If you are in a relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist, there will likely be a time when you developed a burning desire to know the things narcissists do when they are alone.
If we are to be sophisticated about it, we must take into account that, like other citizens of society, they engage in activities that help maintain a certain standard of living. Things like going to work, having their car serviced, and going to doctor’s appointments.
But aside from those harmless undertakings, things get rather bleak.
Narcissists will rarely admit it, but all of your insecurities about your relationship are taking place under the radar of your consciousness.
You know that constant, vague feeling of dread you get in your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or are they telling the truth? It is your intuition that can cause physical sensations in the body.
They’re called our “gut feelings” for a reason—research suggests that emotion and intuition are largely rooted in the gut’s “second brain.” In fact, says Michael Gershon, professor and chair of the Department of Pathology and Cell Biology at Columbia University, “The gut can operate independently of any control by the brain in your head—it acts like a second brain. It is another independent center of integrative neural activity.”
But don’t take my word for it. You can read all about Psychology Today in an article titled, Your Spare Brain.
My job here is to give you a breakdown of what a narcissist does in your life—using very specific techniques of psychological corruption—when they think no one is looking. Hidden secrets that will bring you to your knees…
Here, I chart thirteen of the most common things narcissists do when they think no one is looking. The possibilities on this topic are endless, but what follows is a sampling of the ones I’m most familiar with, some of which I’ve personally tested.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Things narcissists do when they think no one is looking
1 – Check your personal belongings
Narcissists constantly do things they will eventually struggle with. Therefore, they spend a great deal of time trying to find the smallest incriminating piece of evidence against you so that they have ammunition when they finally get caught.
Often, what they find they “condemn” is simply a figment of their imagination or something entirely fabricated. For example, I had been working in the banking industry for years before leaving to become a teacher and, later, to create this space for narcissistic abuse recovery.
As a bank employee, I wore suits that required me to wear pantyhose. One day, I accidentally ripped a hole in a pair of them and disposed of them in the trash. My ex, during his usual practice of “dirt diving,” stumbled upon these things and confronted me about them, accusing me of being unfaithful.
Of course, he was completely wrong, but you can probably imagine how it turned out.
Long story short, narcissists engage in deceptive and deceptive behaviors every single day. In many cases, they think others like them, but they are better at hiding it. In other cases, they simply want to have something to throw in your face when you find out they’re still doing “that thing” and promised you they’d stop doing it.
The general exception to this shady practice is the cerebral narcissist, who uses his intelligence to control others. They believe that most people are gullible people who don’t have anything fun going on in their lives, except, of course, academics and other scientists that narcissists are madly jealous of.
2 – Create numerous dating profiles
Not all narcissists cheat, but most do. Those who don’t tend to be “brainy” and simply don’t enjoy having intimate relationships with other people.
But if the narcissist you know is charismatic, outgoing, and loves to be the center of attention, it is very likely that they do things that you will be horrified to find out about.
For narcissists, seducing people is another tool to manipulate, control, exploit, and destroy the self-esteem of the partner(s). In most cases, there is serial cheating, withholding of affection, insulting requests, verbal assaults, and addiction to off-color websites.
Or, on the other end of the spectrum, they are so adept in the bedroom that their partners often stay in an abusive relationship because they never lived it well, creating a twisted dynamic that leads to self-loathing, guilt, and shame.
In any case, narcissists have a proven track record of serial cheaters. Which explains why they generally turn off their cell phones, leave the room when certain calls come in, and are strangely obsessed with exchanging text messages while you’re sitting down to dinner during your anniversary.
If you’ve caught them doing this, don’t be fooled by their apparent attempt to win back your trust. It doesn’t matter if they let you through their phone if they secure a secret line behind your back.
If it sounds strange, you’re probably on to something. Do not ignore your intuition in this matter.
3 – Try to contact their ex-girlfriends on social media
Imagine this scenario. You are sitting at your work desk and decide to call your partner (whom you suspect is a narcissist) to check in and see how things are going. They seem rather friendly and the two of you are planning dinner and a movie that night. You hung up feeling relieved and starting to think that maybe your recent arguments were just normal relationship issues. You feel a little elated when you think about how the evening turned out.
