Would you be able to recognize signs of coercive control if it was present in your relationship?
I thought I would, but after years of thinking, I realized I was controlling in so many ways. The thing about coercive control is that it’s hard to say exactly what it is. It is not physical or psychological abuse.
In my situation, I knew deep down things weren’t quite right. If you asked me what was wrong, I would have a hard time telling you.
So what do we mean when we say coercive control?
The term coercive control was first created by Evan Stark to fully understand that domestic violence is not just about physical abuse.
Coercive control is when the person you have a personal relationship with repeatedly behaves in a way that makes you feel controlled, self-reliant, frightened, or isolated.
Signs of coercive control include:
Monitor your activities with family and friends
I check on you constantly
Questioning your behavior
Set time limits when you’re out with friends
Isolating you from your family and friends
Prevent you from seeing certain people
Prevent you from working in certain places
Control how you spend your money
Control the way you dress or style your hair
Tell you what to eat
Making derogatory comments about your personality
Putting you in a public place
I tell you over and over again that you are worthless
You are not allowed privacy
Damage to your property
Use children to report on you
Anger over the slightest thing
You constantly live in fear of upsetting them
You have to do things a certain way or they will get angry
Your needs are not important and never been discussed
In my relationship, I experienced all but a few of the above signs of coercive control.
I met my ex almost 20 years ago. He was charming and what drew me to him was his kindness. He had been married before and was the father of two young children. We started a relationship and soon moved in together.
The only thing that raised a slight red flag was that he mentioned a fight with his ex that still bothers him.
He told me that one morning he got up for work and asked his ex-wife to make him an English (fried) breakfast. She was busy with two children under the age of three and did not have time. He was angry and didn’t speak to her for a whole week.
To be honest, I sided with the ex-wife. I thought of making your breakfast. But the thought disappeared and we started our life together.
When the first signs of coercive control appeared
The first signs of trouble began shortly thereafter. I had always wanted to study psychology, so I applied to the Open University to start a foundation course. It included one lesson per week at a local school about a 20-minute drive from our house.
Everything was fine at first, but when I started getting excited about the course and told my partner about the male teacher, everything changed. The lesson was on Monday. Sunday night, he will be moody. On lesson day, it would be downright miserable.
The timing of my return from class began. If you are 5 minutes late, there will be an investigation. I loved the class and got on well with everyone.
After class ended, everyone went out for a drink at a local bar to continue the discussion. I told my partner of a week that I was going. He hasn’t spoken to me all this week.
I decided it wasn’t worth the trouble. At the end of the year, despite the passage of time and my desire to continue my studies, I stopped. It will take me another 15 years to finally get my degree.
I was with my partner for 10 years and never studied again when we were together. He began isolating me from my friends, saying they were a bad influence. Also, my family is no longer welcome.
More signs of coercive control that I didn’t recognize
Then my partner got a job 100 miles away. I didn’t want to move. Nobody knew where we were going, but we ended up moving anyway because his needs were greater than mine. I got a small bar job at a local pub but then again, I wasn’t allowed to “fraternize” with co-workers. He was responsible for all the money going into the house.
Little things started to happen. If I shave my legs, he’ll accuse me of having an affair. If I’m wearing makeup or perfume, the same thing happens. Talk to the postman for a long time and he will be frowning for days.
One day we went shopping and as we were leaving he turned angrily in his eyes at me and accused me of “watching the guys” the whole time we were picking up groceries.
I got to the point where I didn’t wear makeup or shave my legs. I even started looking at the sidewalk whenever we went out so he wouldn’t accuse me of looking at other men.
Then we got a dog. He was a 10-week-old golden retriever and I just fell in love with him. Even though we put it together, it soon became clear that he was my dog and my responsibility. As all little dogs do, they will dig holes in the garden, which can annoy my ex to no end.
It also had what seemed to be a “dog smell” and I remember one day when my ex was in a bad mood. He came waving some lighted joss sticks like Morrissey and complaining about the smell of dog to the high heavens. At that moment, I thought, “You are a complete prat.”
Recent signs of coercive control made me end the relationship
Two things made me understand my senses. My partner had to go to the hospital over the weekend. It so happened that I was in the middle of a migraine. On those days, my migraines lasted an average of 3-4 days. I couldn’t pick him up so I arranged for a friend instead as I was still in bed.
The minute he walked into the house he accused me of having a boyfriend that weekend, which was why I didn’t visit him or pick him up. My head felt like someone was hitting it with a sledgehammer and this idiot was standing at the foot of the bed telling me I had a boyfriend.
The second incident occurred shortly afterward. He told me he was getting rid of the dog. I stood in the kitchen and I remember thinking, I can either let him do it and I’m nothing, or I can leave with my dog. I left with my dog.
It took me a long time to realize that I am not worthless the way my ex kept telling me. In fact, not only will other people be able to “tolerate” me, but they’ll love me for who I am. Do not try to force me into a strange, flexible, and obedient robot.
