Until you live with a narcissist, you will never understand how harmful that person can be. I’ll be brave and share the inside scoop.
You’ve heard the words, lists, and pointers of what it feels like to know a narcissist, but this is just a generalization for those out there. On the inside, it looks a lot different. Living with a narcissist can drive you crazy, and it’s no understatement.
My attempt to explain the truth
The truth remains hidden deep behind smiles and announcements of achievement. The truth is painted in colors and presented as something else entirely. This is what it’s like to live with a narcissist. Basically, reality is a fantasy and fantasy is reality – yes, it can be flipped and this is how the narcissist remains so successful.
Living with a narcissist is about becoming their biggest fan, always being interested in all of their little “achievements”. I used to think that narcissistic people really do want me as a part of their life and success, and they do…but only as a group.
As for my feelings and fears, they don’t matter. Everything, and I mean, absolutely everything, is about them and nothing is their fault.
when you take it away
The moment you show the slightest bit of disinterest, the narcissist will notice and start to get angry. Over time, the annoyance at the lack of a “Number 1 fan” in the club grows.
They may seek others to offer you what you take, but they will come back to you and push their interests further until you quietly wish they would go away. If you say, “Enough!” They might even try to turn back with fake kindness.
After they try all their tricks and it doesn’t work, they explode. Tantrums will be used to demand attention because the narcissist would rather attract negative attention than none at all. When you decide to get rid of a fan club outlet, you are actually causing them physical pain because of the mind-body connection that most of us already understand.
but why?
Now, I’m going to elaborate on that more. Do you know why they should get so much attention? This is because they are, frankly, empty. The real persona they once had has either been taken away, covered up, or rejected so many times that they have created a fake persona. When they catch glimpses of this real person, it scares them so badly that it hurts. Some of them were also abused, and this is how they dealt.
With that being said, when you deny a narcissist the attention they crave, they confront themselves, which is either fake or empty. This is torturous and horrifying for narcissists, but they will never blame themselves. The fake character will not allow it. They will turn to the person who denied them attention, and they will lash out, either physically or mentally…and even verbally.
This is what it’s like to live with a narcissist, but there’s more
The narcissist usually engages in substance abuse as well, which increases the negative behavior. While drunk, the narcissist will insult and use provocative words to incite anger or start a fight. A drunken narcissist looks so pathetic to those who are aware of their tactics, they somehow continue to project a sublime image of themselves.
During this time, they can be violent. I’ve tried to avoid violence before by remaining silent during a narcissist’s yells, but unfortunately, that didn’t work either. After repeatedly trying to start a fight, the narcissist, who I knew, started throwing furniture and my belongings simply because I refused to engage in confrontation with him.
I was witnessing the breakdown of the narcissist’s greatest power, the power of manipulation.
I will now try to help you
The second part of this post will be my attempt to help you identify and deal with the narcissist in your life. Now keep in mind that this will not be an easy task because getting away from narcissistic influence is like breaking free from a sticky tar pit. Here are some pointers to help you determine if you are living with a narcissist.
taking
A true narcissist will be very charming, especially when you first meet them. They will try very hard to remain charming even while trying to get attention. They will use that charm to keep you as their “number one fan”. Now, don’t be mistaken, they always want more fans, and most of the time, they’ll keep others as “warm” fans too, because a narcissist is rarely loyal – sorry, just be honest.
competitive
The narcissist is highly competitive for obvious reasons. As long as they can strive to be the best at something, they will stay in the spotlight. Now, competitiveness isn’t bad, but motivation is what makes it one way or the other.
For a narcissist, being competitive is essential to staying on top. If they see someone liking a skill, they will learn how to do that specific skill to steal that admiration for themselves.
dominant
The narcissist is a dominant personality. This is because, to maintain control over others, they must have a strong aggressive nature.
For me, my narcissist has been controlling me for over 20 years. I felt trapped because I was young and had multiple disorders which lowered my self-esteem. Only after I hit middle age did I learn that I wasn’t the narcissistic person he trained me to be.
scary
This goes along with dominance, but it’s a little different. The narcissist will make threats to scare the person they don’t want to lose. They use aggressive words and excitement to keep others under control.
One example is that a narcissist will intimidate his wife by threatening to take the children away from her. This is a personal threat that I received after I decided to leave. It’s a fairly common tactic.
How to get away from a narcissist
Now, there are ways to get away from a narcissist, and I mean get away because in most cases, there will be no fixing, healing, or changing this personality.
They don’t care how you feel, they don’t respect you, and they don’t want to be fixed. Their primary goal is to manipulate you for the rest of your life, whether they are with you or not.
I’m sorry this is a somewhat negative point, but at this point, you need to get rid of your dream state and wake up to the truth… If you’re living with a narcissist, be strong.
Here are some tips before I go:
If you are spiritual, pray, meditate, and pay attention to your surroundings at all times.
be strong. Resist the urge to succumb to the narcissist’s charms. They won’t stop trying.
Get help! You will need others to support you during this time. If you can find a way to record or photograph any evidence of the narcissist’s deranged ways, it will help you convince your family and friends of the reality of your situation. If they destroy your house, take pictures, if they start swearing at you, try turning on your phone recorder, if they write anything offensive, keep it and show it to someone you trust. Given that a narcissist is great at hiding who they are, there will be few people who believe your accusations until they see it for themselves. It’s just the truth.
Don’t share your plans to leave with the narcissist until you know you have a support system and backup. Some narcissists become violent and you will need to always watch your back.
If you can afford it, put hidden cameras in your home to record any abuse that could happen to your pets if you had any. Narcissists are notorious for abusing animals, and you’ll want to know what happens when you’re not home, trust me.
These are just a few things you can do. I wish you luck dealing with this kind of abuse. It is much more dangerous than you think. When dealing with someone aggressive and manipulative at the same time, it can be a real recipe for disaster. I will leave you with one final warning inspired by the hurricanes that hit my country….
