Narcissism is a term used to describe people who are so involved with themselves that they ignore the needs of those around them. Typical signs of a narcissist include selfishness, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and an excessive need for attention and admiration. There are also different types of narcissists, one of which is known as the vulnerable narcissist.
Ahead, psychology experts explain what this type of narcissism looks like and how to deal with vulnerable narcissists in your life and relationships.
What is a vulnerable narcissist?
The vulnerable narcissist is a type of narcissist who tends to be highly self-conscious, insecure, and hypersensitive to rejection. They oscillate between feeling inferior and superior to others and are easily offended, anxious, or even hostile when they are not put on a pedestal.
“People with vulnerable narcissism often have a desperate need for approval and validation from others and experience feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression,” explains Harold Hung, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist at New Waters Recovery in North Carolina.
Vulnerable narcissism is also known as covert or covert narcissism because narcissistic tendencies are not always obvious or overt. As Hung points out, vulnerable narcissists often deal with high levels of negative emotions, and, notes clinical psychologist and Harvard lecturer Craig Malkin, their perceived level of suffering can be the very thing they are narcissistically exaggerating.
“Clandestine narcissists feel special because they believe their pain is more important than the pain of others,” Malkin previously told mbg. “They may feel like the most misunderstood genius, the person who suffers the most, or even the ugliest person in the room.”
Signs of vulnerable narcissism.
Although only a qualified mental health professional can diagnose a mental health condition, there are some common causes and signs of a vulnerable narcissist that you can look out for:
1.
An introvert who hides insecurities
Vulnerable narcissism is closely related to introversion. These narcissists display a quiet sense of superiority and appear more reserved. However, this is often because they are secretly afraid to show their flaws and failures. Exposing them to their true feelings would destroy the illusion of superiority. Thus, they avoid social interactions to reduce the chance that their most vulnerable face will be exposed. Vulnerable narcissists may also avoid social situations or relationships that do not benefit them.
2.
Very sensitive to criticism
Vulnerable narcissists tend to be very sensitive to criticism and may be more likely to internalize it due to their fragile sense of self. Their remarks may be dismissive or sarcastic, but they are crushed by criticism. They are easily humiliated or angered by comments. They also constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, relying on others to fuel their need for self-importance.
This ad is displayed using third-party content and we have no control over its accessibility features.
3.
Defensiveness and anger
Vulnerable narcissists have been said to display “narcissistic rage” – including behaviors of anger and hostility. They may also hold grudges for long periods, leading to feelings of bitterness, resentment, and a desire for revenge. In the workplace, vulnerable narcissists can hold a grudge against people who earn the praise or recognition they think they deserve, such as a co-worker who receives a well-deserved promotion. When they think someone has mistreated them, they may be angry but say nothing at the moment, waiting for the perfect opportunity to respond. This revenge may be covert or passive aggression.
4.
passive aggressiveness
Vulnerable narcissists may be more passive-aggressive in their interactions, communicating through guilt trips, deceptive compliments, or veiled jokes. They may prefer avoidance rather than direct contact.
5.
Control behavior in relationships
“Vulnerable narcissists often look for relationships where they can be the center of attention and where they feel they can control their partner,” Hong says. “To prevent their partner from leaving them, they may be possessive and jealous and may try their best to control their partner’s behavior.”
6.
Blame and defamation
Narcissists tend to blame others. They also use shame to secure their elevated position against others. While outspoken narcissists are blunt, vulnerable narcissists may have a gentler-sounding approach to explaining why something is your fault. They may pretend to be a victim or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance.
7.
low self-esteem
Oftentimes, vulnerable narcissists have incredibly low confidence and insecurities, and their narcissistic behaviors are often used to mask or deal with feelings of anxiety, depression, or shame. They are known for going into “victim mode,” often surrounded by negativity, their criticism, harsh words, and shame.
8.
