Did they cause you more stress than happiness?
Did they make you feel like your feelings were wrong?
Did they play psychological games with you or make you feel guilty to get what they wanted?
Did they always need your praise and attention?
How well were they listening when you said “no” or “stop”?
Did you experience constant mood swings?
If you’ve noticed these same problems in different relationships and keep wondering why they’re happening to you, it could be your “attachment style.”
The way we connect with others is shaped by our early experiences. Sometimes, this leads us to choose people who aren’t right for us.
Related : Why the Narcissist Comes Back After Months
First, remember: People with narcissistic traits are complex.
Here are some key points about them.
Point one: People with narcissistic traits often feel insecure. Their outward show of confidence may mask low self-esteem. Their constant need for praise stems from a deep-seated fear of inadequacy. A historical figure like Catherine the Great was extremely ambitious. Her great achievements are associated with stories of vanity, which some believe indicates narcissistic traits.
This Is Not Your Fault
Anyone can find themselves in a relationship with a selfish person. Reflecting on your past relationships helps identify patterns, not blame yourself. It’s about understanding how your past affects your present.
You didn’t choose your attachment style as a child; it was shaped by those who nurture you. But now, you can choose how to heal and move forward.
What Is An Attachment Style?
It’s the way you connect emotionally with the people closest to you. This style is acquired at a young age. The two most common unhealthy styles are anxiety and avoidance.
- Anxiety Style and Selfish Partners
People with an anxiety style often have parents who were unstable in their affection. This makes them more susceptible to being drawn to narcissistic partners.
Why? Because the unpredictable behavior of a selfish person feels familiar. In moments of joy and sorrow, one feels at home, despite the pain that may accompany it.
Initially, the relationship is wonderful, with the partner showering the other with attention and love. But this quickly turns into criticism and psychological games. The anxious, attached person remains fearful of abandonment, wishing things would return to normal once they make enough effort.
The second point: People with narcissistic traits often possess high creative abilities. Their immense self-confidence can lead them to great achievements. Pablo Picasso was a genius artist, but he was also known for his extreme selfishness and disregard for the feelings of others—traits associated with narcissism.
- The Avoidant Personality and Selfish Partners
People with an avoidant personality type often grew up with parents who neglected their emotional needs, so they learned to rely solely on themselves and hide their feelings.
This can draw them to narcissists, as the emotional distance imposed by the selfish person seems comfortable and familiar to the avoidant.
Example: Take my friend Sam. Sam grew up in a cold home. He learned never to show his vulnerability. As he grew older, he preferred partners who appeared very self-confident and independent – often people with narcissistic traits.
Related : 7 Psychological ‘Glitches’ That Expose a Narcissist Mid-Lie
At first, he admired their strength. But later, he realized they were self-absorbed and ignored his feelings. Sam’s avoidance style forced him to distance himself from them, which unfortunately mirrored the coldness that hurt him.
Third point: People are capable of change. While treating extreme narcissism is difficult, with genuine self-awareness and therapy, some people can evolve. Thomas Edison was a brilliant inventor, but he was also known for his vanity and taking credit for the work of others—behaviors seen in narcissism.
How To Break The Pattern
If you’ve noticed a pattern, you’ve already begun to break it. Understanding your attachment pattern is key to healing.
The goal is to build a secure attachment pattern. This means learning to value yourself, setting clear boundaries for how others should treat you, and learning to communicate and trust in a healthy way.
Healing takes time. Be kind to yourself. Talking to a therapist can be very helpful.
By doing this work, you can break free from the old cycle and build healthier, happier relationships.
