narcissists, their wants and needs are always the priority, even if they claim they are not. Therefore, they have little respect for your boundaries, space, possessions, or desires.
They ask nosy questions, snoop on your stuff, and often do things that go against your stated desires. You probably have no idea what any kind of privacy or personal space is like.
Narcissistic parents make you feel like an extension of them.
They give away your items without your consent, even in front of you. They try to control your choices whenever they can, voice your opinions, and make decisions for you.
They treat you as if you are unable to make up your mind. Any attempts at autonomy are fiercely resisted or even punished.
And when you set boundaries, they will constantly try to see what boundaries they can cross. The more violations they can commit without consequences, the more pressure they will have.
You probably have trouble setting boundaries because you’re so used to being ignored or challenged (or you don’t even know what they are or how to set them in the first place). Or you may have given it up entirely.
You may not have anything that feels like yours because you have learned that nothing is safe and nothing is yours. I have learned that anything can be taken from you at any moment.
With this mindset, you may have attachment or trust issues.
You are also likely to struggle with having a voice of your own and find it difficult to be yourself, not feeling your own person.
Your potentially involved relationship with your parents may extend into your future relationships where you may be very codependent or codependent.
You may also often struggle with indecision or dependency, fear doing things on your own, or feel like you might fail if you do.
- Solitude
Narcissists destroy your relationships and other forms of social connections so that you remain isolated. People are more vulnerable and easier to manipulate, control, and abuse when they are alone.
Once all of your relationships are destroyed and you are isolated, your father can have complete power and control over you.
The narcissistic parent may also try to discourage you from working or going to school so that you can continue to depend on them.
Your friends are bad for you. You are better than them.
I don’t need to work. I can take care of you.
Your husband is not treating you well.
The narcissist may have caused tensions in your relationships or even successfully damaged or destroyed them. You may become isolated or you already are.
You may even push or alienate people on your own because you don’t think you deserve to be liked or maybe the other person deserves or can do better than you.
Because of the isolation, you may feel a daily sense of emptiness and sadness.
You may take it personally and think you are unlovable, unwanted, or difficult to be with when the narcissist created all of these problems.
- Revenge and petty sums
When you do something “wrong” or against your parents’ will – even in the slightest way – they will make sure to get even.
This may be complete revenge or so subtle that it is very trivial.
effects
You never know if you did something to get rid of the narcissist that would reap the rewards.
As a result, you feel like you always have to walk on eggshells or constantly try to please them just so you don’t get on their bad side, even if you didn’t intend to.
Everything a narcissist has done to you is not an accident. They carefully chart ways to achieve equality. But they can implement it in such a way that it looks like an accident or an innocent mistake to other people.
Therefore, you may be hypersensitive and interpret certain situations as someone getting along with you when it is simply a coincidence or misinterpretation on your part.
- Personification
Narcissists tend to treat their victims as a tool for their purposes. This is no different for narcissistic parents.
A narcissist may simply harm his child to please him. Or they could use their children to gain sympathy, money, or special treatment.
effects
Objectification of the victim Dehumanization of the victim. You can also treat yourself the same way.
You may not think of yourself as a person with feelings and values. Instead, you may think that your goal is to take care of other people or to please your parents.
- The Golden Child and the Black Sheep
Narcissists try to divide people into groups. This is to isolate and weaken certain individuals, and to give the narcissist a sense of power and control.
Therefore, narcissists love to play favorites and pit their children against each other.
If they have multiple children, one (or more) can be considered the golden child who can do no wrong showering the parent with privileges. Meanwhile, the other(s) is the family’s scapegoat or black sheep – the one who is always at fault.
This causes a division among the children as Scapegoat hates the Golden Child. The narcissistic parent will widen this dichotomy with very obvious lies and nepotism.
The golden child will stand up for the parent and continue to mistreat him indirectly by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat. They may even take the role of the abuser directly so the parent doesn’t have to do it.
You may have strained or distant relationships with siblings or other people in the narcissist’s family. And if you are the black sheep, instead of blaming the narcissist for this dichotomy, other people may blame you instead.
