Here’s a story from my youth that illustrates the attitudes of narcissists toward their families…
As a teenager, I was interested in CB radios. Besides chatting and meeting new people, it was fun to fix and upgrade the equipment.
While fixing my radio, I realized I needed a specific screwdriver. I knew my dad had it. I looked in the usual places, but couldn’t find it.
So I went to the living room and asked him where it was. He shrugged and said he didn’t know. But he suggested the kitchen drawer.
I searched the drawer, but to no avail. Finally, I returned. He barely lifted his head and suggested the closet upstairs. But again, nothing.
This went on for some time until I finished my search. Unfortunately, I couldn’t fix my CB radio. Then there was a knock at the front door.
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A neighbor came by, asking to borrow the same screwdriver. My dad took off and immediately found it. He went straight for it, without hesitation! Then he handed it to his neighbor, without asking me if I needed it first. As you can imagine, I was completely surprised!
At the time, I knew nothing about narcissism. I wondered if he had just remembered where he was when they called me, because I knew how absent-minded he was.
But I also knew how he was always trying to please strangers. Was that what motivated him to remember?
Only years later, in retrospect, do I understand the situation better. He always wanted the neighbors to like him. He would go out of his way to help them, much more than he helped us. Yet, I could never understand why.
Only now do I realize that he gained a narcissistic motivation from helping the neighbors. They would think he was a great person, which would boost his self-esteem. He would make sure they were happy to see him when they met him at the store.
I also remember my mother saying that he would go out of his way to help strangers, neighbors, and coworkers, but not his family. That was puzzling at the time. Why would someone help strangers more than their own family?
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Looking back, I now know that my help was worthless to him. Because I was a captive. I lived in his home, under his control. So he didn’t need to earn my trust. There was nothing to gain from my help. And maybe there was more to it than that.
Did he know where it was, but didn’t want me to get it? Did he enjoy watching me frantically search for it? Did he want to ruin my day? Maybe.
I’ll never know the answers to these questions. But it was clear that he valued his neighbor’s help more than I did. And maybe he secretly enjoyed knowing where it was, pretending he didn’t.
Another part of this behavior may be the result of narcissists training their families not to ask for anything from them, using various tactics such as flat-out refusal, ridicule, and making things difficult.
Narcissists try to force you to ask for help. They know that if they help you once, you might get used to it. So they avoid doing anything to help. Then, no thought enters your mind.
Narcissists do this to enjoy a one-sided relationship. Even with their children. They receive help, but they don’t give it. If you complain about the situation, they respond by saying you never ask for it. But when you do, they play you again. So you can’t win!
Years of this from a young age sends the subtle message that you don’t matter. Because you’re literally at the bottom of your parents’ priorities. When you should be at the top. And if you can’t ask your parents for anything, who can you ask?
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This is why people with narcissistic parents often have a hard time asking for help. You’re conditioned from a young age to realize that it’s not worth it. Your self-esteem is affected, and you feel like you don’t deserve help at all.
This feeling often extends to asking for help from others as well. Because if your parents won’t help you, who will?
This can affect your relationships well into adulthood. You may become the person who does everything for others without expecting anything in return.
Toxic people often sense this. They are the ones who want to exploit and abuse others. So when they see you “paying them,” they crave your attention. They know they can take advantage of you.
Sadly, this often means that people with narcissistic parents enter into narcissistic relationships and friendships. They were wired to be the narcissist’s dream. It doesn’t take long for the narcissist to sense an opportunity and pounce on their enemies.
