Dealing with a narcissist can feel like you’re one step away from a complete disaster. You’re not quite sure what you’re going to say that will elicit the reaction you want – or not. This is why it is important to learn effective language and techniques when communicating with narcissists.
We’ll take a look at eight phrases that shut down narcissists. It is effective in everyday conversation and is based on many common situations. These are phrases that disarm narcissists and hopefully send them packing. From there, you can put boundaries in place to ensure they stay out of your life moving forward.
What not to say to a narcissist
But before we get there, here are some common phrases that are commonly used to “shut down” a narcissist:
We both have the right to our opinions.
I’m sorry you feel this way.
I don’t like how you talk to me.
I can accept how you feel.
Do any of these sound familiar? They are common phrases that many articles encourage you to use in conversation with highly conflicted individuals. But it is not effective when you want to disarm the narcissist. They seem funny and silly to a narcissist and may turn them on even more.
Some narcissists, when you say things like this, don’t know how to react because it’s not their way. They do not think in diplomatic or civil terms. So, your use of these statements makes you look a little weird and weak in the eyes of the narcissist.
The only caveat here is that if you are in a court or in a legal scenario where you are being watched, these statements can be considered both diplomatic and civil. Otherwise, they will make the narcissist laugh under their breath.
- “I’m going to need your help with the bills.”
Narcissists love their crying stories. They will say what they need to extract some money for a bad situation like losing a job. But job loss or other financial hardships aren’t just because they’ve had a hard time – it’s because their character doesn’t allow them to get a job!
This is the type of narcissist I call The Moocher.
If this particular narcissist can hang on long enough to earn a college degree, he eventually becomes useless as Moocher destroys all opportunities in his field due to a superficial career history and a tendency to quit at the slightest provocation.
They struggle to stay in their jobs because they can’t stand authority figures, and they see any kind of constructive criticism or feedback as a personal attack.
Therefore, they are not responsible enough to keep a job, take care of their home, or complete their financial responsibilities. So, whenever she talks about sharing bills or paying her share – they’ll be closed.
- “My doctor gave me some disturbing news.”
Many narcissists will freak out at this kind of news. They are not the type to want to be around you and help you through a health crisis.
However, some may stick with hope in the hope that you will be sick enough to die. They, then, may benefit from your assets through inheritance. Therefore, this news may prompt them to start planning what they are going to do.
However, based on my history of working with victims of abuse in my coaching practice (and my own experiences), it is clear that they will not be there in their time of need. So if you’re sharing bad medical news, you’ll disarm and push back.
- “My savings are about to run out.”
Like the first statement, many narcissists dismiss any talk of financial responsibility. However, some narcissists are well off and use their money to control or manipulate people.
Others live life by exploiting and stealing from people. If you use this phrase with this type of narcissist, it suggests that they will have to look elsewhere for financial support – they will need someone else to take advantage of!
- “You’re going to be a father.”
Narcissists are not only terrible parents, but they also don’t want the responsibility of taking care of a child. This kind of responsibility is not something most narcissists look for.
If you end up having a child with a narcissist, be prepared that he or she will set your child up for a life full of traumas. Furthermore, narcissistic parents often spend obscene amounts of time grooming and putting the spotlight on their children, so that when their children grow up, they can turn them against the other parent. So when you see narcissists who seem like good parents, even though they’re usually horrible human beings, it’s nothing more than politeness, lighting, and conditioning.
- “Let’s go on vacation together.”
What does vacation mean to a narcissist? commitment. And the idea of commitment repels narcissists—they just aren’t interested in it! Therefore, vacation is often not something narcissists enjoy, as it indicates a lot of commitment, mainly because it eliminates the supply of their significant other.
However, if you’re in the middle of the love-bombing of a new relationship with a narcissist, they might just put on a happy face over the holiday. They may work to make it great. But as soon as the love bomb period ends, they will drop you and become indifferent.
- “I’ll let my sick mom or dad move in.”
Narcissists love to be the center of attention. So, if you tell them your sick parent is moving into housing, that’s a sign that you’re not available to attend to their needs 24/7 — you have other priorities. This will cause the narcissist to not be able to get what they are looking for and may want to move on.
The only exception to this is if the narcissist believes your sick parent may die soon. If this is the case, they may start scheming and scheming, trying to maneuver a way to get money out of the situation.
But since this is not the most common scenario, the narcissist will not be happy with a new arrangement that takes the attention away from them.
- “I have a problem and I need your help with it.”
Narcissists are not here to help, they are here to exploit and manipulate. So, if you are asking them to help you, they will shut down in response. They may give you a corny, vulgar response, but they won’t be emotionally invested in helping you.
Helping others takes energy, and narcissists actually direct their energy toward their own schemes and betrayals—they are generally unable to shift gears and help you.
- “We need to talk.”
This is a signal for any relationship that something is going on. But it does point specifically to a narcissist that you will encounter. You may have caught them in a lie, infidelity, or an affair. Or they didn’t keep their promise to pay the bills or go get a job. Whatever you want to talk about, this is one of the most effective phrases to disarm narcissists.
This phrase means it’s time for damage control – they need to cover their tracks to preserve their sources of supply. It may be too complicated or difficult, so they may just give up on you at this point.
