When it comes to recovering from narcissistic abuse, how long exactly does it take?
Because that’s the point here, right?
Depending on the site or forum you access, it could take anywhere from ten minutes to ten years. And if we’re being honest with ourselves, ten minutes expects very little…but, ten years?
In the words of Kimberly “Sweet Brown” Wilkins, “Nobody has time for that!”
If you think it can take ten years to heal from narcissistic abuse, you may be tempted to stay in your toxic situation because the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. Am I right?
Sadly, most people are looking for a magical golden ticket that will take them to the Land of Healing in an instant, but such a ticket does not exist.
So what does it take to heal, then?
While healing varies from person to person, five basic steps must be taken before true healing can begin. If these steps are not done, healing can take much longer than it needs to, if at all! To ensure you don’t sabotage your recovery, I cover these five essential steps below.
They don’t necessarily need to be executed in the order I list them, but they do need to be fulfilled before you can proceed with the work of true healing.
How to prepare to get rid of narcissistic abuse
1 – Acceptance
When is the time to let go of the relationship? It’s time to let go when you’ve stopped growing as a person, your bond is causing more pain than happiness, you’re being manipulated and abused, or the overall climate of the relationship is one of anxiety, fear, and shame.
What do I mean by relationship climate? If you think of your relationship in terms of the weather, what is the general climate like? Lots of sunshine and a breezy breeze with a few rain clouds here and there, or thunderstorms, tornadoes, and tsunamis? A relationship with a narcissist will be one of perpetual whirlwinds.
It’s not healthy. Once you’ve determined that the narcissist is abusive or emotionally unavailable and won’t change, it’s time to accept the need to end the relationship — rather than holding on, hoping in vain that they’ll go back to being the person they pretended to be when you first met.
It’s natural to want to make things work with someone you love, but loving a narcissist is just as good for you as being diagnosed with cancer. Narcissistic abuse has been linked to certain types of cancer. (And if you have cancer, letting go of the narcissist is the first empowering step you can take toward recovery.)
One of the reasons it is so difficult to leave abusive relationships is the long periods of internal shame. When shamed through repeated infidelities and verbal abuse, it creates neural patterns that reinforce underlying feelings of unworthiness.
Hearing messages of shame from someone you love consistently often reminds us of an early wound. Many traumatized people expose themselves, apparently compulsively, to situations reminiscent of the original emotional trauma, which is referred to as repetition compulsion. (van der Kolk, 2005)
Choosing to stop this compulsion will be part of the healing journey.
2 – let go
Once you have accepted the necessity of breaking up, the next step is letting go. Letting go is similar to letting go, but it involves an inner transformation. It is an internal process of consciously recognizing that you can make it on your own and that you don’t need the narcissist to survive emotionally.
In your mind, you let go of the deeply held belief that you need the narcissist in your life to feel good about yourself.
In your mind, you accept that there will be a difficult road ahead, but it is one you are willing to travel to get to a place of true healing (and to make room for a mutually loving relationship later).
In your mind, you give up waiting for apologies and closure from the person who offended you.
In your mind, you give up on the narcissist.
After deciding to break free, you may initially feel euphoric and empowered, only to begin to doubt yourself soon after. It’s normal.
This moment is your point of choice, the place of branching, the point of possibility. The turning point. It is this crossroads that will either propel you toward recovery… or push you toward more chaos and destruction. In this moment, you can return to the choices that are destroying you, or make new choices that will heal and empower you. (Ferman, 2017)
3 – No connection
Lack of contact is usually the hardest step in recovering from narcissistic abuse. However, this step is the basis for determining whether or not you will be cured. You can’t finish the first two steps without it.
In the case of joint custody, Extreme Modified Contact should be applied to protect your emotions and allow healing energies into your personal space.
When you avoid non-contact, don’t properly block the narcissist, and try to stay friends, you accomplish many things, none of which are beneficial or healthy for you. Consequences of these self-sabotaging decoys include:
It takes away your credibility for any limits you have tried to set
Reach out to the narcissist you are cooperating with or calmly accept their unacceptable behavior
You will constantly look for signs that there is still a chance for reconciliation
You will prepare yourself for a sexual situation that is free of strings attached (no strings attached on the part of the narcissist)
You will put yourself in the role of “safe reserve” when the narcissist needs additional supplies beyond his new partner
You will develop (or deepen) feelings of self-loathing because you cling to someone who will never reciprocate your affection or devotion.
Your self-esteem and confidence will plummet because you won’t be able to accept the narcissist’s lack of commitment (even if they claim they will, you’ll be crushed when you find out they lied again)
Your core abandonment wounds will only get worse, exposing you to complete dysfunction and annihilation
4 – Understand that there is more to healing than just no contact
I see so many aspiring survivors who mistakenly believe that simply getting out of their abusive relationship is enough for a fulfilling and fulfilling life. Unfortunately, this belief is what keeps many people stuck for years after they leave, and why they continue to suffer from symptoms of trauma, depression, and panic.
The truth is that reading and watching videos – while helpful – won’t cure you. Reading is great for gaining knowledge and receiving validation, but reading and listening are not enough to form new neural pathways or to release trauma from your body.
Our outdated programming, trauma, trapped emotions, and patterns determine our well-being; And we need to actively address all of these things for true healing.
To leave those old beaten and circular paths, you must devise an effective escape route (or have someone with such a plan help you). ~ Leslie Baker Phelps
Understanding the root of your emotional pain and why you keep repeating the same patterns does not automatically lead to making healthy choices. This should evolve with new experiences and different options.
5 – Commit yourself to live in reality
Once you leave a dysfunctional relationship, your brain and body will play all kinds of tricks on you to get you in touch with the source of your trauma. This is due to the trauma bond that is established within the relationship, as well as the biochemical addictions that form in this environment.
Chances are, you look back on the beginning of the relationship very fondly. It may have sounded too good to be true – true love at last!
Perhaps the narcissist has showered you with dinners, appreciation, validation, gifts, and affection like you’ve never experienced before. This is called “love bombing” and it is the first stage in the narcissist’s love cycle when the narcissist wants you to believe that this expression of love is real.
Positive experiences like romantic dates and excessive compliments can release dopamine in the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that activates reward pathways in our brain, which then generates automatic neural connections linking the narcissist’s thoughts of pleasure and even physical survival.
But there is a dark side to this process. Dopamine and other feel-good chemicals flow more easily in the brain when there is “intermittent reinforcement” rather than a consistent, dependable pattern. The emotional unavailability and unpredictability of narcissistic individuals leave us craving the good times despite the pathological damage we suffer in between.
Just like a drug dealer who passes the first solutions for free, the narcissist has a love-bombing plan: They want to get you hooked before they limit your supply.
It is like getting rid of cocaine addiction.
By rewarding itself with a pleasurable response to these activities, your brain sets itself up to repeat them. It even sets itself up to anticipate the future release of dopamine that will be experienced when an activity is repeated — prompting you to engage in it again (“Trauma Bonding: Can You Be Addicted,” 2018) — like breaking No Contact or unblocking a narcissist, waiting for a rush of chemicals That feels so good when you receive a simple and primitive “smiley face emoji” without any real attempt on their part to convey a sincere message.
