Why is it so hard to leave a narcissist? Especially leaving a narcissist you love? Leaving a narcissist is sometimes easier said than done, because of the painful attachment you may have built up over time. Let’s find out why it’s so hard to let go of a narcissist.
I see more and more people in my office telling me some version of the following story:
I used to be a really confident, mentally healthy person. I had a good job, had a lot of friends, and was happy most of the time.
Now I am a complete wreck. I can’t focus on my work and I feel like I’m going crazy. I know I’m in a really destructive relationship with a narcissist who abuses me, but somehow, I just can’t seem to be able to leave once and for all.
This person used to be incredibly loving to me, but now they treat me like dirt. I don’t understand what is happening or what I did that causes them to treat me this way. I love them so much! I have tried to leave but every time i come back the moment they start being nice to me again. I literally can’t stay away. Can you help me?
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Why is it so hard for you to leave an abusive narcissist in your life?
If the above story resonates with you, and you too find yourself begging for crumbs of affection from an abusive person with narcissistic personality disorder, I may be able to help you understand how you got here — and why you find it so hard to just walk away and not look back.
The answer is that you have become ‘Trauma Bonded’ to that person through a combination of ‘intermittent reinforcement’ and ‘Stockholm Syndrome’.
What is “traumatic narcissistic bonding”?
Humans are emotionally attached to the people around them. This ability to bond is the glue that keeps families and relationships together.
When we feel threatened or insecure, our natural reaction is to reach out to those we are associated with for protection. But what happens when the person we’re attached to is the one who abuses us? Then our tendency to bond works against us.
Under normal circumstances, we might be able to distance ourselves from our abuser and seek help elsewhere. Unfortunately, the conditions that create trauma bonding are not normal at all.
With Narcissistic Trauma Bonding, you are initially showered with intense love and approval. It’s like a fantasy come true.
Then the ratio of positive to negative events gradually changes – often so subtly that you can’t say exactly when this happened. You find yourself getting into fights with someone you love deeply and who claims that everything bad that happens is your fault.
Unless you get out immediately and never look back, you are well on your way to becoming a psychological prisoner of this person. You will find yourself “Trauma Bonded” with someone who is destroying you.
This is like your own opioid addiction crisis. You are now addicted to this person’s approval and only desire their love and no one else’s. You know you have to stop, but you don’t have the willpower to do it on your own.
The seven stages of narcissistic attachment to trauma
Phase 1: “Love Bombing”
The narcissist entices you with love and validation.
The second stage: trust and dependence
You begin to trust that they will love you forever. Now you depend on them for love and validation.
Stage Three: Criticism begins
They gradually reduce the amount of love and affirmation they give you and start criticizing you and blaming you for things. They become demanding.
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Stage 4: “Lighting the Gas”
They tell you it’s all your fault. If you just trust them and do exactly what they say, they will shower you with love again. They try to make you question your perceptions and accept their interpretation of reality.
Fifth stage: establishing control
You don’t know what to believe but you think your only chance to get the good vibes back in the first place is to try to do things her way.
Stage 6: Resignation and loss of self
Things are getting worse, not better. When you try to resist, they only increase their abuse. Now you will be content with peace and stop the fighting. You are confused and unhappy, and your self-esteem is at an all-time low.
Stage seven: addiction
Your friends and family are worried about you. You know this situation is awful, but you feel as though you can’t leave because this person is everything to you right now. All you can think about is getting their love back.
How could this happen to a sane and practical person like you?
The answer to this question lies in understanding the underlying dynamics of how humans react to a combination of dependence and abuse along with “intermittent reinforcement”.
Intermittent reinforcement
Many research studies have focused on how to get healthy lab rats to keep pressing a bar in the hope that they will still get food pellets.
The researchers’ goal was to keep the mice running for rewards long after they had stopped giving them anything. They chose lab rats because they react very similarly to humans in these kinds of situations.
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The researchers experimented with different patterns of reward and found the following:
Pattern 1 – Reward them every time they squeeze
This was the least effective reward schedule. Rats are expected to be rewarded after each bar press.
When the treats stop, they may press once or twice more just to see if any new food appears. But even the dumbest rats quickly wandered off and stopped paying attention to the bar.
Mode 2 – Reward for every 10 clicks
Here, the researchers used mice to press a plate of food 10 times before the food came out. This means that the rats could not learn that no more food would come until they had already done the squeezing work at least 10 times.
Most of them tried at least one more time and did another set of 10. Eventually, all of the mice realized that there were no more food rewards for the bar press and stopped working and wandered off to look elsewhere for food.
Mode 3 – Bonus every 10 minutes
Here the rats learned that they would only get food on a set schedule. Once they figure out that they will get a reward after 10 minutes of the press, they will eventually become very economical with their press.
They would press once or twice at the end of the 10 minutes, then stop and wait for their reward. After the rewards stopped, it only took a few minutes without a reward for 10 minutes for the rats to stop pressing the bar.
The result: The researchers learned that having any predictable pattern of rewards pressing the bar led to reduced bar pressure after the rewards stopped for good.
Mode 4 – Intermittent reinforcement
The researchers finally outsmarted the mice by eliminating any predictable pattern of reward. They changed the times between rewards and the number of bar presses that would be required to get food for work.
The result: the rats continued to press the bar, even though they were not rewarded again.
In “learning psychology” terms, the stress response was not terminated at a bar in a schedule of “intermittent reinforcement.” In human language, the mice continued to work in the hope that one day they would be rewarded again.
Related: Are You Married To A Narcissist? Here’s What You Need To Know
Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm syndrome is the term given to a situation in which adults who are abused by their captors develop positive feelings toward the people who abuse them.
As the situation progresses, the captives begin to become more childish and dependent. They become grateful for any small signs of approval and affection. Eventually, they may bond with and love their captors.
The name comes from a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in which the robbers took hostages. To the world’s surprise, by the time the captives were released, they had positive feelings for their captors, rather than hating them.
