When you’ve loved someone for a long time, it can be hard to let go, despite knowing for a fact that your relationship has become unhealthy and toxic. But to protect yourself, your mental health, and your peace of mind, sometimes you need to let go of an unhealthy relationship. However, before doing so, it is important to understand all of the reasons why you find it difficult to leave a bad relationship.

Have you ever looked at a past relationship and wondered, “What was I thinking?” It can be surprising to look back and realize how bad the relationship was and to wonder how you put up with it your whole life. This is why hindsight is 20/20.

Perhaps you weren’t in an unhealthy relationship, but you wondered why a friend or family member would stay in a relationship that makes them visibly unhappy. Similar to a smudged windshield, it can be hard to see what’s directly in front of you until the gunk is wiped away.

Often, it is not a lack of awareness that keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships; Deep down there is a voice calling for their attention urging them to face the truth but being buried by underlying fears.

If you are having a hard time letting go of an unhealthy relationship, consider whether any of the following reasons may play a role.

11 Reasons why it’s hard to let go of an unhealthy relationship

You fear being alone and assume that being with anyone is better than being alone.
For many, fear of loneliness, and low self-worth, are powerful motivators to stay in relationships past their expiration date.

However, when you are in a relationship with someone you are not compatible with, you will often feel lonely because you are not loved and taken care of in a way that aligns with your needs.

The relationship activates the attachment wound, so letting go feels like a huge threat to you and feels impossible (even though it isn’t).

Adults who were raised by an inconsistent caregiver or whose emotional needs were not met during a crucial stage of development are likely to be attracted to a partner with similar qualities simply because it feels so familiar — as if they’ve known the person “forever.”

If you learned early on to associate love with intense conflict, volatility, or ambivalence, there may be a part of you subconsciously holding onto the hope that maybe this time around, things will be different.

As a result, letting go of this type of relationship can feel like a threat to your attachment system because it forces you to let go of this fantasy which can generate a lot of resistance and anxiety.

People with an anxious attachment style may be more likely to have difficulty letting go of an unhealthy relationship.

You have already invested a great deal of time and energy into this relationship and the fear starts all over again.
The sunk cost fallacy refers to the phenomenon where someone is reluctant to quit something they started because they’ve already spent a great deal of time and energy on it, even though it’s in their best interest to change course.

The sunk cost fallacy may play a role in your difficulty letting go of an unhealthy relationship if you’ve already spent a great deal of time and energy on it and part of you is driving to see it out of fear of starting over.

You hold on to hope about your partner’s potential rather than the actual person in front of you.
Holding on to hope that the person you’re dating will change is a recipe for disappointment but it also hampers your ability to see the red flags ahead.

When you hold on to hope that your partner will change, it’s like getting hungry and continuing to eat crumbs, hoping it will lead to a full meal – which ultimately leads to feeling hungry and unsatisfied.

When dating someone new, it can be helpful to take a “what you see is what you get” approach and you may be pleasantly surprised when you learn more about this person, but not the other way around.

You attach your value to the status of your relationship.
Perhaps because of the messages you received from your culture, family upbringing, or current stage in your life, you may feel pressured to be in a relationship and thus associate your sense of worth with your relationship status.

But your relationship status doesn’t define you, just like your job or major in school doesn’t define you. When you relate your value to your relationship status, you will not be able to make decisions that align with your values and serve your best interest; As a result, you are more likely to hold on to the fantasy of a relationship at the expense of yourself.

You don’t know who you are outside of this relationship.
If you experience a loss of your identity or support system during this relationship, you may have a hard time letting go because you may not know who you are outside of it.

Your partner is emotionally abusive.
If your partner is emotionally abusive, you may be questioning your instincts and doubting yourself. A partner who puts you down and manipulates you regularly takes no accountability and often makes you feel as though you are in the wrong.

Thus, you may blame yourself for whatever goes wrong in the relationship and be convinced that you are the problem, not the relationship.

You have been conditioned to overwork a relationship and fix it, save it, or fight for it at the expense of yourself.
If you grew up in a home with high conflict and unpredictability or were a child of two parents, you may have adopted the role of peacemaker and caretaker or you may have watched a parent take on that role. As a result, you may have learned to associate love with the need to “earn it” and “fight for it” for it to be real.

When you embrace this same role with a partner, you feel at home with them because it feels so familiar and the chemistry can feel especially strong, making it difficult to let go of an unhealthy relationship that mirrors this same dynamic.

If this is a pattern for you, you may feel bored at first if you experience a romantic relationship in which you don’t have to fill that same role.

You confuse chemistry with compatibility.
When there is strong chemistry early on, compatibility can be mistaken and red flags may be overlooked. This lays the groundwork for an early attachment to a fantasy, rather than to the person in front of you, and thus, letting go of the relationship meant having to face that that fantasy wasn’t real.

You’re hooked on the highs and lows of a relationship.
In this relational dynamic, the highs are high and the lows are low. Your partner may be hot and cold, so you don’t know when the next high will come but when it does, you feel special and excited.

This intermittent reinforcement can make it difficult to let go of the relationship due to feeling dependent on the next high.

You think “relationships are hard” and this is just a rough patch.

Yes, relationships are hard and take work, but they don’t have to be that hard. A relationship should not require you to sacrifice your values or your sense of self. Your relationship should be a stable and secure force in your life, not a cause for anxiety or separation from your true self.

11 Reasons why it’s hard to let go of an unhealthy relationship

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