People with paranoid personality disorder suffer from a severe lack of confidence. Their unjustified suspicion and reluctance to trust others negatively affect their ability to make decisions and their relationships. Being in a relationship with a paranoid partner can lead to feelings of emotional exhaustion and increased stress and anxiety.

After writing about eggshell relationships a few weeks ago, I got an email from a woman I’ll call Sarah. I also read my book Dangerous Personalities and wondered why there are so many articles about narcissists, psychopaths, and borderline personalities, but so little about being in a relationship with a paranoid person.

I couldn’t answer the “why” question, but she was right about the lack of written material written about these types of relationships. She was in one year three years ago and described the turmoil and unhappiness she endured but wished “someone had warned me”.

The paranoid personality is not often talked about, in my experience, because it is often mistaken for other personality types or ignored entirely as just a form of “weirdness.” Even when I tell people to go back and watch 1999’s American Beauty and closely examine Frank Vets’ dealings with his wife and son, they struggle to understand that Vets, in this movie, is a paranoid character.

And that hell Mrs. Fitts was through, left her mute, frustrated, and emotionally dead, because of him. But this is a movie and life is rarely so neatly packaged. Personality disorders are, after all, on a continuum. Some are more intense or satisfying than others.

What stands out about a paranoid personality in relationships are the behaviors and how they make others feel. Over the years of research for my book, I have collected words that describe a paranoid personality based on what those who have lived with or been victimized by them have said. There is wisdom in their unfiltered words—the words of those who have experienced it in vivo.

Here are some, but not all, of the words they used to describe this type of personality from their experiences:

angry, anxious, apprehensive, aggressive, whiny, ambivalent, critical, delusional, demanding, difficult, distrustful, agitated, eccentric, bigoted, fearful, fixated, difficult, inhospitable, inhospitable, intense, irrational, know-it-all object, menacing, mentally rigid, moral, obsessive, bizarre, abusive, stubborn, sensitive, bizarre, pedantic, quarreling, questioning, rigid, intimidating, stern, obstinate, suspicious, tense, menacing, deeply wounded, sensitive, ruthless, unforgiving Happy, vengeful, cautious, alert, withdrawn.

When we hear these terms, we must keep them in mind. Do I know someone like this? Does this sound like my boyfriend or my wife? Did I feel this and feel it myself?

Words alone may not mean much, but in the aggregate, they give shape and form to help us understand something is wrong with the individual they are describing—individuals who are, as Stuart Yudofsky, MD, said, “flawed in character” (Yodofsky 2005, 312-327).

When Sarah started dating this guy, she noticed some traits in the word list above but either turned them down, thought it would go away or didn’t think it would affect her. She was wrong.

Little did you know that a panicky personality is stubborn? There is no medicine you can take for it, and those who live with a paranoid person pay the price—usually a heavy emotional price.

When we pair the victims’ words with the recognized behavioral traits of the paranoid person, we get a better picture of these individuals. Had Sarah known these traits or what it would be like to live with a paranoid personality, she would have been more careful. “Honestly, I didn’t know a single person in my circle of friends who knew anything about paranoia or a paranoid personality.”

Unfortunately, most people don’t know what to look for. But what if someone sat down with Sarah and said, look for these behaviors, and examine how being around that person makes you feel? While it may be too late for Sarah, who has already experienced this, it is not for the rest of us.

Behavioral traits of a paranoid personality

Consider the above words from victims and examine these 20 behavioral traits often associated with the paranoid personality:

1. It always seems dubious or unnecessarily suspicious.
2. High morals and judgment.
3. Usual questions about the intentions of others, including a spouse, intimate relationships, family, or co-workers.
4. He is guarded, secretive, evasive, or thinks of others around him in this way.
5. Unwavering in thoughts and ideas – stubbornly clings to beliefs with rigid thinking.
6. He holds a grudge for a long time and does not forgive humiliation even after many years.
7. A chronic, dissatisfied whiner – he is never satisfied with everything or assumes that something sinister is at play.

8. Claims that past failures in work, life, or relationships were the direct fault of others.
9. He has a need to control family members or their loved ones very strictly and may be very strict.
10. He never seems happy – he is often on edge, anxious or angry – there always seems to be a looming threat “out there”.
11. He believes strongly and constantly seeks evidence that others will ultimately disappoint or take advantage of him.

12- He often has one unbending mind on this or that issue that you must also see as an important issue.

13. He questions the loyalty and honesty of others, even loved ones, without foundation or seeing hidden meaning in comments made by others.
14. He becomes suspicious and questions family members or loved ones when they interact with neighbors, postal or delivery employees, or benign strangers.

15. He sees pending or looming threats that others don’t seem to see, understand, or understand, as he does and insists that you see things his way, too.
16. Since entering into a relationship with this person, you see fewer and fewer of your old friends or family members.
17. You find yourself having to calculate your time when you are away from home.
18. This person engages with others when you make calls, participate in conversations, send emails, or talk to others when they are not participating.
19. He criticizes you or others as “idiot,” “naive,” or “stupid,” or uses some other form of hominem attack because his knowledge and understanding are so perfect.
20. Since entering into a relationship with this individual, you are less happy, less outgoing, less sociable, and less confident; Or you find that you are more anxious, stressed, worried, or preoccupied with how he interacts with you.

Related: Domestic Violence Against Men And The Difficulty In Recognizing It

It’s normal to be suspicious now and then, but not always. You don’t need a psychology degree to know that there are problems with an individual who exhibits 10 or more of these signs. At these levels, there is a high degree of anxiety on the part of this person as well as a lack of confidence combined with rigid thinking which in turn makes it toxic.

These individuals lack tenderness and for them, there is no humor in life – everything is serious. These pervasive traits in no way make for a good, happy, healthy, and vibrant relationship. What Sarah finds is that it leads to suspicion, distrust, constant questioning, and an orderly, reclusive lifestyle, with increasing anxiety gradually and insidiously eroding her happiness. I don’t know anyone who could be happy in a relationship like this.