When you confront a narcissist about their lies, infidelity, or behavior, they rarely admit they’re wrong. Instead, they use a set of tactics they’ve developed over the years to deflect blame.
These tactics are designed to confuse you, shift the blame onto you, and deflect responsibility. Narcissists don’t care about doing what’s right for you or their own conscience.
Here’s a summary of common tactics narcissists use when confronted…
Attack You
Narcissists often follow the “offense is the best defense” rule. So when you confront them, they may attack you. This can be surprising because it’s unexpected.
They may attack you about something related, or something unrelated to what you mentioned. It doesn’t matter. They attack hard.
Related : Common Traits Of A Narcissist
This is to put you on the defensive. While you’re busy defending yourself, you forget your original point of view. This muddies the waters.
This can be utter nonsense. When I confronted my ex about my cheating, she immediately attacked me, demanding to know why I waited until 10:00 PM to confront her!
If you confront a narcissist, focus on what you’re confronting them about. Don’t let them shift their focus to you.
Narcissist Denial
Narcissists can deny it forever. Even if you have clear evidence.
I’ve seen them deny stealing money from a wallet. Even when they’ve been caught in the act!
It’s frustrating, but they know that if they continue to deny it, there’s a tiny speck of doubt in your mind. And they take advantage of this.
Narcissist Self Manipulation
Narcissists can rewrite history to get away with it. They change the facts of what happened, even if you both know the truth. They do this to make you doubt your own grasp of reality.
Once you doubt your own grasp of reality, they realize they can get away with anything. They’ll use this as an excuse to avoid everything. “You know you have a bad memory.”
If you spend a lot of time with them, and they do this a lot, it can cause psychological damage.
Trigger You
Narcissists know their partner’s weaknesses and the things they’re sensitive to. They spend a lot of time observing what triggers you because they know they can exploit it to their advantage.
When they realize they’re wrong, they use the things you’re sensitive to to provoke you. They bring up your problems to make you angry. If you’re worried about your job, they’ll bring them up.
When you react angrily, they shift the conversation to focus on your reaction. “Why did you call me that?!” Because you’re angry, it’s easy to lose focus.
Try to stay calm, don’t respond to their provocations, and remember your original point of view.
Blame You
Narcissists are adept at turning their actions onto your fault. “You made me do this.” They may even use twisted logic. They don’t care, as long as they can blame you.
Related : How To Tell If A Narcissist Is Lying
Narcissists sometimes try to find a positive side to their negative behavior. “I cheated on you because you didn’t love me enough.” This is actually them demanding that you love them more because of their bad behavior!
Play The Victim
Narcissists sometimes bring up things from their past as an excuse for their behavior. These may be relevant, or completely unrelated. “You know I had a bad upbringing.”
If they’re women, they may resort to violence. They blame themselves in an exaggerated way. They know that most people feel sorry for them, so they mitigate their grief. But these are crocodile tears. Completely fake. Designed to get away with it.
Down playing It
Narcissists sometimes try to act like it’s no big deal. “Well, so what?” This can be confusing. It may make you wonder if you’re overreacting. And they know it.
My ex tried to act like nothing had happened the day after I confronted her about her cheating. Hoping I’d just act normal and ignore it. Yes, right!
Ask yourself: How would they react if I did the same thing to them? And would you feel good about it?
Conclusion
Narcissists often resort to these tactics until they find the right one. I’ve watched them do it. And they’ll do it even if it requires contradicting themselves. For example, they might deny it happened, then blame you.
But how can they blame you for something that didn’t happen? If you listen closely, they often get it wrong.
Stay calm and focus on what you have to say. They don’t want a rational discussion; they want to turn it into a messy, emotional argument. That way, they’re less likely to be caught out. They don’t want to hear the bare facts.
It’s frustrating and exhausting. But if you avoid getting emotionally involved, it’s less exhausting. Stay calm, stay focused, and stick to your starting point.