- Assimilation, devaluation, hoover
Narcissists may initially put you in the stage of idealization or love bombing to impress you. They make you feel special, and shower you with compliments, affection, and gifts.
During this phase, reversal may also occur.
Mirroring gives you the illusion that your father is just like you, that you are perfect. But then comes devaluation and they start criticizing the things they once liked.
And as soon as you want to leave them or claim you’re done with them, they’ll start squirming—trying to hook you back up with acts of kindness, fake regrets, and empty promises that they’ll change. And once you come back, it repeats itself.
These stages are known as the narcissistic cycle of abuse. Although it usually applies to romantic relationships, it can also apply to the parent-child relationship, which often includes the golden child.
effects
Narcissists manipulate your emotions to keep you off center and off balance. They put you through this cycle to keep you under their control.
This cycle of abuse also makes it difficult to accept that they are offensive because of the “good” parts.
You may have fallen in love with them over and over again, hoping they would change or thinking that this time it would be different.
Their unpredictability also makes it very difficult to anticipate what comes next.
You may have a hard time letting your guard down because you don’t know if they are going to attack you or surprise you with a gift.
- Verbal abuse
Verbal abuse can be subtle or blatant.
Narcissistic parents may not always tell you that you are unfit. Alternatively, when you tell them something you did well, they may ignore it, claim your brother did it better, or ignore you.
Examples of subtle verbal abuse are compliments, jokes, indirect comments, sarcasm, questions, or insults that are dressed up as concerns, expressions of love, thought, or gifts.
I just want to help you.
You look like you are 20 years old. I’m just kidding!
You said you were fat for your good.
With subtle verbal abuse, narcissistic parents can get away with saying hurtful things while maintaining an innocent demeanor. And if you feel angry or hurt, you are hypersensitive or hypertensive.
The most egregious forms of verbal abuse are insults, disparagement, shame, laughter, criticism, humiliation, sarcasm, belittling, ridicule, and ostracism.
They may constantly humiliate, criticize, and shame you just to tear you down and lower your self-esteem.
You are an idiot.
I’ve never met a stupid person like you.
You will never reach anything.
Nobody will ever love you
effects
A narcissist makes you doubt and hate yourself. You become insecure, overly sensitive, shy, and self-deprecating, which may cause you to engage in self-defeating behaviors.
All of the criticisms, insults, and insults that your father has thrown at you are subconsciously programmed into your mind, developing into self-loathing, negative self-talk, and a negative self-image.
You will probably start to take offense at yourself.
Negative thoughts and feelings about yourself will likely remain throughout your life. You may find yourself overly sensitive or easily aroused by any form of criticism you encounter.
- Pushing buttons
Your narcissistic parent may knowingly exploit your wounds and vulnerabilities only to hurt you. They may tease you or tease you about things they know you are sensitive about just to annoy you.
If you are proud of something, they will shame that particular thing to lower your sense of self and destroy your confidence.
They may even shame you about any abuse or injustice you have suffered to cause you to be traumatized again.
And if you complain about being mistreated, the narcissist may take the other person’s side even if they don’t know it. This is to let you know that you are never right.
You can belittle the bad things that have happened to you or are happening to you. You may have trouble opening up or being vulnerable for fear of being used against you like you did before.
This may cause you to hold a lot of your feelings and fears inside which can turn into a mental disorder.
- Setting up to fail
Your narcissistic parent may deliberately make you a failure just to use it as a reason to denigrate, blame, or criticize you.
They can also somehow turn your thoughts, opinions, emotions, and experiences into character flaws and evidence of irrationality. Or they may intentionally do something to make you react negatively, only to mock or insult you for it.
Narcissists often “move the goalposts” to ensure that they can be constantly dissatisfied with you. The things you do are never enough or are never right.
Whatever you say or do may be met with condescension, denial, and accusations, even if you are an expert on the subject.
And even when you’ve done everything you can, they’ll ask for more or focus too hard on the one thing you did wrong.