“Sympathy” for self-serving
Contrary to popular belief, narcissists can show some empathy. However, they may do so to build their self-esteem and self-importance. Vulnerable narcissists may seem willing to help others or be sympathetic, but they generally do so to gain the approval of others. A clear sign is that they may become resentful if they do not receive praise or admiration for their actions. They can also make observations about how people benefit from their generosity.
What causes vulnerable narcissism?
“There is no single cause of vulnerability to narcissism, but it is thought to develop due to early childhood trauma, a dysfunctional family environment, or faulty parenting styles. In some cases, it may be a result of sexual abuse,” Hong says.
One study found that people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are more likely to grow up with parents who are highly focused on status and achievement. Because they often felt superior to other children, this belief persisted later into adulthood. Other studies 1 found that vulnerable narcissists, in particular, had more negative childhood experiences, including emotional abuse and neglect.
The exact cause of vulnerable narcissism may not be fully understood, but childhood trauma and ingrained low self-esteem are common threads. As adults, these individuals make a habit of pretending. Vulnerable narcissists wear a mask and don’t show their true selves because they fear criticism for being flawed and unworthy of love.
The Vulnerable Narcissist vs. The Grandiose Narcissist.
Grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are two major subtypes of narcissism. While they both share the same basic narcissistic personality traits, they present those traits differently.
Grandiose narcissism is easy to identify because these narcissists tend to be boisterous, arrogant, and overtly insensitive to the needs of others. This type of overt narcissism manifests itself in outgoing behaviors that affect others.
On the other hand, identifying vulnerable narcissists is more difficult. They tend to be introverted, and their symptoms often lead them to believe they have other mental health concerns, such as bipolar disorder or severe anxiety.
How to deal with a vulnerable narcissist:
1.
Learn the signs.
Although vulnerable narcissists can be hard to pin down, they share the same traits as every other narcissist, including an exaggerated sense of self and thinking highly of themselves, according to Janica Vesely, LMFT, therapist and owner of Amavi Therapy Center in Pennsylvania. “If you feel like you’re constantly trying to get a partner to be considerate of your feelings, and they have an excessive need for validation and admiration, you may be dealing with a narcissist,” she says.
2.
Don’t take anything personally.
When dealing with a narcissist, whether he is vulnerable or arrogant, you must realize that his manipulative behavior is not about you. Their sense of entitlement, manipulation, and deceptive behaviors can get very personal when they’re on the receiving end. However, no matter how painful it is, it’s important to remember that their actions have nothing to do with you and nothing to do with their self-esteem issues.
3.
Set firm boundaries.
Vulnerable narcissists will take an inch and never fight back. Hung advises communicating to others that “you will leave if they treat you in an unhealthy or uncomfortable way.”
4.
Allow them to sit as they feel uncomfortable.
Avoid trying to calm egos or feelings, especially if it comes at the expense of your feelings. It will not help them in their struggles with accountability.
5.
Don’t fall for their charade.
If they feel like they are going to lose you, vulnerable narcissists will try to win you back. Know that they will likely fall back into the same old habits. Also, don’t beat yourself up if you go through cycles of closeness and fallout in these types of relationships.
(Here’s our complete guide on what to do if you’re dating a narcissist.)
6.
Emotionally disengagement.
The key step, Veasley says, is to not respond and emotionally detach from the narcissist. “I often suggest this method because, with a true narcissist, it feeds your attention and drama. This is often referred to as narcissistic overture. The more drama and chaos they create for you to react to or feed into, the more attention they get, which feeds into their grandiose view of themselves. “.
To use this tactic—sometimes referred to as the gray rock method—she says to minimize your responses. Keep it brief and emotionally logical. When the narcissist picks a fight, rather than trying to criticize or correct him, “simply respond with ‘OK’ or ‘Mmmm. “
7.
Get help.
“As a result of a relationship with a narcissist, people begin to question their sanity, self-worth, and relationships with family and friends,” says Veasley. “They are frequently reminded by their narcissistic partner of their flaws, failures, and shortcomings—which their narcissistic partner has often pointed out and made up.”
Talking to a psychologist or psychotherapist will help you clearly understand the situation and set appropriate boundaries.
