You can become a slave to alcohol, gambling, or cocaine, and you have probably seen how people ruin their entire lives in the face of such a terrible addiction. But can you be addicted to a narcissist?
Could the relationship be as toxic as hard drugs or other dangerous compulsions? Could this dynamic be just as dangerous or life-threatening?
What does addiction mean?
The American Society of Addiction Medicine defines addiction as a chronic medical illness that entails complex interactions within brain circuits, environmental factors, and unique life experiences. They continue to say that people with addictions use substances or engage in compulsive behaviors regardless of the serious consequences.
If you think of addiction using their framework, the compulsive behaviors in your relationship could include:
Constantly rescuing the narcissist from their problems.
Over and over again giving money to the narcissist (even if you don’t have much or anything to give).
Making excuses or lying about the narcissist’s behavior.
Obsession with the narcissist’s behavior or whereabouts.
Using drugs, alcohol, or food to cope with the stress of dealing with a narcissist.
Allowing narcissists to exist in your life despite negative consequences.
These behaviors can interfere with normal functioning, and that’s when the dynamic often turns from a problem to an addiction.
think about it. Instead of balancing your relationship with other responsibilities like work or taking care of your kids, the narcissist consumes almost (or all) of your daily energy. They leave little room for anything else, and your relationship becomes the center of your world.
Is narcissist addiction a real thing?
Although it is not recognized as an official diagnosis, many mental health professionals use the term love addiction to describe dysfunctional relationship patterns.
Love addiction can be a controversial topic—most people don’t truly love addicts outside of a toxic relationship. In addition, narcissistic addiction syndrome can mimic addiction, as it can trigger chemical reactions similar to other compulsive issues. In this case, narcissistic abuse can feel quite like (and in most cases is) a biochemical addiction.
When you are with a narcissist, you may be obsessed with the relationship, just as someone else might be hooked on heroin. Likewise, separation or divorce can lead to very severe withdrawal symptoms.
Your relationship may start as a shield against unresolved pain. For example, you may have experienced trauma or have low self-esteem, and you hope that the relationship will remedy that distress. Unfortunately, the relationship still causes more pain.
Many partners tend to cling to relationships because they imagine what it could be. For example, you might romanticize a narcissist and see their potential. Or you may feel tremendous empathy for their upbringing, making you feel responsible for helping them heal.
In psychology, these fanciful assumptions are called magical thinking. You assume that you can change the outcome of something based on a particular behavior or decision you make. Magical thinking can have its benefits (it’s good to be an optimist), but it often leads to resentment and enmity in relationships.
Are you struggling with addiction to a narcissist?
Narcissistic addiction intersects with narcissistic addiction. A vulnerable partner seeking love and validation may unconsciously enter into relationships with people who are emotionally avoidant (such as narcissists).
This biochemical addiction can occur if you have some or all of the following characteristics:
You quickly become obsessed with new relationships.
Trying to cause drama or conflict in the relationship to keep it exciting.
You struggle with being single or single.
You need to constantly check in with your partner and others.
The desire to arouse feelings of jealousy in your partners (to test their loyalty).
Playing games with your partner to keep them “guessing” and interested.
Endure the abuse because it feels better than being alone.
Feeling very lonely or angry when your partner is physically absent.
Sacrificing your own needs or interests for your partner’s sake.
Ignore glaring red flags in a relationship.
At first, it may seem that the narcissist is also addicted to the relationship because of all the drama and excitement.
Narcissists may use various manipulation techniques to keep the relationship going. But fear isn’t necessarily about giving up—their motivations are about control and power. It’s not about keeping you and avoiding rejection – it’s about feeling important and worshiped.
Why are we addicted to narcissists?
It may sound very strange, but why would you deliberately seek harm? Why do you want to feel belittled or condemned?
There are some explanations for why this addiction may occur in a narcissistic person. Let’s review it.
Bombing love is a good feeling
Who doesn’t love feeling like they’re perfect?
Love bombing can be intoxicating – you get that feeling of unconditional love combined with a euphoric spike of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. At first, the narcissist seems like the person of your dreams! They are very different from your previous partners, and you may feel as obsessed with them as they are with you.
It’s easy to get attached to this captivating feeling. It can be incredibly tempting if you’ve been through trauma or bad relationships in the past. The feeling of being complemented by someone — even if the love-bombing phase was brief — becomes a feeling you want to pursue again and again.
Undervaluing forces you to want more love bombing
All love bombing eventually ends. At some point, the narcissist realizes that the relationship cannot “save” them from themselves. But this realization isn’t about you — it happens when your connection can no longer fully feed their narcissistic supply.
When that happens, because narcissist cannot look inward to change themselves, they take their anger out on you. You are the cause of the failure of the relationship. You are the problem.
This lowering can happen suddenly—often completely baffling—but it’s always painful. And so, perhaps because you want to keep your partner happy, you naturally start to think about how you can be a better person.
