When it comes to narcissists and their irrational behaviors, one of the most common questions that victims of narcissistic abuse ask is if the narcissist is aware of what they are doing.

A common misconception is that if they don’t know what they’re doing, we shouldn’t hold them accountable for their seemingly unintentional mistakes. Instead, we should offer them empathy and try to help them through any “pain” they are experiencing that causes them to act in a hurtful way. After all, people hurt people, right?

There is one major flaw in the question – are narcissists aware of their disorder? In that, it assumes that all narcissists fall under the same place on the spectrum of the disorder. they don’t. When it comes to narcissism, there are individuals with few enough traits that they may not be recognized as suffering from a narcissistic personality disorder (a major flaw in the DSM criteria, as it only takes one pathological trait to destroy another person’s life).

Some people fall so far on the other extreme that they possess the dark traits of Machiavellianism and psychopathy. These individuals are very cunning and engage in dangerous forms of deception and manipulation. These are the people who can live two or three different lives behind their partners’ backs and rig up heaters in the winter to emit carbon monoxide, hoping to get life insurance policies for their family members.

In contrast, most “gardening variety” narcissists don’t sit around strategizing about what they will do next to their unsuspecting partners. It will take a long time away from their self-fulfilling agendas. All they care about is what they need minute by minute to get the most narcissistic offer – whether from you or some other source of supply. It doesn’t matter which. If what they desire is reflected to them in the form of satisfying experiences or likes, they don’t care what mirror they look into.

Inside the Mind of a Variety Narcissist Garden

Narcissists usually act on their feelings, which are highly off. They have very low emotional intelligence and have never developed any form of emotional resilience.

This partly explains why they appear to be loving and caring one minute, yet seem to hate you the next. This generally occurs when they are experiencing a narcissistic injury, which is evident in their tendency to pick on the most innocent comments or questions.

Since one can never know what is going on in a narcissist’s mind at any given moment, what they consider harmful one minute can be completely ignored the next. Do yourself a favor and don’t try to analyze it. Once you think you have a solution, the rules will have changed.

While a non-disordered person thinks about how their words and actions will affect others, narcissists do not. Because of this, many of their behaviors are spur of the moment. There are some very deliberate actions they engage in, like hiding evidence of an extramarital affair or faking another person’s name in a loan application, but they think it’s all justified because, by this point, the person they’re in a relationship with has either stopped seeing their greatness or has started asking for too much damage control.

Many narcissists are, at one point or another, aware of the impact their behaviors have on others, but are completely indifferent to it.

One way to understand how narcissists feel about their deceptive and manipulative behaviors against others is to compare it to a person’s penchant for steak or pork chops. Most people realize that cows and pigs are sentient beings, yet they generally don’t think about what the animals go through before they appear as an arranged meal on the dinner table.

If vegan points out to a carnivore how horrible these animals suffer, the meat-eater will shrug their shoulders because they love steak and don’t plan to stop eating steak.

This is exactly how narcissists feel about the abuse of the people closest to them.

The difference is that we generally don’t see what happens to animals that are being processed for consumption unless we look for them. Narcissists see the results of their manipulation and abuse every day and remain completely indifferent. By the time the love-bombing phase is over and you are undervalued, you become their antagonist, and so to them, any pain or distress you experience is your fault.

Are narcissists aware of their disorder?

Day in and day out, you notice their obnoxious behavior. You watch them hurt people, maintain their egos, and ignore reality. ⁠
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It can be as shocking as it is annoying. ⁠
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It is a dangerous misconception to assume that narcissists are unaware of how their actions affect others. It’s not that they don’t see it – it’s usually that they don’t care.⁠
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Indeed, the current research reveals some interesting findings: ⁠
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• Narcissists generally understand that people view them less positively than they see themselves
• Narcissists realize that the strength of their positive impressions may wane over time
• Narcissists have some insight into their personality (they will describe themselves as self-confident, narcissistic, etc.) ⁠
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  At first glance, these results may seem bewildering. If narcissists have some insight into their patterns, why do they continue to engage in these ways? ⁠
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  Narcissists do not view their behaviors as problematic. In other words, even if they think others don’t like them, they still think they have the right to play by their own rules. The biggest indicator that narcissists have an awareness that their behaviors are not acceptable and are generally looked down upon by society is the fact that they hide their abusive behaviors from most people, but keep them for you. ⁠
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  This is the most convincing evidence that they know what they are doing. If they are not aware or have no control over themselves, they will act the same way with others as they do with you.⁠