Do you suspect that your wife is a narcissist and that it is time to break up with her? This post will help you if you are considering divorcing a female narcissist, AKA, your spouse, because dealing with narcissists is nothing short of draining and dangerous.
If you’re married to an abusive lady, just like their male counterparts, you’re totally on your way. Abusers, especially narcissists and borderlines, don’t like it when the victim exercises her right to self-preservation and you like her less when you’re married.
First off, I’m not an attorney, but I have spent many years in law enforcement dealing with restraining orders, judicial enforcement of custody exchanges, and other matters, so I’ll pass on what I know. I also experienced this early in my life and lost custody of my little girl for many years. So this is not legal advice, just a victim of another.
I will warn you about this, this may be the most difficult time of your experience with the narcissist and it is important that you do it in the right way to protect yourself, and especially the children if they are involved, in the process.
Don’t let your anger or emotions get in the way of the goal, to divorce the abuser and move on with your life with minimal impact on your rights, and/or impact on your children.
First of all, check your state law as it varies to make sure you are complying with it. Different states – Even jurisdictions have different laws and procedures, so do your research.
Second, watch what you read on the web regarding this topic, some information is good and some is not so good (just my opinion). The only place to know is with the help of law enforcement, social workers, and a good lawyer (step two).
So be careful where you get your information from. It can make the world’s difference to a decent outcome.
most importantly if you are experiencing physical abuse, or feel as though your life will be threatened (or if your children will be threatened); Contact your local law enforcement agency, as well as a domestic violence shelter. Sometimes abusive partners will resort to violence, either hurting you, the children, or themselves.
Protecting yourself and your children is the first priority in these situations, not your property, money, etc. Things can be replaced, you are life and your family cannot.
Related: How To Manage Your Dark Side – 10 Tips To Embrace Your Shadow Self
Divorcing the narcissistic female, borderline, or other abuser
The first step
One of the things you should do even before you get to the point of divorce is document the narcissist’s or other abuser’s behavior. This is the predatory stage. Writing down their actions regarding their abuse will become very helpful when you get to the second step.
If the abuser is physically abusive, especially towards you or the children, that needs to be documented as well. Police reports, emergency room visits, social workers, all of these need to be labeled and written down in as chronological order as possible.
When possible, enlist the help of social workers, and domestic violence shelter workers, for guidance as well. When speaking with social workers, domestic violence shelter workers, and the police, talk realistically about the abuser’s behavior and past threats.
One caveat you’re likely to encounter especially when reporting domestic violence is that narcissistic, borderline, and other abusers will likely try to pacify the police by acting out, or letting the police think you are the perpetrator, not the perpetrator. Victim, so make sure you have the story together.
During domestic violence situations, don’t do that, no matter how much you want to get revenge.
Stand where you are, but if you have to leave the building, do so. Another thing some victims have found helpful is using a cell phone to record their rants, threats, and actions so they can prove their side of the story. Contrary to what people think this is legal and a good tool to have when they are trying to pin everything on you.
When you talk to law enforcement, let them know if there are any guns in the house (not a good idea if you have an abusive person anywhere in the building), or other weapons.
If you can, while the operation is in progress, remove all weapons from the house and store them elsewhere, so that the assailant cannot access them. This information will also be useful especially when the divorce order is being delivered by the court.
The second step
If you haven’t already, now is the time to hire an attorney. No one can advise you on your legal options better than an attorney, who has likely dealt with this type of relationship before and can better draft your divorce petition.
If you can’t afford one, you may be able to find one to do a pro bono cause, or on some sort of payment plan, but without a plan it’s much more difficult and leaves you in legal jeopardy.
Remember to bring all evidence of abuse to an attorney, and choose a day when you know your absence will not be noticed by the abuser. Unless you know there is an immediate threat, leave children at home, at school, at a friend’s house, or with a trusted family member.
Children can be very traumatized by divorce and until you can talk to them, they won’t need to know all the details now, even if they know abuse is happening.
Related Topics: The Female Facade: Narcissists may be statistically uncommon, but they are extremely dangerous
The third step
Once the attorney has been hired and the divorce has moved forward, it’s time to deliver the notice. Again, no one knows the abuser as well as you and how they will react once they know you have decided to leave them. At this point, you should move very carefully. This cannot be overstated.
During my career, I have witnessed more than a few cases where the violence escalated once the newspaper was delivered.
The divorce order is usually delivered by the court office (server of the process), or better yet, by the local sheriff. The server of the process has the same authority, but in some cases is not a police officer, but the police can assist in this area by court – or addressing the server’s desk – asking them to be present with the process hander when the order is served.
If you know your abuser is going to act violently, make sure you are in a safe place with friends and family when this happens.
Don’t be at home with the abuser! If the divorce order was delivered to the offender at work, or elsewhere, make sure you’re not home when he or she arrives after work.
Again, this is only if you think they will act violently when they get home.
The fourth step
For the duration of the divorce proceedings, you must leave your abuser and not have contact. Only speak through legal counsel. During this process, the abuser may want to talk to you sweetly and try to get you back into the relationship again.
Don’t fall for it. Let the lawyers be the mediators. If the abuser is not child abuser – if any – your legal advisor may sort this out and advise you to leave them with the mother. Under no circumstances should you make an effort to remove the children on your own without telling her.
A good lawyer will advise you on this as well. You don’t want to appear on the bad side in this process, and remember that the abuser is skilled at turning anything you do into a “crime” and using it against you.
Related: Workplace Bullying: How To Deal With Bullies At Work
Therefore, such an action will only harm you. If she feels the children are in immediate danger, or if she can leave to an unknown location and take the children with her to stop the proceedings, ask your attorney to petition the court for temporary custody, restraining orders, etc., until the court decides the case. However, in no case take the law into your own hands.
Again, be very careful about leaving a female narcissist, borderline, or other abuser. This is especially true in marriage and when it comes to children. However, if you get good legal counsel to protect yourself and your rights, the process can go much more smoothly.
