You are sitting at home alone and suddenly you remember all the happy times you had with the narcissist.
All the laughs, gifts, excitement and love.
Perhaps you should reply to this text. Perhaps you could have done a few things differently in the relationship on your own. Nobody is perfect, right?
Well, the truth is, your mind is playing tricks on you because of something called euphoric recall.
Cheerful recall makes you remember all the good times and lessen the bad. It’s a defense mechanism, and in the case of narcissistic abuse, it’s dangerous.
Here’s how to recognize a joyful recall while it’s happening and keep no contact for your own safety and well-being.
Exhilarating recovery and recovery from addiction
According to Wikipedia, euphoric recall is a psychological term for people’s tendency to remember past experiences in a positive light, while ignoring negative experiences associated with that event or person. Individuals may become obsessed with recreating past pleasures.
It can be argued that euphoric recall is the driving factor behind chronic relapse in addiction recovery.
Chronic relapsers are people in recovery from alcohol or drug abuse who have no problem maintaining sobriety for months or even years. But at some point, thoughts begin to creep into their heads that “just one won’t hurt.”
They remember how good it feels to have a beer after work. They think of all the times they had a few drinks and didn’t drive drunk or start a fight. They reject the nights they spent in jail, the hangovers, and the arguments.
Their brain convinces them to have one drink and it all spirals down the line from there. Maybe not that same day, maybe not this week or month, but the addiction eventually comes back in full force.
Euphoric recall occurs because our brains are designed to avoid suffering and seek relief.
This instinct is healthy when it comes to wearing a seat belt but dangerous when it comes to recovering from addiction or narcissistic abuse.
When you are in the euphoric throes of recall, you remember all the happy times during your relationship with the narcissist. Your brain wants so badly to experience those euphoric times again — so much in fact, that it easily forgets or minimizes the intense abuse you suffered.
You will light yourself. You will convince yourself that you have your own problems to work on and that you could have done some things differently on your own. You will compromise to justify giving in to the narcissist’s urge – or even reaching out to the narcissist of your own free will!
How does joyful recall fit into recovery from narcissistic abuse?
Not having contact with a narcissist puts you in the same position as someone in recovery from addiction.
Narcissists manipulate you into a love addiction. In the beginning, during the love bombing phase, the narcissist gives you a high status – you feel on top of the world.
They shower you with affection, gifts and promises. You think this is the greatest relationship in the world and nothing can ever compare.
Before you know it, love bombing is gone and replaced with insults, manipulation, and gaslighting. You feel like a shell of who you once were – just like an addict is in the gutter.
When the narcissist feels like you might be getting fed up and slipping away, they’ll deliver little love-pounding “blows” back to keep you hooked and upbeat. They will promise to change (with no intention of changing).
Before you know it, the abuse has returned with a vengeance.
When does joyful summoning happen?
People who struggle with addiction understand that recovery is not linear. Chronic relapsers are well aware of a phenomenon called pink cloud syndrome.
Pink cloud syndrome occurs a few weeks or months after you have cleaned. After their dependence on a substance is broken, their brain chemistry begins to return to baseline to produce serotonin, dopamine, and GABA again.
In the pink cloud, they are so high about being clean and living the good life. The world looks bright and they feel like a child again, rebuilding their identity and experiencing everything they couldn’t during active addiction.
Their daily routine has become boring and all the problems they had before or during addiction are still there.
Suddenly, picking up a hit or a drink doesn’t seem like such a bad idea to break the monotony. The world is miserable – how can anyone go through it being 100% sober?
This is the exhilarating reminder of kicking. They remember all the reasons they used or drank in the first place. They remember how good you felt when drunk, angry, or high.
When you leave a relationship with a narcissist, you will also go through the pink cloud phase.
You will be thrilled to regain your freedom and begin to rebuild your identity. Then, the realities of boring everyday life will hit you. You feel lonely. Suddenly, love bombing feels super sexy.
