Ted is married to Marcy but has wanted to break it up for some time. He doesn’t think they are compatible, so after several years of treating her inappropriately, he moves out.

Although he does not want her as a wife, he allows her to stay in the marital dwelling while he moves into a new apartment. In less than a month, he moved on to a new girlfriend.

However, the relationship does not last and he has a series of short-term relationships with several women. When one of these relationships ends, he is so tormented by loneliness that he turns to Marcy until someone more suitable comes along. All the while, he keeps giving Marcie hints that they will eventually reconcile and he will move back into the family home.

Marcy’s reaction was to put her life on hold and be constantly ready for him.

Ted is a narcissist. As such, he constantly engages in ill-faith actions with Marcie, keeping her stuck in life. Ted doesn’t see it that way because he lets her stay at their home, citing it as a sign of his generosity. However, if he cared for Marcy, he would provide for her in a way that would not keep her bound to him—perhaps with a generous divorce settlement or a deed to a house in town. Instead, he selfishly refuses to let her go – keeping her on hold as backup and insurance against loneliness.

According to Wikipedia, bad faith is “double-minded or double-hearted in duplicity, fraud, or deceit. It often involves the deliberate deception of others. It equates to a sustained form of deception which consists in amused or pretending to entertain one’s set of feelings, and acting as if It was influenced by another group, and is synonymous with treachery, double-dealing, hypocrisy, betrayal, breach of contract, betrayal, tartuffery (display or expression of feelings or beliefs one does not have or possess), bigotry, and talkativeness.”

Narcissists are among the most manipulative personalities. They use ill-intentioned tactics to accomplish two things simultaneously: 1) hide their true intentions, and 2) invite you into believing they have doubts or are in the middle of a crisis when, in fact, they are keeping you on hold because they have alternatives they want to explore.

Therefore, they resist making permanent decisions, such as breaking up completely from a previously stable relationship, because doing so isolates them from the possibilities. Choosing a partner means giving up control over others, and at the same time giving up something certain, like Marcy’s case.

The more boundaries Ted encounters, the more he confronts the compromise of his privacy, his unlimited potential, and freedom from the dynamics of a normal mutual love relationship.

Does this sound familiar? Are you the recipient of bad faith tactics, insuring someone against loneliness? Recognizing and resisting these schemas are the keys to personal empowerment.

4 Bad faith tactics used by narcissists:

1. Excuse/Justification Making – When narcissists make excuses for their behavior, they know what they are doing. They just created a facade to justify their unacceptable actions. Things that everyone would consider wrong. But even though they knew it was wrong, and that their reputation could suffer, they were still determined to do it. They think they’re justified, going so far as to try to get people on their “team”; They challenge the standards they know society wants them to live up to.

More importantly, they also try to engage you; Their only problem is your perception of their behavior. Narcissists prefer this type of tactic over an outright challenge because not only does it help hide their true intentions, but it at once helps them maintain a more positive social image, and encourages submission and acceptance.

2. Torn Between Two Lovers – Did your narcissistic partner give a convincing rendition of how you pushed him into the arms of another lover, then pretended he was so “hooked” on you that he couldn’t leave you alone?

Reality – they don’t have the new supply hooked up yet. So, while they are with the other person, narcissists give their best shot: love bombing, great sex, fancy trips, gifts, and bringing the new show to their circle of friends.

Even though they think they’re still hooked on you, they tell everyone they know it’s over between you two and slowly sneak away their new supply. Once the new partner becomes emotionally dependent on the narcissist, you will likely become the “other lover.”

Or maybe the new offering doesn’t meet all their needs, so they keep you on the sidelines to buy what the new person is missing. Either way, they make you a surrogate and insurance against loneliness.

3. False remorse is a good part of any skilled narcissist’s behavioral toolkit. However, this bad faith tactic is usually used during smash attempts. As they fly, they pull out all the stops, showing unprecedented remorse about how much they’ve hurt you (maybe holding back a tear or two). This can sound quite convincing, especially to altruistic and empathetic types.

So how do you find out if a narcissist is feeling real remorse, versus false remorse? Research on the topic indicates that signs of false remorse include:

Greater range of emotional expressions
He swings from one emotion to another very quickly
occur frequently

What does this look like in the case of a narcissist?

Going from ‘remorse’ and/or kindness to cruelty and vulgarity – eg: getting a message they regret and when you don’t reply we immediately pretend you’re a loser, a piece of shit, rubbish
You stumble and mumble when you ask for an explanation for something they did – ex: You: “Why did you tell me you didn’t see that girl from the office when you saw the two of you together?” Narcissist: “Well, look… well, she just had a death in the family and… well, I was just… trying to make her feel better. Maybe she went a little bit, (long pause)… overboard, But I wasn’t… I wasn’t thinking right now.”
Frequent shifts between positive and negative emotions, with fewer neutral emotions emerging in between—for example: From showing up at your door with a bouquet and tears in his eye to telling you (in less than thirty seconds) that he always knew it was bad news. Everyone tried to tell him, but he wouldn’t listen. Then, by saying that the two of you are destined to be together for life (seriously, he’s been receiving signs from God. Ironically, he’ll alternate between divine endorsement of your relationship to signs that it’s doomed).

4. False Promises – As with false regrets, false promises are usually made during a throw. If the narcissist feels you’re serious about leaving this time (because you showed tremendous strength during your last attempt at No Contact), he’ll use the ill-faith tactic of seductive carrot drooping. Remember that new car I mentioned a few months ago? Take you to the dealership to look at the cars. Have you both discussed marriage? It encourages you to shop for rings. Have you expressed interest in acquiring a home shortly? She suddenly talks to realtors and presents you with the latest edition of Homes for Sale.

Don’t fall for it. The narcissist has absolutely no intention of following through. When this becomes apparent and you ask them to, they will resume the character assassinations and lead you to believe that it is entirely your fault. This is just a plan to take the blame off of them and make you feel responsible for ruining your hopes, as well as the relationship. Don’t fall back into submissive behavior hoping they will deliver on their false promises.

Avoid falling into bad faith tactics or just being someone’s insurance against loneliness
To avoid becoming the narcissist’s insurance against loneliness, stop any contact (or implement modified contact in the case of joint custody), set firm boundaries, don’t flatter them, don’t be a “yes” man, and don’t get involved if they break down your barriers and get nasty. Dealing with them only rewards their behaviour.

On top of that, reaching out via email or text to tell them how hurt they were or how cruel they are just invites them to ignore you (even though they’re cheerful inside).

In most cases, they’ll come back hovering when they sense you’ve fallen into yet another ill-faith tactic — pretending they want nothing to do with you, swooping in like the love of your life during an epic moment of vulnerability on your part, setting you up for a self-loathing extravaganza.