When you love someone, it can sometimes be hard to see the whole truth, no matter how much they stare in your face. Red flags that you ignore as little things may indicate the fact that you are in a serious relationship. And being in a serious relationship will never serve you well.

You can’t turn around, it seems, without hearing about the violence that’s going on in so many ways in the world — shootings, wars, subway “pushers”, rapes, beatings. More often than not, this happens where you are. Perhaps not in such obvious ways, but sometimes we are so close to people we love or work with that we can’t see that their “difficult” behavior is abusive and dangerous.

Look around at your own life. Is there a partner, family member, child, or co-worker who seems difficult to deal with most of the time?

Do you know how to differentiate between “difficult” and “dangerous”? The point at which “difficult” turns into “dangerous” is often unclear, especially when you’re close to that person (eg, “not my daughter,” “not my husband”).

A dangerous person is a threat to your well-being and health in all respects.

Whether or not they pose a danger to society is something that only a psychologist or psychotherapist can determine on an individual basis. All you need to know is if they are dangerous to you.

For your emotional, mental, and physical well-being, ask yourself these questions:

Are you denying the possibility of this person experiencing violence because you don’t know what to do about it?

Have you tried talking to this close person about the surprising or inappropriate ways they interact with life and treat people, but to no avail?
If you tried to talk to them, where were you met with anger, defenses, excuses, and rationality?

Did they point the finger at you immediately, instead of accepting the invitation to look at themselves?

Do you feel like you have to be nice to this person who scares you, just to keep the peace and not fall victim to them?

Are you in an abusive relationship and need help standing up, speaking up, and doing something to keep you and your children safe?
Related: 11 signs it’s an abusive relationship

If any of these scenarios are present in your relationship, now is the time to take action.

No, it’s not time to start blaming, getting angry, criticizing, lecturing, or threatening to leave them; this is not working. Yes, the threat of them leaving seemed to straighten them out for a while, but honestly, there is no real and lasting change over time.

Many people who act in these ways are not guided by logic. (These are the hardest ones, the ones that cross the line between difficult and dangerous.) Isn’t logic leading them? This will be a game-changer, right? If they aren’t motivated by logic – and your efforts to reason with them are all you’ve got – you won’t get very far. Repeated attempts at reasoning make you frustrated and angry, wasting your time, energy, and goodwill.

These people are so resistant to your logical approach that they may act in more assertive, frustrating, and violent ways just to prove to you that you have no power over them. To handle this, you need insights and skills.

Here’s where we all need realistic expectations.

If you see patterns of behavior intended to dominate, control, isolate others, or alienate you, consider these as signs of a potential problem. And rarely are those problems the massive, overtly violent acts of a killing spree. Actions that show others how little they care are more likely to be repeated.

In many cases, these behaviors that push people away are due to the deep belief that the perpetrator feels unloved. They say, “I’ll show you. You won’t ignore me.” This is their motive for verbal or physical violence. It is a search for the importance of something that went wrong.

So if the person you live, love, or work with is difficult, defensive, or destructive, take notice now. They probably won’t get out of it, and they likely won’t change unless they are open to positive, immediate, and effective help, and maybe even then.

You have to do things differently because:

1. They believe that everyone is a potential danger to them emotionally.
   Know that their pain is within themselves. You have nothing to do with it, so don’t take it as your fault, no matter what he says.

Shouting at, belittling, or abusing others is their desperate attempt to get some respect and get rid of the pain they are feeling. It is possible that this pain occurred in childhood or emotional, physical, verbal or sexual pain. It’s not about you.

2. You avoid confronting them and their behavior.
   You need to do your inner work. If you think or feel that the bad ways someone treats you are because you deserve it, you have work to do.

No one has the right to treat you badly. So, get some relationship help – work on your relationship with yourself, your self-esteem, and your confidence. Acquire some good communication, conflict management, and negotiation skills too.

Related: 5 Roles We Play In A Narcissist’s Life

3. You are not a doormat.
   You must set and maintain boundaries. If by chance you’re a doormat, now’s the time to stand up, unburden yourself, and never put yourself in that position again. positively do this, showing them love, concern, and empathy, but clearly explaining the specific behaviors that need to stop.

Keep in mind: You want to talk about the behavior that needs to stop, not the person. You want them to know that changing this behavior will get them more of what they want and less of what they don’t want. Set clear limits and boundaries with their consequences. Then keep it no matter how hard it is.

When you don’t keep your boundaries, they don’t trust or respect your word.

4. These behaviors are accidental.
   It’s all over the place, but you need consistency. Being with these people is like riding a roller coaster. They can show love and remorse when they are threatened with potential loss, and then act just as rude and aggressive when they feel they are not getting the respect and attention they “deserve.”

You have to stay true to yourself, live by your values, beliefs, and purpose all the time, not change who you are to fit in with them, make them happy (nothing does that), or make them like you more (you just go with what they want).

5. You think providing negative feedback helps.
   You must change this belief when dealing with these people. Negative comments confirm how they feel about themselves, and make your comments real; It can scare and excite them.

Reduce and remove emotional threats. Address specific behaviors and what can replace them that will help you feel more involved and respond positively.

6. Falling into toxic patterns of interaction.
   It is very important to remain vigilant about stopping your enabling behaviors. What are those? Doing what someone else wants us to do to keep them happy, keep the peace, or join them in pretending there is no problem, which is commonly called “denial.” means making or accepting excuses for misconduct; Or accepting that it is someone else’s fault for behaving the way they do.

Enablers have weak boundaries, trust very easily, have a poor sense of their own worth, and most importantly seek validation through actions. They think the deranged person will love them better if they join them in their denial!

Related: 5 Roles We Play In A Narcissist’s Life

This is where “difficulty” turns dangerous. If you do nothing, you are part of the problem.

The potential for violence sounds harsh, but it is what it is. Say the wrong word. Look at them sideways. Inquire about their behaviour. Suggest they may have a mistake. They are late for dinner. answer them. They demanded equality. All of this can unleash the potential for violence that flows into a torrent of accusations, derogatory comments, withholding of affection, or physical or sexual abuse.