The love bombing is one of the narcissist’s biggest weapons when it comes to convincing their victim of their “real” and “real” love, and how they want to have an “honest and meaningful relationship” with them.
Getting a love bomb is a great feeling! Lavish attention and affection seemed to answer our prayers. We have found Mr. or Mrs. Wright—our soul mate; Unsuspecting that we have targeted a narcissist.
The bomber suddenly changes colors, loses interest, and our dream falls apart. Rejection hurts, especially at the height of romance. It is a shock to our hearts. We feel cheated, betrayed and abandoned. We are confused and trying to make sense of the nightmare that was once a dream. What we thought was real was, in fact, a mirage. We look for answers, doubt, blame ourselves, and often lose faith in ourselves and the opposite sex.
Sometimes partners are ghosted by a suitor’s disappearance, and are showered with text messages, emails, or calls. If they are rejected in person, they will be baffled by the coldness of the narcissist, who has recently expressed love and been promised an amazing future together. They may find out they were dumped for a new prospect, cheated on, or had a double time all along.
It’s devastating and it can be hard to let go because all of their memories are so happy and wonderful. It takes time to accept who the bomber really was. Denial shields victims from the painful reality that the relationship was not what they imagined it to be.
Love bombing and narcissist
Research shows that love bombers lack self-confidence and are often narcissistic; Although not all narcissists are love bombers, some non-narcissists are. Despite the facade of confidence and independence, narcissists feel insecure and empty. They need constant reassurance or “narcissistic supply” from those around them but, like vampires, it is never enough to fill their emptiness or satisfy their hunger.
Instead of trust, they actually fear being unwanted. Their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, they try to control what others think to be better about themselves. Thus, love bombing is a way to gain attention, boost the ego, and satisfy self-promotional needs for sex, power, and control. When they are depressed, have suffered a loss, or are disappointed in their recent conquest, they look for new narcissistic supplies.
Many narcissists use seduction, engage in play, and use relationships for self-enhancement. Dating is intense and it moves fast. The attention can be dizzying for the recipient. There is often excessive communication, reflecting the bombers’ need for confirmation, usually via text messages or social media, where they can exercise more control at a distance.
Related: How Sharing Your Concerns Makes You Vulnerable To A Narcissist
Cognition and devaluation
For a narcissist, it is not enough to be loved or appreciated. It only counts when the other person has status or highly valued qualities, such as wealth, beauty, special talents, strength, celebrity, or genius. Narcissists idealize potential partners to increase their own lack of self-esteem. The thinking is, “If I can win the admiration of this very attractive person, I must be worthy.”
When reality creeps into the relationship, they discover their partner is not enough or fear that their flawless selves will be revealed with heightened expectations of emotional intimacy. Any slight or imagined hole in their idealized image of their partner hurts. As narcissists’ view of their ideal partner deteriorates, their hidden shame causes increasing annoyance. They, in turn, project this onto their partner, who criticizes and devalues them.
This is especially true of perfectionist narcissists. When their partner’s luster wears off, they no longer provide something satisfying to boost their self-esteem. They ignore their partner and look elsewhere for a new source of narcissistic supply. When relationships with narcissists drag on, the partner feels tired, hurt, resentful, and lonely. Disrespect and lack of interest damages his self-esteem over time.
attachment styles
Narcissists have insecure attachment styles that are either avoidant, anxious, or a combination of these. People with insecure attachment styles feel an underlying insecurity arising from relationships with their primary caregivers. They question the reliability of others in meeting their emotional needs and base their self-esteem on the behavior and responses of others.
One study showed that people with an insecure attachment style were more likely to engage in love bombing.
Certified Partners
Most codependents also suffer from low self-esteem and insecure attachment styles and seek relationships to validate their worth. Their unconscious belief is, “If I am loved, then I must be loved.” Although some codependents may act in seemingly needy and insecure ways, narcissists hide their neediness and act self-assured, controlling, proud, even cocky—like a male peacock showing off his feathers.
This screen is very attractive for non-lockdown dependent people. They are impressed and attracted to the traits they would like to have. They, too, idealize narcissists, who suck on their admiration. Narcissists are skilled communicators, and skilled at getting people to like and love them. Both narcissists and codependents can adjust to each other’s likes and needs, but for the narcissist, this is a tactic of seduction; For adaptive people, it’s a way to bond and style their personality. (Conquering Shame compares narcissists’ personality patterns and codependency).
When codependents are bombarded with love, their low self-esteem also increases. They finally feel seen and appreciated, unlike in their childhood. They imagine a future without inner emptiness and loneliness with this perfect companion who will always love them. In the initial stage of mutual admiration, they ignore or do not see potential differences or problems.
Related: Slippery And Scaly: Beware Of The Reptilian Shadiness Of The Seductive-Withholding Narcissist
Solution
The good news is that we can change our attachment style. Meanwhile, it is important to take it slow when dating. The rush of intimacy doesn’t rush love, just our connection. It is an attempt to satisfy personal and psychological needs. It takes time to get to know someone. This is how trust and love grow in a healthy relationship. Mature people will not use undue seduction or charm or prematurely make promises and expressions of love. They take the time in dating to assess whether someone would be a good long-term partner, and they wouldn’t want to disappoint or hurt them.
Stay in touch with your body and your feelings. In the intensity of the new romance, he wonders if your “enthusiasm” isn’t really anxiety about rejection and an uncertain hope about a rosy future. Do you feel free to be open, honest, and set boundaries, or are you walking on eggshells? Do you comply to please your partner? In other words, can you be honest, say no, and express negative feelings?
This usually takes time and confidence. Codependent people often think, “I trust people until they give me a reason not to.” Mature individuals know that trust must be earned. Love bombers lie, but it takes time to find out.
