Getting back into dating after a train wreck relationship with a narcissist sucks.
If you haven’t done any self-work, there is horrible doubt and insecurity. Still, under the impression that you’re an ugly, evil, heartless witch, you vow to “reform” yourself to ensure that the next guy you meet will fall in love with you. Intent on addressing all of your supposed flaws, you sign up for newsletters from all the leading dating and relationship experts.
Then you make a mental checklist of all the things the assistant said were wrong with you:
Weight loss
Try a new hairstyle / new color
Get rid of the wardrobe and dress sexier
Stop feeling insecure
Stop being a whore
Stop being greedy
Get two or three more jobs
Don’t ask about other women’s contact
Do not ask questions about unexcused absences
Drop all the people in the social circle
Shut up and take it
Stop having an identity
He stopped breathing
Before you consider gastric bypass and face transplant surgery, please pause for a moment…
Have you forgotten who you are?
Don’t you remember how the angels sang the day you were born?
That your heart is filled with the white light of love and mercy?
To have people who love everything about you just as much as you do?
You matter.
You … without changing your essence.
without changing your appearance.
With all your strengths and weaknesses.
Are there things you might work on in your next relationship? maybe.
Relationships in which control and insecurity are the underlying dynamics do not fulfill or succeed. If you tend to be flattered consistently or are clingy, insecure, and/or jealous, there is room for improvement. Especially when these traits have been exaggerated by the narcissist.
However, this does not mean that you should turn a blind eye to things like:
Unexplained absences
their relationship with another person
Constant phone calls from your ex
Off-color comments about your appearance
Attacks on your character
Their refusal to communicate
They expect you to accept things they know you find unacceptable
He lies
Cruelty
There is a difference between allowing another person their space and being abused. You must not violate your code of ethics to gain another person’s approval. However, if dealing with your insecurities is something you might benefit from, make plans to do so. Not because you want someone else to accept you, but so that you can accept yourself. Security is not found in attachments to anyone or anything outside of ourselves.