However, the narcissist stops working and goes back to liking his ex-boyfriend’s photos on Facebook and Instagram. The two of you have been arguing a lot lately (over the crimes of their relationship), so they have to line up another source or two of narcissistic supply to serve as backup when you finally come to your senses and give them the much-needed boot.
Moral of the story? Never trust a narcissist to be a decent person. never.
4 – Visiting websites of questionable usefulness
With media forces now filtering and banning certain terms and phrases, I am unable to articulate the exact terms I wish to use here, but suffice it to say that many narcissists, when they are alone, spend hours searching. Various sites of very dubious merit.
Sites that would break your heart and destroy you for weeks on end if you were romantically involved with them.
If you find out that your narcissistic partner has been visiting such sites, you can bet with a 99% certainty that he or she also has online dating profiles and is probably hooking up with other people behind your back. At the very least, they are likely to engage in things online with people they met online that make you feel unwell.
5 – Try to turn your family and friends against you
Contrary to popular belief, a narcissist’s smear campaign does not begin immediately after a breakup. In many cases, he’s been alive and well for quite some time. You just weren’t aware of it.
The reason everyone is now going in the opposite direction from you or, at the very least, is looking at you with a raised eyebrow, is because the narcissist has been tarnishing your reputation since before the relationship ended. The two main reasons for this are:
All relationships are doomed in the narcissist’s mind, and they want to start assassinating your character.
They assume that you will breathe with the people in your shared social circle and want to make sure that they cut you off at the pass so that you look unsettled when you muster up the courage to start talking about your experiences.
These actions are intended to maintain the false image they have portrayed all along. Unfortunately, they are often very successful in doing so. If your friends or family suddenly start to back away or question your judgment, the narcissist has likely planted seeds of doubt in their minds. If they are overtly siding with the narcissist when you start sharing your relationship struggles, it’s time to start shrinking your inner circle.
6 – Planting spyware on your devices or installing hidden cameras in your shared residence
This can happen in many different ways.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, do not assume that they are not smart enough to track you using your devices. I’ve seen this assumption fall around people’s ankles more times than I’d like to admit.
One common method for abusers to track you legally is to use geolocation services that are built into all smartphones; If you know someone’s cloud account password, or can guess it, you can follow their movements via software designed to find lost or stolen phones that installs on multiple devices. Often, the abuser creates a cloud account for the person they want to track, giving them full access to the target’s location at any given moment.
If you suspect you are dealing with a narcissist, do not accept a phone they have set up for you using their cell account. If you do, you can assume that they have set it up to track you.
Another way abusers can keep tabs is by installing spyware on your electronic devices. Some of these spyware can be installed remotely. Installing spyware this way is somewhat more difficult than it used to be, but it still happens.
Most spyware is designed to not only track your location but also monitor your calls, voicemails, texts, and emails – and even watch you using the camera on your device.
7 – ruin your money
I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve worked with in my coaching practice who have been financially devastated because they gave in to narcissists’ seemingly genuine requests to give them a loan, start a business together, open joint accounts, or buy a home or vacation home together.
They may have lent you money or paid for an expensive item at one point to make you think they were generous, but it was only intended to instill a sense of obligation in you in preparation for that debilitating situation you would get from them later on.
Another schemer who falls into this category is the narcissist who asks for your support while he or she is out of work. These schemes are all designed to “break the seal” in the realm of financial matters so that they can take horrific liberties later, such as:
Get loans in your name
Taking out a second mortgage on your home without your knowledge
Failure to pay IRS taxes, which results in the possibility of you being locked up in jail
Expect to pay for everything while saving for themselves
Forcing you to have all utilities and insurance in your name so that you have to pay for them all
… and so on.