In this way, they can divert you from your strengths and entice you to obsess over the bug instead.
effects
By raising expectations higher and higher each time or switching them up altogether, a narcissist can constantly make you feel worthless and never enough.
You may find yourself constantly trying to win their love, attention, and approval, but you can never be able to satisfy them.
You may be an overachiever or a perfectionist who cannot tolerate any flaws or mistakes. Just one mistake can make you feel like a total failure.
You may lack confidence regardless of your accomplishments, not seeing them as such.
Successes and accomplishments may be downplayed or ignored and you may not give yourself credit when it is due.
You may be afraid of success and begin to engage in self-defeating patterns and behaviors to sabotage yourself.
- Comparison
Narcissists will often compare you to another person to make you jealous or to make you feel less than you. However, they usually do not say outright that they think someone else is better. They will leave the contrast up to you.
This way, they can tell you that you are not good enough or that you are not important without even having to say it.
They’ll talk about how amazing someone else is, how thoughtful they are, or what a great job they’ve done at something you’ve done too.
They might also mention how they enjoyed doing something with someone else — something they did with you, too.
Or they will show you that their relationship with other people is great in a way that your relationship with them is not.
With how often a narcissist compares you to other people, you can also get caught up in comparing yourself more often. When you do, you may find yourself lacking or wishing you had what others have.
You may feel unworthy, unloved, and unacceptable. You may have low self-esteem and often feel insecure about who you are, always feeling like you are not worthy or good enough.
Also, you may find yourself always trying to prove yourself to others. You may end up being very competitive or jealous of others because of this.
- Childish tantrums
When things don’t go their way, narcissists resort to childish behavior. They may act like they can’t hear you, lose their temper, or throw a tantrum.
They may throw things, yell, scream, stomp, lunge, or treat you silently.
If you try to stop their childish behavior, they will justify it by pointing out something you did that they feel is comparable, even if you did it when you were an actual child.
effects
You may find yourself giving in to your parents’ demands whenever they throw a tantrum. Or again, you can even try to please them constantly or give in to their every whim to prevent a potential tantrum.
- Darvo
DARVO stands for Denial Attack and Opposite Victim and Offender.
When you confront your narcissistic parent about his harmful or abusive behavior, he will deny it or minimize it. Then they attack you by making counteraccusations or claiming that you are lying.
Finally, they’ll reverse roles, making you look like you’re the aggressor or perpetrator while they’re the victim.
effects
DARVO is a form of blame-shifting and gaslighting. It leaves you guessing and questioning your experiences and your reality. You may be wondering if that might be the problem.
DARVO can also make others question or doubt your credibility. Others may take the side of the abuser. As a result, it can be difficult to find support, or even worse, like a smear campaign, it can damage your reputation and cause real negative consequences.
- Physical abuse
Narcissists are often abused in more subtle and subtle ways. This is why it can be difficult to explain to others what is bad about them. Therefore, physical abuse is less common.
Also, the narcissistic parent may not physically harm you.
They may do this in subtle, deniable ways such as intentionally allowing you to endure physical pain or failing to protect you when a normal parent would make an effort to help.
Maybe they left you hungry because you “eat too much.” Or you have to go to school sick because “you’re not sick, you’re just trying to get out of school.”
However, there are times when it explodes and may become violent. And when they do, they may beat you, lock you up, or put you outdoors in bad weather.
You may have been physically punished for made-up crimes they insisted on committing.
Or maybe they just randomly lash out at you anytime they got stressed, angry, or felt like life was unfair because it was easier and it made them feel better about getting rid of you and hurting you instead.
You’re always upset and always worried that you’re going to say or do something wrong that will lead to hitting or physical punishment of some kind, even in adulthood.
You may be hypersensitive to certain sounds, movements, intonations, or facial expressions because they are used to signal impending “discipline.”
Conclusion
Many of the abuse tactics described here may also fall under the scope of emotional or psychological abuse.
However, it is the unpredictability, ingenuity, and drive of the abuser to maintain his or her false sense of superiority using these tactics that make them narcissistic abuse tactics.
