Narcissistic abuse has the ability to detain its victim for long periods of time. There are phases of this violation that alternate between anger and peace, confusing and bewildering.
I was married to a narcissist for over 20 years. When someone finally sees the truth about my abusive relationship, they urge me to leave. When I didn’t leave, those friends and family members got mad at me. They didn’t understand how hard it was to leave.
Let me explain why it is so difficult to walk away from narcissistic abuse.
Stages of narcissistic abuse
There are stages of abuse that a narcissistic individual uses. After all, narcissism is really a mental illness, sometimes uncontrollable and debilitating. These stages make it very difficult to see the truth behind the narcissistic abusive behavior. This is a secret, though. You can stop this narcissistic abuse during any of these stages.
The honeymoon phase
When you first enter a relationship with a narcissist, you will have no idea who they really are. In fact, the narcissist will seem like your soul mate, the perfect partner. He will shower you with attention and gifts. He will compliment you on your beauty and personality.
If you are a young adult, you will be all head over heels for him. If you are old and unaware of this stage of narcissism, you may be easily deceived.
The honeymoon phase is so subtly designed to cater to the narcissist, that it seems legitimate. For a moment, the narcissist will be truly in love and fill a deep void inside of them. So, it’s no wonder that the honeymoon phase seems like a dream come true.
Solution:
Remember, don’t give yourself too much in the good times. Yes, it’s important to let your walls down with someone who truly cares about you, but be careful. There is nothing wrong with protecting your emotions and your sanity by limiting how much you choose to let go.
Phase fading
Over time, the narcissist’s interest will fade. You will notice that they are not as attentive as before and even stop giving compliments. Soon, the narcissist will become distant and you will find yourself clingy.
After all, you have been spoiled by the generous treatment you received before, and it is difficult to adapt to sudden changes. The closer you get, the further away they get.
Solution:
Make sure you keep those interests that you had before you met someone. Spend time with family and friends so that the fading phase doesn’t hurt you as much as possible. This treatment is wrong, but you don’t have to become a victim by falling into her trap.
Emotional stage
By this time, the escalating feelings of the push and pull changes that occur to the narcissistic abuse. The strength of the relationship faded and anger and loneliness began to take their place.
The narcissist grows distant, leaving his mate confused and hurt. During this stage, the narcissist will continue to drift further away as you try desperately to fix what is broken.
Solution:
Stop! Now, just stop trying to round them up. Let them grow as far as they like and they will notice how you are not chasing after them. This will also reveal who they are. I guarantee they will accuse you of being the one who has grown distant. This blame game will validate their serious mental illness.
The stage of anger and fighting
You can now start trying to repair the relationship by confronting the narcissist. Unfortunately, confrontation never works for this type of personality.
The fight will begin and then the silent treatment will be used to prevent you from forcing the narcissist to look at the reality of their behavior. Before long, this silent treatment will force you to be the one apologizing, leaving you right back where you started, with no answers and feeling alone again.
Solution:
This will be hard, but no matter how much the narcissist uses the silent treatment, don’t give up. You will feel lonely and hurt, but you must stay strong.
The self-blame stage
Now, we are convinced that the complete breakdown of the relationship was our fault. Our self-esteem begins to plummet and we become obsessed with trying to fix the problems.
We lose ourselves to narcissists because we try so hard to make them happy. They have already lost interest and the effort is being ignored. Now we start to think we are crazy and wonder who the person we once loved was.
Solution:
When you start blaming yourself, make a list. Make a list of all the verbs and words the narcissist uses. Then you will see that none of this breakup was ever of your making.
The ultimate game
Whether the narcissist ends the relationship or she does, it will be a gift. Sometimes a narcissist will keep you, even though they have lost interest in you, to get some satisfaction that you give. Some narcissists will dump their co-workers once their interest fades away. It differs from person to person.
If you feel like a renter and there is no hope of being released, you will have to end the relationship yourself. This will be difficult because your self-confidence has suffered so much. Sometimes the narcissist has convinced you that no one else will ever love you.
This is a lie and a desperate ploy to keep someone on their side to distract them.
Solution:
It is best to leave the relationship unless a serious effort is made to get help.
The trap
If you stay, there is little chance that the narcissist will seek help. If they don’t ask for help, they will trap you in a cycle of anger and peace. What this means is that the narcissist will grow angry about something that you are to blame for, in their eyes.
They will laugh at you, call you names, and accuse you of being the source of their unhappiness. Because that anger is so scary, you’ll give in and apologize for things that aren’t your fault.
The anger will subside and the narcissist will go through a few week’s cycle of very good behavior. He will compliment you again and spend time with you. But this does not last, and after a few weeks, the anger will return.
Some people in this situation find it worth the wrath to get their peacetime efforts. This is a hoax, a trap, and you should think to get out of the ordeal for good.
Narcissistic abuse and why it occurs
There is no specific cause for narcissistic behavior. Sometimes these traits can be partly hereditary. Other times, they come from severe childhood trauma and abuse. Unfortunately, abuse can repeat itself in the form of narcissism because the adult survivor of abuse has a void that cannot easily be filled by normal behavior.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, whether it be a family member or partner, please seek support. It can be difficult to protect your sanity and health when dealing with an individual of this kind.