If you are having issues in your relationship and you think your partner is a narcissist, it would be in your best interest to avoid getting involved with your money in any way. If you already have one, start a secret account and start adding money to it whenever you can. Deliver your data to a family member’s address.
Prevent narcissistic financial abuse early by hiding money when you can and refusing to put your name on any legal documents with them.
8 – Spying on you
We’ve already covered the spyware and tracking apps that narcissistic abusers can use to keep tabs on your whereabouts at #6.
However, many narcissists will hound you so they can see what you do when they are not with you.
While legal definitions of stalking vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, a good working definition of stalking is an unwanted or obsessive interest by an individual towards another person through the execution of behaviors intended to intimidate, disturb, and/or instill in the victim a feeling of stalking. Victim guilt and hopelessness (which often leads to learned helplessness). Stalking behaviors are associated with harassment and intimidation and usually involve following (personally) and observing the victim.
According to Lamber Ruakers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):
Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwanted, and destructively intrudes into the life realm of the victim, with whom he or she has a current or recent relationship. Moreover, the separate acts that constitute the stalking cannot cause in and of themselves Mental abuse, but it is a combined (cumulative effect).”
The disruptions to daily life necessary to escape a pursuer can include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers. Many targets of stalking had to move to another country and go into hiding.
Several of my coaching clients have been stalked by their narcissistic partners. Stalking behaviors of narcissists can include:
Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
Frequent and unsolicited delivery of gifts, cards, and flowers
Constantly driving near your house
Show up at your workplace or favorite hangout
Spreading rumors or posting personal information about you on social media
Online stalking
Using social media to follow your followers and friends on social media and friend them to keep tabs on you
Install spyware on your computer or cell phone
Learn about your information by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, rummaging through trash, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
Using technology, such as hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
Threatening to harm you, your family, friends or pets
Stalking is often mistaken as a perversion in that once the source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the narcissist refuses to relinquish his power by forcing himself into the victim’s world through harassment, stalking, and surveillance.
Stalking is a common behavior of narcissists when a source of supply is trying to initiate non-contact. When the stalking begins, the victim usually has a clearer picture of what kind of person the narcissist is…which is why they want to not contact in the first place.
If you think you are being stalked, then you should avoid minimizing the problem because it will only get worse over time. You may have to take protective measures to secure your sense of peace, privacy, and security.
Prevent narcissistic financial abuse early by hiding money when you can and refusing to put your name on any legal documents with them.
8 – Spying on you
We’ve already covered the spyware and tracking apps that narcissistic abusers can use to keep tabs on your whereabouts at #6.
However, many narcissists will hound you so they can see what you do when they are not with you.
While legal definitions of stalking vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, a good working definition of stalking is an unwanted or obsessive interest by an individual towards another person through the execution of behaviors intended to intimidate, disturb, and/or instill in the victim a feeling of stalking. Victim guilt and hopelessness (which often leads to learned helplessness). Stalking behaviors are associated with harassment and intimidation and usually involve following (personally) and observing the victim.
According to Lamber Ruakers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):
Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwanted, and destructively intrudes into the life realm of the victim, with whom he or she has a current or recent relationship. Moreover, the separate acts that constitute the stalking cannot cause in and of themselves Mental abuse, but it is a combined (cumulative effect).”
The disruptions to daily life necessary to escape a pursuer can include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers. Many targets of stalking had to move to another country and go into hiding.
Several of my coaching clients have been stalked by their narcissistic partners. Stalking behaviors of narcissists can include:
Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
Frequent and unsolicited delivery of gifts, cards, and flowers
Constantly driving near your house
Show up at your workplace or favorite hangout
Spreading rumors or posting personal information about you on social media
Online stalking
Using social media to follow your followers and friends on social media and friend them to keep tabs on you
Install spyware on your computer or cell phone
Learn about your information by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, rummaging through trash, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
Using technology, such as hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
Threatening to harm you, your family, friends or pets
Stalking is often mistaken as a perversion in that once the source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the narcissist refuses to relinquish his power by forcing himself into the victim’s world through harassment, stalking, and surveillance.
