Relationship problems are common and it’s easy to point the finger at blaming your partner for whatever goes wrong in the relationship. Oftentimes, we can easily spot a million mistakes made by our partners. But what if you are the problem in your relationship? When you are the problem in the relationship, relationship issues get complicated.
What’s hard is realizing that maybe you’re wrong and that you’re the toxic person in the relationship.
“Never let the problem being solved become more important than being loved.” – Barbara Johnson
Relationship problems:
It was the classic one-finger pointing at my partner, and three-pointing at me. It happened like this… Would you rather watch me do the show live? check it out.
the problem
Oh man, I was mad. For the second time in a week, she changed her plans with me. She’s out of date. Then she decided she couldn’t meet me as planned. Damn, that was her idea in the first place.
She left me one of those text voice memos. “Listen, I’m going home. I need some time alone. I hope you come later.” I wasn’t even part of her decision. She over-restrains herself and then needs time to herself. Who feels the effect? me of course.
speak my truth
Then I thought, I have to tell her my truth. This does not work for me. I don’t feel like I’m a priority for you. She needs to know where I am. I played a “flexible nice guy” and it doesn’t work for me. No more blocking. the curse! Relationships are such a pain in the ass. I start recording a voice note for her.
“Hey baby, that just didn’t work for me. For you to send me a voice note and then go home. We had plans and besides…it’s not right now for me to drive to you…and also…”
Halfway through I stop. This is pathetic and complaining. She said she needed some alone time. I don’t want to throw this at her now. Delete the voice memo. I took a breath. Damn, I woke up.
Looking at Myself: An Epiphany
“Love cannot survive where there is no trust.” – Edith Hamilton
I threw the phone on the table. Damn, I don’t know what to tell her. I pick up the phone. Send a reply – “I see. I’ll talk to you later.”
I pride myself on not escalating, and creating something out of nothing. But it is nothing. what is it then? I need some time. I can reply within an hour. Let her take her time. I need to know what’s going on inside of me.
I press. I feel my feelings. It is clear to me. IM is angry. And I know that sadness often underlies anger. I’m sad, frustrated that I didn’t get a chance to see her. I feel more, and then I think, Did I tell her to call me before she made up her mind? I take it as well. Damn, I didn’t. I told her to either come over or text me. I wasn’t clear.
In fact, I realised, I told her to take care of herself and tell me what she decided. I used to be the classic floppy nice guy. A mask I’ve worn a lot in the past. Cheerful, patron… until my angry wrath appears.
amazing! Immediately, my strength deflates, like hot air gushing out of a balloon. I feel relieved, humbled and even proud to pause and see things. Old styles die hard, but with work they die. I was mad at myself for not standing up for what I wanted. And then I was ready to dump it here, under the guise of “speaking my truth.”
Laugh. What a wonderful realization. f*#k up Holy shit, I call it. You taught me so wrong, not to wear the nice guy/Mr. Cool “it’s all good” mask. But instead, I talk about what I want – with respect. Good stuff. I smile.
