Our parents are an important part of our lives. However, sooner or later, the tables turn. When your parents or parents reach a certain age, you become the caregiver, not the child. So what do you do when that relationship becomes toxic and your aging, manipulative parents control your life?
What is a toxic parent?
A manipulative or toxic elderly parent comes in many forms. Often, manipulative elderly parents will act in a toxic manner throughout your life, and you can only recognize this as an adult.
Examples of toxic parenting:
Enjoy punishments for bad behavior
Feelings of inadequacy or frustration with your parents
Being a child, even as a young adult
Telling children they are bad, worthless, or unwanted
Widespread criticism
Using guilt or intimidation to win an argument
These are just some examples of toxic parenting that may be prevalent in older adults later in life.
Key signs that you have elderly, manipulative parents:
- A power struggle
Your elderly, manipulative mom or dad used to be controlling. They have had the ultimate say in everything you do since you were born and find it very difficult to hand over control of your life to you.
Power struggles can be a traumatic experience for everyone involved. This may manifest itself as controlling behavior, attempts to dictate any details of your daily life, right up to trying to force you to make big decisions based on their opinions. Trying to exercise power over you is a major sign of an elderly parent’s manipulation.
- Unjustified advice
For most of our lives, we turn to our parents for advice or support when we need it. However, manipulative aging parents will attempt to maintain their dominance in the family dynamic by offering advice, often in a very critical manner, when it is not requested.
This is a way of proving their superior wisdom, and while the advice is often well-intentioned and intended, it can be quite the opposite when it comes from a manipulative elderly parent.
- Guilt trips
As an adult, you may feel responsible and caring for your parents when they reach a certain age and need help with basic life skills. However, not all elderly people are sick or weak, and many are quite capable of retaining their independence long into old age.
Manipulative aging parents are good at using their age as a way to make their children feel guilty and using that guilt as pressure to get their way. If your manipulative elderly mother doesn’t want you to go to a party, for example, there’s every chance she’ll choose that day to feel very lonely, complain about how little you visit her, or find a way to make her feel guilty enough. You cancel all other plans.
- Driving success
Almost every parent wants their child or children to be successful. This is usually very healthy, but in toxic parents, success will never come. If your father constantly makes you feel worthless or inappropriate, this is unlikely to stop once you reach adulthood.
Toxic aging parents will never feel like you have succeeded, regardless of your family life, personal health, career, or income. The relentless pressure to achieve more is a sign of aging parents’ manipulation.
- Verbal abuse
Sometimes, abusive behavior from an elderly parent may be the result of an illness or condition. However, a manipulative elderly parent may pretend to be weak or use their age as an excuse for inappropriate and hurtful behavior.
Using offensive language or behavior has limited repercussions, and knowing you’ll feel so guilty if you walk away can leave you feeling frustrated.
- Variable fragility
One of the most common signs of aging parents being manipulative is using their age as a guilt trip, as described above. This can extend to variable vulnerability, where a seemingly healthy parent suddenly feels unwell or insecure, once there is a situation in which they wish to gain the upper hand.
This can pay off a small amount, and your aging father is very likely to be healthy again once he gets what he wants.
How do you deal with manipulative elderly parents?
As with any toxic relationship, dealing with a manipulative aging parent is all about your setting the terms and boundaries of your relationship. Here are some tips on how to cope:
Setting limits
It is entirely up to you how you manage it, but you must set your boundaries and be clear that they will not be crossed. This may relate to discussions about your spouse or children, it may be about finances, or it may be a watershed that will not be tolerated in behavior.
Once you explain your boundaries, stick to them at all costs. Manipulative elderly parents are very good at crossing lines, so don’t allow that to happen.
Strength in numbers
Dealing with the challenges and pressures of hospice care is often the best. And if you have a manipulative elderly father or mother to add to the mix, finding solace in a friend is essential.
If you have siblings, be sure to discuss and share your experiences so you can all come up with a game plan. Otherwise, trust your spouse, partner, or friend. Understanding the emotional struggles you face will help them support you when you need it most.