Stalking is a common behavior of narcissists when a source of supply is trying to initiate non-contact. When the stalking begins, the victim usually has a clearer picture of what kind of person the narcissist is…which is why they want to not contact in the first place.
If you think you are being stalked, then you should avoid minimizing the problem because it will only get worse over time. You may have to take protective measures to secure your sense of peace, privacy, and security.
Those business trips the narcissist always takes? They can be very real, but don’t be surprised when your new supply calls you, asking who you are and what you do calling the narcissist!
11 Hoover’s Old Sources of Supply (aka, their exes)
Narcissists usually don’t let go of their past experiences completely (unless they give it up completely). They have been known to reconcile with an old flame all of a sudden, sometimes up to ten years after a breakup!
Not all narcissists do this, but most do. When a person passes the basic test of being a “good source,” narcissists literally can’t help themselves and will often reach out to try to rekindle old relationships (albeit one-sided).
This explains why you might notice how the narcissist in your life would love to stay “friends” with his ex or want you to be friends after your relationship ends.
It gives them “entry” if they ever need to turn around again.
12 – Paving the way for their next relationship
You’ve probably read hundreds of times how narcissists leave relationships and then Pelican dives into a new relationship.
This may have happened in the aftermath of your relationship with a narcissist.
The main reason this happens is because narcissists do not attach to people. Not romantically, not traumatic (at least, not to them), and not marital. We form these bonds with narcissists, but they are unable to form emotional bonds with us because of their genuine lack of empathy and inability to relate to others.
Another reason narcissists can form relationships so quickly is that in many cases, the relationship is not very new. If you remember from earlier, narcissists are always combing for new sources of narcissistic supply. For this reason, most narcissists are constantly in different stages of a relationship with other people, from the brilliant and novice supply to those enduring different levels of the cycle of narcissistic abuse.
So, when they bring up the new show on their social media accounts, it’s usually not the person they just met, although narcissists are often very skilled at making it appear that way.
13- Emotional abuse of partners and spouses
If you’ve ever ended a romantic relationship with a narcissist, you may have seen them both out there and in love with their new partner and seems to be having the best time of their lives. You watch them flash their engagement ring on social media and send “save the date” notifications, broadcast how ridiculous they are in love, and laugh about how they feel like teenagers.
Your first reaction might be (surprisingly) to wonder what this new person doesn’t have and that you don’t. Just maybe, the narcissist was right about you all along. Maybe you are the reason why your relationship with them is not working out.
Then, you feel completely helpless because of the apparent change the narcissist has taken with the new offer, sending you into a depression so deep you can barely make it through the day.
This is just another stage in the cycle of narcissistic abuse and it applies to you just as it does to anyone else. The narcissist you know is no different from others. As personal and unique as everyone may feel, it is just another scheme for narcissistic manipulation.
When you see this happening, you mustn’t take it personally. This is one of the narcissists’ favorite times when they’re bombarded with love for new supplies while simultaneously making you feel like discarded trash. The narcissist can’t help but rejoice at how they can make you feel emotionally devastated and are left to pick up the pieces while they’re out living their lives as if your history together meant nothing.
What you don’t think about is how the new show will be subjected to the same emotional abuse you did. There are no exceptions to this. Don’t listen to the new trend of so-called career advice that says narcissists abuse you just because your personality doesn’t match theirs, which is on my list of “Stupid Sh*t Therapists Say.”
Narcissists abuse everyone. No matter what status, race, intelligence, religious beliefs, or how small their waists are. Unfortunately, the new show will not be spared.
Healing from the trauma of narcissistic abuse
It is crucial that you come to terms with the troubling things narcissists do when they think no one is looking so that you can make informed decisions for your future and well-being.
Don’t let yourself fall into a false sense of security because the narcissist knows what to say to lower your defenses and make you doubt your own judgment. Pay attention to patterns because patterns don’t lie.
With the right support, you’ll be shocked at how amazing it feels to thrive on the other side of abuse and heal your life in ways you never imagined.
