Narcissism finally takes center stage you always craved.
Narcissism is a process through which an individual feels shame or low self-worth and compensates for it by exaggerating or criticizing in the face of any criticism that may trigger negative feelings. We can never seem to get enough of narcissism these days.
Whether it’s discussing the personality of Donald Trump, trying to understand the behavior of a loved one, determining how narcissism emerges among business leaders, or just having some fun debating our favorite movie or TV characters, we’re trying hard to find out what narcissism is. Who owns it and how it can affect us?
People with narcissism can suffer greatly. The grandiosity and defensiveness that many people use to defend against feelings of shame are also unsuccessful, causing narcissistic individuals often to become consumed with feelings of self-loathing. In extreme cases, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may also have co-morbid conditions such as depression, anxiety, and drug dependence.
Our fascination with narcissism is understandable because of the effect it has on the people around us. People with narcissism can be incredibly toxic in relationships. The grandiosity that comes with narcissism can be hard to bear, as you often feel that individuals make themselves look cool in contrast to and at the expense of others.
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People with narcissism may be intentionally or unintentionally manipulative while trying to reinforce a fragile sense of self. They may also experience less empathy for others because they may be preoccupied with their own needs.
In theory, the more we understand narcissism, how it manifests, and how it can be managed, the more likely we are to improve the lives of those who suffer from it and those closest to them. All too often, however, the discussion of narcissism shifts from curiosity to criticism. In extreme cases, we harshly judge and condemn people who suffer from narcissism.
They are portrayed as inhuman – evil, “malicious” and irreplaceable. It is very tempting to immerse yourself in this photography. And while this assessment is understandable, and maybe a necessary part of the evolving discussion about narcissism, it is ultimately more harmful than helpful for everyone involved. In a sense, we display an extreme lack of empathy for people we accuse of lacking empathy.
The issue of our judgment of narcissism has been bothering me ever since my recent discussion with Mark Greenway of the Napalm Death on the Hardcore Humanism Podcast in regards to humanity, and how people with different political positions relate to each other. Greenway identified a “human crisis” that was based in part on our preference for political affiliations and symbols such as flags over humans.
“This focus on symbols like flags is detrimental to human beings because it is something that is inanimate and sometimes becomes our ram…” Greenway told me.
The anger and rage many people feel toward others with different political affiliations seem familiar — eerily similar to the stigma facing people with narcissism and mental health illnesses in general.
Stigma of mental health problems is harmful for several reasons.
First, people with mental health problems already experience significant emotional pain that can have serious consequences for personal, social, work, and even physical health. The stress of being stigmatized in the form of ridicule and criticism only increases the harmful effects of mental health conditions.
Second, this stress can often lead to emotional avoidance as the mentally ill individual tries to suppress their experience—which tends to make their symptoms worse rather than better. Finally, individuals who experience stigma due to mental health problems are less likely to seek treatment. When considering the impact of mental health conditions on well-being and the possibility of assisting treatment, anything that creates a barrier to care is an important public health issue.
Thus, it is critical that the conversation about mental health issues such as narcissism shift from stigma and condemnation to support and compassion. We need a strategy that allows us to feel protected from the harmful effects of narcissism and other mental health issues so that we are free to be more understanding and help either ourselves or others cope and heal.
Here are some possible ways of moving forward that can help understand people who suffer from narcissism
First and foremost—and we take a hint from Greenway—we need to center ourselves on our sense of humanity. Our greatest asset in being kind and compassionate to ourselves is simply our commitment to doing so. We need to ground the idea that we want to treat ourselves and others as humanely as possible, even if doing so is difficult and feels threatening.
Part of what may make this process easier is realizing that many mental health issues can be understood as a continuum, rather than as a separate illness. Such is the case with narcissism. Research suggests that narcissism is best understood as an ongoing process rather than a separate, separate factor. Understanding the continuum of mental health conditions in general and narcissism, in particular, may allow us to think twice before assuming that a person we classify as a narcissist is dehumanizing when the evidence suggests that many of us may display narcissistic tendencies.
But if we want to be more compassionate towards ourselves and others who suffer from narcissism, we must begin by understanding and validating that dealing with our own or others’ narcissism is scary and threatening. We will have lapses in empathy and compassion—especially when dealing with people we feel are manipulating or otherwise hurting us. Research suggests that this type of self-compassion may be protective against the effects of low self-esteem on our mental health—the same type of low self-esteem that we might experience with narcissism.
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Of course, being compassionate does not mean being vulnerable and unprotected. The goal is not to be nice and sweet in your way of being insulted, exploited, or humiliated by dealing with people who suffer from narcissism. Boundaries need to be set. But let boundaries be based on behaviors we find acceptable or unacceptable, rather than labeling someone or ourselves a mental health condition.
So, never call someone out for lying, being arrogant, unsympathetic, or hurtful in any way. Let them know that this behavior will not be tolerated, and either create distance or end a relationship that seems manipulative, abusive, or otherwise unsatisfying. Identifying harmful behaviors may be more affirming for us and more effective in bringing about change than simply calling them “narcissists.” Setting boundaries may be what allows us to be more empathetic. And if we are less threatening, we are freer to be compassionate and gentle.
Ultimately, if we can ground ourselves in our humanity and empathy, and be kinder to ourselves and others while protecting ourselves from the harmful effects of narcissism, we may be less likely to need to reinforce the stigma of narcissism and mental illness in general. This will likely reduce the stress on everyone involved, and will also free up people with narcissism to seek help to address feelings of shame, self-worth, and harmful compensatory strategies that emerge.
Remember, whether we like it or not, mental health issues are one of the factors that unite us because most people at some point in their lives will struggle with a mental health condition. When we reduce stigma and promote empathy, we acknowledge and enhance our humanity.
