Mothers are usually some of our primary caregivers. They are our first contact with the outside world. They provide the security and warmth that gives us the confidence to grow. Interactions with our mother, a gentle touch, a reassuring smile, and some encouraging words affirm our emotions and increase our self-esteem.
But not all mothers are like this. If you grew up with a narcissistic mother, you will spend your childhood pleasuring her, dealing with her changing moods, and tending to her needs. And it doesn’t end there. Daughters of narcissistic aging mothers carry lifelong scars that begin in childhood and persist throughout their lives.
Here are 10 life scars of daughters of narcissistic aging mothers:
- You have low self-worth
Self-worth grows, primarily, through interactions with our mothers. Accepting and acknowledging our emotions makes us feel seen and heard. Being supported in our pilot projects for the outside world, we gain confidence and reassurance. We feel validated by our mutual love and understanding.
However, the narcissistic mother only cares about herself and her needs. Using you as a child is the fulfillment of those needs. Narcissistic mothers lack the empathy and love needed to nurture their children.
Attempts at intimacy are ignored, and instead met with a cold and manipulative reaction, leaving you feeling confused and unloved. This hurts your self-worth because your mother’s priority is herself, not her children’s.
- You resent having to take care of her
Having to take care of aging parents is tough at the best of times, but caring for someone who didn’t care about you growing up raises all kinds of dilemmas. You may resent this responsibility. Now it’s your turn to take care of her and spend time with her, but she didn’t do any of this during your childhood.
Perhaps your mother is denying any wrongdoing, or belittling your experience growing up. You don’t know if her memory is deteriorating or if she is choosing to forget her childhood.
Perhaps now that she is older, you realize that she will never understand the damage you have caused and you simply have to live with it, while taking care of her.
- You feel guilty all the time
Narcissists use manipulative techniques such as gaslighting and guilt to get what they want, usually attention or recognition. The problem is that our needs change as we get older and enter our twilight years. Our physical health begins to decline, along with our mental capacity.
This is normal, but narcissists weaponize their ailing health to push themselves back into the spotlight. It’s hard to know if your aging, narcissistic mother is truly “sunsetting” or if she’s deliberately manipulating you.
- You will not stop interfering in your life
Just because your mother is elderly, it does not mean that she will stop meddling in your life. Narcissistic mothers throw their children under the bus to get what they want. She certainly won’t stop now because of her age.
Narcissists thrive in the blossoming of youth. They rely on their looks and their ability to charm and manipulate their social circle. As they get older, their appearance fades and their social circle shrinks. Now they have a smaller audience and a few more people to impress.
As a result, not only will your narcissistic mother demand more of your time, but because she is bitter and resentful, she will not apologize for her mistreatment of you.
- You believe love is conditional
The daughters of older narcissistic mothers quickly learned that attention and love only come when you please your mother. You only get your mom’s attention when you put her needs first. She only noticed you when you did something right in her eyes.
You’re much older now, and you see all relationships through this crooked lens. You always wonder what people want from you, because you know they can’t love you for who you are. They must need something from you.
Likewise, you are looking for what you can get from the relationship. After all, that’s what they taught you to do. People are there to be manipulated.
- People call you cold and emotional
I once had a friend tell me that I was a cold-hearted man with a heart of ice. And he was right.
We learn empathy and love from our mothers, so it’s not surprising that I find relationships difficult because my mother was a narcissist. The most important bond we make is with our mothers. It informs all other relationships in our lives.
If your device isn’t secure, you can develop an avoidant association, which means you keep people at arm’s length. You put up barriers and hide your weak side. You have trouble opening up and as a result, focus on shallow or purely sexual relationships.
- You are clingy and needy
Another effect of an insecure attachment is anxious attachment. This is the opposite of avoidance and manifests itself in needy or clingy behavior. Growing up with inconsistent parenting leads to a fear of rejection or abandonment. This fear can make you jealous of your partner.
You feel better as a couple and sometimes settle for the wrong partner. It can manifest as dependency and low self-esteem if you need to be loved constantly. Chasing relationships and doing anything to make them work does not lead to a happy partnership.
- You are a people-pleaser
Growing up, I quickly learned to suppress my own needs and desires. Your mother was the most important person in the family; Therefore, to maintain peace, sacrifices were made. I soon learned that it was easier to appease her and go along with her desires than to rock the boat.
Now that your mom is older, she may need more care and attention from you. You find this hard to ignore, but it can bring up an ex’s trauma that you thought you had dealt with.
- You are very sensitive to mood swings
As a kid, you would have been on the alert, waiting for the next tragic accident to happen. You don’t have time to relax or calm your guard down. When I did, things would escalate. As an adult, you’re forever checking the air, waiting for the next blast.
Older adults can appear rude as their health deteriorates, and for many reasons: they may feel ill, they may not be eating properly, or sometimes it is a form of control where they feel like they have nothing. As the daughter of a narcissistic aging mother, you will pick up on stress.
- You have trust issues
It is not surprising that your mother’s constant lying and manipulations will leave you distrustful of people. You always assume that they have an agenda, or that they are hiding or exaggerating the truth.
How can’t you? This was your childhood. I’ve seen it all: dramatic scenes, screaming matches, and unreasonable demands. Nobody surprises you anymore. After all, you’ve seen a master at work.
How the daughters of narcissistic elderly mothers can heal
- Find your attachment style
Everything about my childhood made sense after I realized I had an avoidant attachment style. Only basic interactions with my mother left me feeling cold and emotional. I couldn’t understand why people were so upset when the relationship ended. Now I know that to have deep connections, you have to open up. - Don’t let your narcissistic elderly mother invalidate your feelings
It’s frustrating when your mom dismisses your feelings as irrelevant. I find it easy to get a few phrases up my sleeve, like:
this is what I feel
I am allowed to feel this way
We may disagree with you
This is not what I remember happening
I can not agree with that
- Set clear boundaries
Sons and daughters may feel obligated to care for elderly relatives, and in many cases they do. However, there is a limit to how much you can participate. There should also be a limit on how much your parents are involved in your life.
If necessary, retrieve the spare key to your home. Determine the appropriate times for visits. Be clear about how much involvement you want. Let your elderly mother know that your decisions are final.
- Accept that your mother cannot change
Acceptance is very healing. Knowing that there is nothing you can do to change your childhood or your narcissistic mother is liberating. That’s the way it is, and there’s nothing you can do to make it see things your way.
She will waste time trying to get an apology or an acknowledgment that she was a poor parent. Accepting your childhood wasn’t perfect and creating distance is liberating.
- Get outside help
No rule says you have to take responsibility for an elderly parent. If you absolutely cannot handle your narcissistic mother, get help from other family members or social services.
