You wonder how to leave a narcissist?
You may have tried, again, to bring up something the narcissist did that hurt you, disrespected you, or made you feel worthless.
As usual, the fight ended with your apology and forgiveness.
Right now, you’re daydreaming about packing up your car and using your next paycheck to escape and start a new life somewhere.
But you can’t leave – you love them.
In addition, it may mean admitting that your relationship has failed. And if you’re involving kids, it might not seem worth it.
But another life is possible.
You don’t have to put up with narcissistic abuse – you deserve so much better.
You just need to understand not only how to leave a narcissist, but how to get over a narcissist. See, narcissists have a crafty way of manipulating your sense of self that keeps you hanging on — but you can break free, even if the idea of leaving seems scary.
Decode how to leave a narcissist
Deep down, you know you are in an abusive situation. You know your relationship is not healthy.
But what if this is as good as it gets?
The narcissist may have spent months or years leading you to believe that you are worthless and that no one else can ever want or value you. The narcissist may have manipulated you into thinking that you are in an honorable position and needed because they are in your life – and you should feel lucky to have the opportunity.
If you want to know how to leave a narcissist — and how to get over a narcissist — you need to understand two key points.
Realize You’re probably tantalizing longing for love
Narcissists create a sense of false love and toxic attachment through a process known as trauma bonding.
In healthy relationships, this can be a positive experience: You and your friend grow closer after experiencing a traumatic event together. But with narcissists, it’s even more sinister.
Narcissists will create traumatic situations (like those weekend-long fights) to bring the two of you closer together (at least, in your mind’s eye). There’s a good chance that you’ve told the narcissist things that are deeply personal that you haven’t told anyone else – and that’s exactly what they want. Not only does it bring the two of you closer in the worst way, but the narcissist can use these personal secrets against you later on.
As this cycle continues, you will likely find yourself longing for the fleeting moment when the narcissist offers you a glimmer of hope: a hug, “I love you,” low-key romantic movie night.
It’s those brief moments of affection and serenity that keep you hooked. The problem is that we misinterpret this longing for love.
The narcissist longing to appreciate your talents offer gratitude or even basic respect.
Longing is a strong emotion that seems to emanate directly from the heart and reach for something it cannot communicate with, and every time it cannot communicate with what it is it is looking for, the pain becomes more acute.
The truth is when the narcissist finally does exchange the short-lived appreciation, it is completely contrived. It is important to note that a narcissist does not feel the same warm fuzziness that you do.
For narcissists, emotions are just motifs to manipulate you and exploit your vulnerabilities.
Understanding how to leave a narcissist and rebuild your identity
If you are ready to understand both how to let go of a narcissist and how to get over a narcissist, you will need to consider that narcissistic abuse completely distorts your sense of identity.
The narcissist has taken every opportunity to bring down your dreams, distort your opinions, and leave you to question everything you thought you knew about yourself.
This is all part of the narcissist’s game to weave themselves into your identity – they are like a celestial black hole and once sucked in, they vanish without a trace. Because of this one-sided expenditure of energy and love, the narcissist becomes your sense of self.
Instead of worrying about your next career move, what is best for your family, or how you should spend your day off, your only worry is the narcissist and nothing else. Your every thought is about their thoughts and feelings – never your thoughts and feelings.
Do you worry that the narcissist will get angry because you left the house without telling them first?
Do you find yourself thinking “What would X say” when presented with a decision or question before forming your opinion?
If this sounds familiar, then you have lost your sense of self to build the narcissist’s false self.
How to leave a narcissist for good
Knowing how to get over a narcissist is hard, but first, you need to know how to leave a narcissist the right way.
Plan your exit carefully and prepare for a narcissistic attack
The narcissist can and will use every channel at his disposal to contact you with fake apologies and promises – or even violence, anger, and stalking.
If you live with the narcissist, find where you live while you are back on your feet. Find a lawyer if you have to deal with child custody or the division of assets. These things aren’t fun, but they will help you get a clean break.
The best thing you can do when you’re figuring out how to leave a narcissist is to carefully plan your exit.
Do not crack – no matter what
Block the narcissist’s phone number so you won’t receive his or her text messages. Be prepared: They may use impersonation apps or other services to imitate a different number.
Let mutual friends know that you don’t want to pass on any messages from your ex. If you don’t want to explain, say so.
No one has the right to work in your business: good friends will understand and respect your wishes. (It may be hard to believe after living with a narcissist for so long, but your friends will understand and respect you.)
How to leave a narcissist and rebuild your identity
You’re ready to leave — physically, at least.
You know the situation needs to change, but how long will you last before the narcissist brings you back with their fake apologies and sobbing stories about how they realized their wrongdoing? How did they get their “divine epiphany”?
When the narcissist seems genuinely remorseful, it’s all a charade. Daniel N. Jones of the University of Texas at El Paso proposed a theory in 2014 to explain predatory behaviors in human societies. His theory suggests that individuals engaging in predatory behavior need to be cooperative and “natural” to successfully take advantage of others. People are naturally wary of individuals who do not express fear or remorse, deeming them untrustworthy.
According to Angela Book of Brock University in Canada and a team of researchers, “For psychopathic individuals to successfully navigate the social world, they “need to feign moral empathy to appear trustworthy and encourage others to cooperate with them.”
“By feigning remorse, individuals who lack these feelings may benefit from appearing trustworthy while retaining the ability to pursue their interests (without being held back by any real feelings or fears).”
