I’ll never forget the time I finally meant to work and went offline, preventing my ex from reaching me on cell phone. At first, I felt powerful because it was the first in a series of steps to regain my freedom and power.
But, after a few days, the debilitating guilt set in. Wasn’t going to No Contact the same thing when they gave me the silent treatment? What if he finally sees the light and feels remorse for the way he treated me? Perhaps he was frantically trying to call me to apologise, and here I was carelessly forbidding him to offer his apology.
Didn’t all these things make me as heartless and cunning as he used to ignore me? What if the “hurt little boy” inside him reached out to save him? After all, most of us understand that ignoring another person can have lasting harmful effects on their mental health.
What I was doing seemed to depict the same lack of empathy as my previous behaviors. And to keep him blocked and unable to communicate with me, I was engaging in the same cruel tricks I wanted to avoid by blocking him in the first place!
And guess what? Not long after these thoughts I unlocked him and opened the door to months of constant abuse.
Difference between silent treatment and no contact
There are very distinct fundamental differences between the silent treatment and no contact. One is used as a form of punishment and torture, while the other is used as a means of gaining freedom from abuse and manipulation. Below, I’ve dissected the differences between the two so you can throw your unwarranted guilt out the window and move on with the all-important task of healing yourself and your life.
The silent treatment
The silent treatment has many different names including ostracism, distancing, cold shoulder, and social rejection/isolation.
It has been used for centuries by organizations, denominations, churches, and communities as an effective way to punish or avenge a perceived wrong. It was used by the ancient Greeks as a way to neutralize someone who they thought was a threat to a commune or potential ruler.
In the context of a corporate environment, it is performed strategically by co-workers, supervisors, and managers alike and is considered a form of workplace bullying. It is often used to punish whistleblowers for exposing unethical behaviors.
In romantic (and familial) relationships, narcissists use the silent treatment as an aggressive measure of control and punishment for something their partner has done; A sadistic form of “time-out”, ostracizing the victim as motivation for them to “act out”.
It is the ultimate form of devaluation, making its target feel voiceless, alone, rejected, alienated as a person; invisible.
Every time a narcissist gives you the silent treatment, it diminishes in small increments. Over time, your sense of self erodes and your fear of abandonment gets worse. If you weren’t aware of any wounds of abandonment before meeting the narcissist, the insidious and progressive actions they took while tearing your trust may have triggered any underlying wounds of abandonment.
The intended result of the silent treatment is to put the narcissist in a position of strength as you condition yourself into silence and acceptance of their unfair treatment. Its message is, “Comply, or else.” This can last from a few days to several weeks as the narcissist often leaves the group home.
