In a narcissistic relationship, the partners are often in a codependent position because it is the only way to achieve balance in this relationship and this is why toxic patterns and cycles persist. In the codependent dance, the codependent person will be the best dance partner for the narcissist, as they will do whatever it takes to keep the dance rhythm going.

Note: Narcissists and psychopaths can be of any gender. In most cases, narcissists are men who seek out their female counterparts. For the sake of this article, the narcissist will be referred to as “he” and the codependent person will be referred to as “she.” These stickers are not intended to be restrictive.

What is the self-reliance dance

A psychologist uses the “dance of interdependence” to describe the intimacy of two deeply broken, dysfunctional, opposing, yet balanced people: the fixer and people-pleaser (the codependent), and the controller and the manipulator (the narcissist).

The destructive behaviors that each individual formed during their childhood and into their adult life seem to complement each other perfectly. The two intertwine together in a seductive, dysfunctional dance in which the dependent individual will give up on her power, and the narcissist will thrive on that control and power until no one else interferes.

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dancers

Codependent individuals are fond of the needs and want of others. They are groomed in childhood to be servants, and later in life find themselves on a dance floor where they are drawn to people who are the perfect pairing for their submissive dance style.

They are natural-born followers, and most find narcissists very attractive because of their charm, confidence, boldness, and dominant personality.

The ideal dancing partner for a narcissist is someone who lacks self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect. The narcissist is looking for a dance partner who they can manipulate so that they can control the dance. He is looking for someone with a distorted sense of reality and codependent people fit perfectly into this role.

Individuals who have grown up knowing who they are, who are confident in their abilities, and who are strong-willed (or normal-willed) rarely stay with narcissists long-term, because they can see the narcissist’s red flags. Early selfish personality. (Ex: They don’t tolerate bullshit, like gaslighting).

People who are dependent on care and sacrifice confuse true love and loyalty.

They are devoted to their partners but feel used, which later makes them bitter. Her search for love is ultimately an unconscious drive to find someone “familiar”. (Familiar is not always good) It stems from childhood trauma and a lack of healthy love, respect, and care on the part of adults.

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She is afraid of being alone and motivated by her compulsion to control things and fix them at any cost. She is comfortable in her role as an endlessly loving, dedicated, and patient martyr. She dreams of dancing with someone who loves her unconditionally.

First Dance, Honeymoon, and Homecoming

In her eyes, at first glance, the narcissist is the embodiment of Prince Charming. He attracts and fulfills her every whim, makes her feel like the center of the universe, pours out excessive expressions of love (love bombing), and does his best to find out what she loves and what she is. He is looking for a mate so he can put on this mask for her, at first.

The honeymoon phase of the relationship lasts anywhere from a handful of weeks to about six months (but for more experienced narcissists, they can go on for years), and after that threshold is approached, the narcissist’s good graces begin to dwindle quickly.

The supplements of his newfound love and the fulfillment of his needs have been replaced by gaslighting and correction, and she accepts criticism because she believes he loves her and that he knows what’s best for her. If she argues with him, he will convince her that she is wrong, and because of her low self-esteem and confidence in him, she will slowly begin to adopt his mindset and become the image he wants her to be.

You hold on, hoping things will get better, hoping things will go back to the way they were before; She hopes that after a while her partner will finally begin to understand her true needs instead of criticizing her over and over again.

She does not know that he cannot truly empathize with people. She has been trained to endure pain and to have power as she did when she was growing up. Her entire dysfunctional life has led her to this dysfunctional relationship and she executes it beautifully.

In a sense, a narcissist is never complete without a partner who indulges his or her every need.

When she is forcibly corrected by him, she begins to become a memory of herself for the sake of him, their relationship, and her own survival. Any deviation from his plan is met with aggression and violence at times.

His partner, always looking for the love he gave her in the beginning, is forever confused. You no longer know what is wrong or what is right. She’ll believe the cunning lies that come from his lips because he’s a skilled flirt and capable of making nasty verbal concoctions that make her think she “needs to be corrected”.

The narcissist will isolate her, and begin to isolate her from the rest of the world, including her friends and family. She will become completely dependent on him for every need, clinging to him for security.

Her measure of reality is so distorted that she won’t even know what to do without it because she has completely lost herself and her ability to make decisions without his guidance. She does not want to anger him by moving in any direction other than what he has set out for her.

She will adopt the image of the kind of woman he is attracted to, she will eat like him, she will absorb his political and religious beliefs, and she will counsel him on what he should wear, how he should talk, and what job he should take. What she should and shouldn’t agree to, what friends she should have, what family members she can’t be around, what she should be like in the bedroom, and what their home should look like.

It becomes a tool he uses so he can create an environment in which he can impress people, not an environment where you feel comfortable.