We hear about all the toxic strategies narcissistic parents use when raising their children. They manipulate, gaslight, abuse, and sabotage their children’s development.
So what explains why some children of narcissists feel adored by their parents? Is this parent, not a narcissist? Is the child somehow immune from this abuse?
Golden child syndrome often occurs when narcissistic parents designate the “poster child” to showcase the family’s successes and greatness. This child may be exceptionally gifted, and the parent exploits this trait to their advantage. Let’s dig deeper.
Do narcissistic parents love their children?
Narcissists may claim that they love their children, but they only love their expectations of them. Often, they simply want to create a mini version.
Some narcissists appear alert and affectionate as they raise children or young children, but they cannot stand their child once a true identity emerges. They cannot understand or even empathize with why their children think or act differently than they do.
Unfortunately, golden children can play an important role for narcissists. They want to enjoy all the outside praise and attention because it only reinforces that they are an amazing parent.
The narcissistic parent does not have the empathy, flexibility, or patience to raise their children honestly. They often do the bare minimum (if that). However, they work hard to portray themselves in public as perfect, loving parents. How others view them is far more important than how their children feel about them.
What is golden child syndrome?
Almost every parent hopes to see their child thrive and succeed in the world—and that’s an intrinsic parenting drive. Even narcissists often have this desire.
But unlike healthy parents, narcissists don’t just “hope” for this outcome. Instead, from the time their children are young, they work hard to shape and control a child’s destiny.
Golden child syndrome often appears as soon as a parent begins to notice the “special features” of one child. These traits can be anything, but they are usually reinforced from the outside. For example, the daycare teacher might comment on how much the child shares his toys. A neighbor might praise the child for being “very handsome.”
How does being a golden child affect the child?
Since children naturally want to please their parents, this positive reinforcement feels great. But over time, the child begins to worry about maintaining his success.
They may become anxious or perfectionistic about maintaining the “correct” behavior. If the parent becomes angry or moody when a mistake is made (which usually happens within narcissistic families), the child doesn’t feel guilty just for making that mistake. Instead, they feel deeply ashamed of who they are and worry deeply about being abandoned or completely unlovable.
Golden kids grow up with incredible pressure to perform. Eventually, they begin to internalize this pressure. For example, they may spend hours and hours studying or doing homework. If they excel in sports, they may worry constantly about the next match.
The parent has no flexibility for anything beyond sheer perfection. They’re constantly raising their standards, and the golden child rarely feels like they can live up to those unrealistic expectations. But they keep trying – as hard as they can.
What happens when golden children become adults?
Leaving a toxic family dynamic behind doesn’t mean a child can automatically relax. On the contrary, they are often already so anxious, overachievers, and perfectionists that the pressure keeps building. The need to simply please and perform carries over into adulthood.
Lack of self-esteem/self-esteem
Children of narcissists never feel unconditional love from their parents. This basic need is very basic, yet it gets neglected time and time again. Instead, these children feel that they must earn and keep love, and they live knowing that their parents may take away the love at any time.
As a result, golden child syndrome makes children feel inadequate and unloved. They just feel worthy of their outward accomplishments. Fear of failure often makes them feel emotionally paralyzed. Moreover, they rarely have any experience of self-love or self-compassion, since these concepts are not formed or reinforced.
Anxiety or depression (or both)
It’s no secret that living under constant stress often makes people anxious. They constantly plan and dread any situation where they might lack control.
Likewise, golden children may suffer from depression. It can feel terrifying and chaotic as you become an adult. It can seem annoying if a parent spends a lot of time praising and lifting them only to discover that it doesn’t immediately translate into unlimited opportunities in the real world.
Relationship difficulties
Golden children may experience enormous personal problems in their relationships with adults. In addition, because many needs were not met in childhood, they may look inappropriately for those needs to be met in the wrong sources.
For example, some adults with golden child syndrome essentially replicate a narcissistic family into adulthood. They may gravitate towards other narcissists because they want to secure the love they did not receive from their parents. Of course, this impulse is pointless, as any narcissist will only re-create the rejection.
Other adult children may become people-pleasers or caregivers. And because they are used to protecting the family “at any cost,” they may feel drawn to the wounded they can save.
Narcissistic traits
Unfortunately, narcissism has some genetic roots. Parents who greatly overestimate their children may breed envy and a lack of empathy in their children.
Keep in mind that this information does not mean you are a narcissist! Children of narcissists can pick up on certain traits because that’s what they know. It’s normal to ask if you’re a narcissist and worry that you’re hurting others, too.
However, self-reflection is usually one of the missing parts in narcissistic behavior – if you have empathy, compassion, and a desire to grow and learn from others, you are probably not a narcissist! Plus, if you have low self-esteem (as many golden children do), this is the opposite of narcissism.
Can the golden child become a scapegoat?
Narcissists are never satisfied with the status quo of life. They thrive in chaos, making holes in even the most unstable conditions.
Unfortunately, even the golden child is not immune from sinful narcissistic behavior. Narcissists can quickly turn on their children — and feel no guilt or remorse in doing so.
The scapegoats are the “black sheep” of the family. Anyone can play the role, but families often reserve it for sick, weak, or “problem” children. The narcissist becomes convinced that this child is the only problem in the entire dynamic.
Golden children may become scapegoats under various circumstances. First, they may do something the narcissist finds so outrageous or unacceptable that the child has to be kicked completely off the norm. Of course, this behavior may be relatively benign, but if the narcissist feels angry or embarrassed by it, the entire world seems to be turned inside out.
In other cases, golden children can become scapegoats once they begin to stand up for themselves or rebel against perfection. Narcissistic families want to maintain order and control. If the child doesn’t “keep his turn,” he suddenly becomes a problem. Now, they have become the main issue.
Likewise, the scapegoat can “graduate” into golden babies. This shift may occur after another child has lost their position. It can also happen if the scapegoat suddenly “rises” to success and others notice it.
How do you recover from golden child syndrome?
If you are a golden child, you may feel frustrated or resentful about your role. You may be tired of living under stress, but you’re not sure what to do next. Here are some tips that may help.
Let’s go please the narcissist
Although it’s easier said than done, you need to make your expectations known to please the narcissist. It’s not your job to please them, and it never was.
As an adult, you are now responsible for your well-being. You cannot live trying to please a parent who will not truly be satisfied.
Practice more self-compassion
You are worthy because you are, and that value is not tied to any of your accomplishments (or lack thereof). Self-compassion is an inside job, and it starts with validating yourself as being loved and important.
Consider adding more positive affirmations to your daily routine. Focus on spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself, rather than people who only expect certain results from you.
