For adult child narcissists (ACONs), coming out of denial of childhood abuse is a courageous step along the journey of recovery.

When you can look at your parents with objective eyes and accept that the ‘love’ you received from them was conditional and miserly, you become able to develop a healthier dynamic with your narcissistic parents in the present moment, where you are. Less susceptible to manipulation tactics.

For some, this realization may mean no contact with their narcissistic parent. For others, it may mean developing healthy boundaries and redefining the concept of give and take in their relationship with mom or dad.

For others, it may mean forgiving a parent who is neither able to express love towards you nor able to give you direct attention.

You may have convinced yourself that your controlling parent loves you in his own way, and may be keeping you stuck in denial—a dangerous space where narcissistic parents still have the power to direct your life and dictate your feelings. When the abuse experienced is public—clear and obvious to all—it is much easier to “own” the fact that the person is an ACON.

However, in cases where the narcissist’s manipulation is subtle and under the radar, the ACON is likely to be confused about the true status of their one-sided relationship with their narcissistic parent.

This can mean that the ACON remains stuck in denial as they tell themselves the comforting lie that the narcissistic parent’s abusive and controlling behavior towards them is an expression of their “loving care.”

While on the surface it may appear that the covertly narcissistic parent truly loves or is even devoted to their child, the truth is that every action of the narcissist is self-serving. This is because the narcissistic parent uses their child(ren) as a way to validate stories they would like to believe about themselves.

Generally, these stories are about being seen as a “good” parent whose children enjoy their accomplishments or are special in some way. However, look below the surface of the narcissistic child’s covert dynamic and you’ll see that the parent always has an agenda to get their own needs from the narcissistic supply fulfilled by their child(ren).

In other words, covertly narcissistic parents put on a love disguise in order to have their own needs and desires met by the child.

Secret Narcissistic Parents: 3 Under The Radar Types

1 – Narcissistic suffocation

This type of parent doesn’t allow their children’s room to breathe. Through “excessive love” of the child, the narcissist controls every aspect of his child’s life.

Smothering narcissistic parents overwhelm their children with their own unregulated emotions to the point where their children learn to suppress their feelings. While such parents may outwardly appear devoted to their children, their apparent sacrifices come with strings attached. The child is not allowed to pursue his own path in life and is groomed to become the parent’s emotional nurturer, which, due to the complete absence of boundaries between them, means that every mood swing or emotional regress that the parent experiences is felt by the child in tandem.

If the child or ACON attempts to take responsibility for their life, the attempt at freedom will be met with guilt trips or outbursts of narcissistic rage.

“When you’re happy, I’m happy,” say the adult children of smothering narcissists.

2 – Mini Me, the narcissistic creator

This type of parent creates a child in his own image.

Parent and child seem so close that there is no separation between their personalities and interests; The mini me is just a younger version of the adult narcissist. While the dynamic between the narcissist and their young shows a strong bond between them, the truth is that a child created in their father’s image has no identity of their own.

A grown-up may be so involved with their parents that they can never fully separate from them.

Adult narcissists say “The Children from the Creators of Mini-Me”: “What would Mom/Dad say?”

3- The dismissive narcissist

This type of parent denies their child attention or validation of any kind.

While a child may be well provided for in practice by having all his physical needs met, any kind of emotional connection between parent and child is clearly lacking.

The child of the dismissive narcissist learns not to seek emotional contact with the parent because attempts at bonding are rejected and rejected by the narcissist. This type of narcissistic parent is unable to give their undivided attention to the child at any time — chores, watching TV, or socializing will always come first. Even if a child develops a talent or becomes a high achiever in some area of their life, the disapproving parent will rarely or reluctantly acknowledge what the child has accomplished.

Particularly stingy will be praise from the parent to the child, even completely absent in the relationship.

Adult children of dismissive narcissists say, “Nothing I do is good enough.”

Put the past behind you – Helpful tips for overcoming a difficult childhood
Fortunately, having a difficult childhood is not a life sentence to terrible adult life. Even if you grew up suffering from abuse, lived with parents addicted to alcohol or drugs, or had a traumatic experience as a child, you can grow to be a happy, healthy adult.

Use these tips to get through a difficult childhood:

1- Avoid blaming yourself. Often, abuse survivors blame themselves for what happened. This self-blame can continue into adulthood.

People who have experienced abuse are often more distrustful and sometimes hostile towards others. This can negatively affect your relationships. Ask others to be patient with you as you learn to trust them.
If you were abused or neglected as a child, know that it wasn’t your fault. When you come to this realization, you will begin to see yourself in a better light.
You are a good person who deserves a happy life. Start to believe it.
2 – Learn to say no. If you had a difficult childhood, you probably weren’t allowed to say “no” without serious repercussions. As an adult, it’s okay to set some boundaries and expect others to respect them.

3 – Let the hard times in your past make you stronger. If you encounter difficulties, you can go one of two ways: Either you live in the past and look through the difficult times, or you decide to learn from the experiences and move forward in a new, positive direction.

There is an old saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. Although it can be difficult to use a difficult experience as a source of strength, it is healthy action.
4 – Use positive affirmations. Each person has his internal dialogue. Make your image positive. Focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Say encouraging things and give yourself a pep talk whenever you need to.

5- Surround yourself with positive people. Studies have shown that abusers often end up in abusive relationships. It is up to you to break the pattern.

You want the important people in your life to be supportive and encouraging. Therefore, it is better to eliminate those who hurt your life.
6- Use the attending physician. For adult children of narcissists, overcoming traumatic childhood experiences can be very difficult. A professional therapist can help you navigate your way through some of the issues and challenges you may be facing.

7 – If you have tried traditional healing with little or no positive results, your best bet may be a program to rebuild your inner identity.

If you had a difficult childhood, these tips can lead you down a more positive path for adult children than narcissists. However, these suggestions may only be the first step. You may need to see a mental health professional to learn some other strategies for dealing with the past. Isn’t it time to give up on you once and for all?