Just set healthy boundaries! Speak what’s on your mind! Confirm your truth!

When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, and you choose to reveal some of your issues, these are the cliched suggestions you’ll usually receive. Friends, family members, and even therapists will encourage you to hone your communication, set boundaries, and let the other person know exactly how you feel.

As if these are the magic answers that heal the layers of pain and anguish. As if just speaking more clearly could change years of painful and virulent abuse.

So, are these suggestions supposed to work? And if not, is it possible to set boundaries with narcissists?

Let’s uncover the truth about setting boundaries with narcissists…

Rule #1: The narcissist doesn’t care about your boundaries
Let’s examine the nature of boundaries for a moment. Boundaries are effective when healthy people share mutual levels of respect and empathy for one another. They work when both parties equally hope to improve the quality of the relationship.

However, when you focus on setting boundaries with a narcissist, you focus on trying to change someone who isn’t there. In other words, you live under the false illusion that the narcissist genuinely cares about your needs and wants.

Narcissists are interested in power and control. They care about one-sided validation and praise, and use radical measures of manipulation to satisfy their own selfish needs. They must be right. At any price. Without question or return.

Therefore, when you try to set boundaries, narcissists view this as a personal attack. It’s as if you doubt their amazing and wonderful perfection! How dare you do that!

Because narcissists cannot admit faults or weaknesses, they will react to your boundaries with a variety of dramatic reactions including:

Mind manipulation
Complete denial
Abuse (physical or emotional)
Cognitive empathy
defensive
Remember, narcissists don’t care how you feel because they only care about how they feel. When you begin to “question” the way they are behaving (i.e. put an end), your intentions for positive change are very likely to backfire.

Rule #2 – Re-examine the boundaries you have for yourself
Instead of focusing on what you need from the narcissist in your life, focus on what you need from yourself. Is it a feeling of respect? A healthy and happy relationship? Someone who can support you unconditionally? Is all of the above?

Expect this inner search to be painful. You may have dedicated years focusing on what the narcissist needs. It’s hard to realize that we haven’t acknowledged our own desires. Moreover, it is upsetting when we know that a person who has received so much love, attention, and support cannot and will not reciprocate these basic needs.

As adults, it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves. We choose who we allow into our lives, and we also choose how much of ourselves we are willing to give. We are not defenseless children, nor do we owe any relationship out of obligation.

At this point, upon realizing that traditional boundaries will not work for narcissists, you will likely face a conundrum. What kind of relationship do you want with this person? Better yet, do you want a relationship with them at all?

Rule #3 – Paradoxically, narcissists love boundaries
This rule may seem unexpected. After all, if you’ve ever tried to set boundaries with a narcissist in your life, you know how it ended up (and maybe even somewhat painful).

But after the dust settles, the narcissist realizes that they know exactly what they mean the most to you and what things you want them to start and stop doing. This is exactly how they know the best ways to keep hurting you, which means the juicy supply they’ve been getting from you will be available on tap whenever they want it.

Sharing your boundaries with the narcissist also gives them the perfect ammunition for a smooth bullshit attempt when they want to get you back under their thumb after the painful dumping and subsequent silent treatment.

When the narcissist has a deep, intimate knowledge of your boundaries, it enables them to continue to be dysfunctional the whole time you continue to work hard to save the relationship.

The person you think you love is just a ghost that the narcissist conjures in an attempt to “bind” you to their heart and manipulate you – which is why your radical acceptance of the truth about the narcissist puts you one step outside the door.

Rule #4 – Radically accept “what is” and think no contact
No matter how or why we come to this conundrum, we are left with two options for setting boundaries and meeting our needs in a narcissistic relationship.

Radical Acceptance

Try to radically accept that the narcissist cannot change. Stop resisting. Stop fighting. Stop feeding into what-if scenarios. Stop trying to appeal to their inner child from long ago. These procedures are stressful and can take a huge toll on your physical and mental health.

Narcissists are who they are. By accepting them radically and choosing to remain in a relationship with them, you take on the good, the bad, and the ugly. You choose to let go of expectations and an insatiable desire for change. I choose to accept this dynamic as it was, as it is, and as it will be.

This does not mean that you are not allowed to feel upset or angry. Acceptance is not the absence of feelings. Instead, it acknowledges emotions without acting on them with behaviors such as over-explaining things, standing up for yourself, and expecting the narcissist to be different in some way. They cannot and will not.

Going no connection

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself when breaking up from a toxic relationship is learning to master the art of self-discipline. Learning how to say “no” to yourself is an important step in becoming a stronger and more resilient person. This is especially true when you are trying to maintain no contact with an emotional abuser.

Self-discipline while offline can help you achieve your recovery goals and achieve your dream of freedom. Often, achieving the recovery goals you set for yourself requires sacrificing time, money, and energy that you might prefer to spend on other things. Are you ready to get this medication? Are you willing to invest in resources that will help you escape your abusive situation instead of trying to get out of it or binge-watch YouTube videos without making any real change at all?

Self-discipline helps you focus more
By cutting out the things that keep you away from your recovery goals, you can focus on what’s most important. This could mean not going to the bar with your best friend on Saturday night, and instead, staying home watching good rom-coms and eating pizza. It might mean that instead of spending hours on Facebook and YouTube every evening, you turn off your phone and spend time with your kids or pet.

It is almost impossible to achieve focus without self-discipline, and it will be nearly impossible to achieve healing without focus. Are you willing to focus intensely on ridding yourself of an abusive narcissist? Are you willing to train yourself to engage in new healing habits?

The keys to emancipation are simple, though not so easy to implement

If you commit yourself, save it for your life! If you break a commitment to yourself, remember that you are human. But, you need to prioritize your obligations to yourself in the same way you prioritized the narcissist’s needs.

Recovery means learning where your boundaries lie and how to maintain them when someone challenges them.

First, you need to decide them. Then you practice it. Then you adjust them as necessary, in response to your experiences and interactions.

Doing so will make them more solid. The more wiggle room your borders have, the easier it is to break.

Make your boundaries an expression and extension of who you are. Define them, and let them help define you…or let your boundaries show you who you are. Yes, you will get backlash from setting boundaries with narcissists, but it is better than self-abandonment, which ultimately leads to self-loathing and feelings of helplessness.